Bachelor Pad Photo Recap: American Horror Story

By Michael Slezak Aug. 21, 2012 1:32 pm EST

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Image Most Likely to Be Mistaken for a Promo Shot from American Horror Story: Asylum: Rachel, covering up the night-vision cameras in order to get her groove on with Michael.

Image Most Likely to Be Mistaken for a Promo Shot from American Horror Story: Asylum: Rachel, covering up the night-vision cameras in order to get her groove on with Michael.

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Best Worst Quote Ever: "I'm so glad I worked at Hooters for over 13 years!" --Blakeley

Best Worst Quote Ever: "I'm so glad I worked at Hooters for over 13 years!" –Blakeley

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Best Performance by an Inanimate Object: The shattered glass symbolizing the damaged friendship between Chris and Ed. (Give her the Emmy!)

Best Performance by an Inanimate Object: The shattered glass symbolizing the damaged friendship between Chris and Ed. (Give her the Emmy!)

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Best Imitation of an Inanimate Object by a Human: Tony, turning himself into a throw pillow, as Chris and Ed sit on either side of him fighting like 13-year-old girls.

Best Imitation of an Inanimate Object by a Human: Tony, turning himself into a throw pillow, as Chris and Ed sit on either side of him fighting like 13-year-old girls.

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Best Bachelor Pad Life Lesson That You Can Apply at Home Tony knows that when a dawg is angry, you don't look him directly in his glassy eyes.

Best Bachelor Pad Life Lesson That You Can Apply at Home Tony knows that when a dawg is angry, you don't look him directly in his glassy eyes.

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Wait, Did Tony Actually Fall Asleep in That Scene? (Not that I'm blaming him...)

Wait, Did Tony Actually Fall Asleep in That Scene? (Not that I'm blaming him...)

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Worst Substitute for an Actual Relationship (Tie): Honestly, it's hard to tell who's more disappointing to Jaclyn: Ed or that plate of watermelon.

Worst Substitute for an Actual Relationship (Tie): Honestly, it's hard to tell who's more disappointing to Jaclyn: Ed or that plate of watermelon.

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Most Overzealous Overestimation of One's Own Skill Set: Sarah declaring "Now I know how Olympic swimmers feel," after being disqualified for "touching the top of her cups" (not a euphemism) during "The Great Fall of China" challenge.

Most Overzealous Overestimation of One's Own Skill Set: Sarah declaring "Now I know how Olympic swimmers feel," after being disqualified for "touching the top of her cups" (not a euphemism) during "The Great Fall of China" challenge.

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Most Overzealous Overestimation of One's Own Sex Appeal: Chris fancies himself a real stud, and yet he wears gold polyester shorts to bed?

Most Overzealous Overestimation of One's Own Sex Appeal: Chris fancies himself a real stud, and yet he wears gold polyester shorts to bed?

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Moment of Total Shame During Which I Cheered as if I Was Watching the Olympics Blakeley austerely coaching Tony with her chanted "you got it, you got it, you got it, you got it" and spurring him to a decisive win over house villain Chris. (Come on, it's hard not to root for this crazy chick, right?)

Moment of Total Shame During Which I Cheered as if I Was Watching the Olympics Blakeley austerely coaching Tony with her chanted "you got it, you got it, you got it, you got it" and spurring him to a decisive win over house villain Chris. (Come on, it's hard not to root for this crazy chick, right?)

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The "Be Careful or Your Face Will Freeze Like That," Says Your Mother Award Chris serves a heaping plate of "durrrr" while strategizing his next move in the game.

The "Be Careful or Your Face Will Freeze Like That," Says Your Mother Award Chris serves a heaping plate of "durrrr" while strategizing his next move in the game.

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An Erica Rose by Any Other Name... Would Still Chew Her Own Hair?

An Erica Rose by Any Other Name... Would Still Chew Her Own Hair?

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Most Effective Audio-Visual Mood-Killer: Blakeley and Tony's camper date was surprisingly sweet, but romance fled the scene the minute he put on the "radio" tuned to former Bachelorette himbo Wes' "Love Don't Come E-e-zayyy," and the cameras cut to Chris and Sarah examining each other's tonsils.

Most Effective Audio-Visual Mood-Killer: Blakeley and Tony's camper date was surprisingly sweet, but romance fled the scene the minute he put on the "radio" tuned to former Bachelorette himbo Wes' "Love Don't Come E-e-zayyy," and the cameras cut to Chris and Sarah examining each other's tonsils.

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Most in Touch With the One Percent/Out of Touch With the Meaning of 'Real World': "It's weird to be out in the real world together," says Lindzi, enjoying a date with Kalon in which the good folks at ABC provided them with a Bentley, then brought them to a bridge in a poorer section of Los Angeles that was outfitted with a chandelier and closed down specifically for the occasion.

Most in Touch With the One Percent/Out of Touch With the Meaning of 'Real World': "It's weird to be out in the real world together," says Lindzi, enjoying a date with Kalon in which the good folks at ABC provided them with a Bentley, then brought them to a bridge in a poorer section of Los Angeles that was outfitted with a chandelier and closed down specifically for the occasion.

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Best Footwear Moment: Blakeley, bucking Bachelor Pad rules by not wearing at least a six-inch stiletto, displaying the bottom of her sensible flats to the camera and describing the unspeakably awful Chris as "the s--t on the bottom of my shoe."

Best Footwear Moment: Blakeley, bucking Bachelor Pad rules by not wearing at least a six-inch stiletto, displaying the bottom of her sensible flats to the camera and describing the unspeakably awful Chris as "the s–t on the bottom of my shoe."

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Worst Footwear Moment: Sarah, getting barked at by Chris to remove her heels before climbing up to the ladder and joining him in the top bunk. (He's quite the romantic!)

Worst Footwear Moment: Sarah, getting barked at by Chris to remove her heels before climbing up to the ladder and joining him in the top bunk. (He's quite the romantic!)