Riverdale's Worst Character Names
With Season 4 of Riverdale hitting Netflix today, we thought we'd celebrate by ranking the most outlandish character names across all four seasons, including Hog Eye (yes), Baby Teeth (we know), Edgar Evernever (you see what we're saying?) and of course, the legendary Poppa Poutine, God rest his soul.
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1. Poppa Poutine
Ah, and now we have arrived at the granddaddy of ridiculous Riverdale names. There's nothing we don't love about this Canadian gangster's name: the punchy alliteration, the sly foodie reference, the Quebecois flair. (Bonus: His son was known as, yes, Small Fry.) Like so many on Riverdale, Poppa Poutine ended up dead... but his name will live on forever.
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2. Baby Teeth
Was this juvenile delinquent-slash-underground boxer so named because another fighter knocked all of his baby teeth out? Did he even have an actual name? Sadly, we'll never know. R.I.P., Baby Teeth.
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8. Dr. Curdle
Because of course the town coroner is named after ruined milk. Bonus points because, after he died, his son took over the family business — and he's also named Dr. Curdle.
Chapter Seventy: The Ides of March
7. Principal Honey
That's Principal Holden Honey to you. A weird enough name on its own, but him being Riverdale High's principal makes it borderline inappropriate.
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6. War Baby
What did this imprisoned gang member do, exactly, to end up with a colorful name like "War Baby"? Actually, forget it. We don't want to know.
Chapter Sixty-Nine: Men of Honor
10. Bret Weston Wallis
This certified douche from Stonewall Prep becomes even more douchier when you realize that his name is a play on American Psycho author Bret Easton Ellis — a literary reference that we're sure Riverdale's viewers all totally got.
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4. Hog Eye
A deep cut, to be sure, but we'd be remiss if we didn't let you know that the Whyte Wyrm once had a bartender named Hog Eye. It's our job, really.
Chapter Thirty-Eight: As Above, So Below
3. Evelyn Evernever
This mischievous Farmie gets the slight edge over her dad Edgar, thanks to the "Ev" sound at the start of both names that turns it into a true tongue twister.
Chapter Fifty-Seven: Survive the Night
5. Edgar Evernever
It's a pretty great name for a seductive cult leader, we admit. The alliteration makes it almost hypnotic.
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11. Ben Button
Dilton's G&G-playing pal didn't live very long, so we never got to find out if his parents were just really big fans of the Brad Pitt movie or what.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Hills Have Eyes
12. Midge Klump
It's jarring enough to see a teen girl saddled with an old-timey name like "Midge"... but then to follow it up with "Klump"? It's just a one-two punch of awfulness.
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9. Cousin Fester Blossom
The Blossom family tree sure has a lot of rotten apples on it, doesn't it? This cousin isn't nearly as strange as his Addams Family-inspired name would have you believe, though.