Scully, It's Me: We Intercept A Secrets Declassified With David Duchovny Message From Mulder
[THE FOLLOWING ENCRYPTED TRANSMISSION WILL SELF-ERASE IN FIVE MINUTES.]
Scully? You there? See, you thought installing Frohike's decryption program on your iPhone was a waste of storage space, yet here we are.
Listen, I don't have much time. I know I promised never to just run off on some cockeyed case by myself ever again, but a well-placed contact offered me an opportunity to go deep undercover on a major op, and I couldn't say no. Before you roll your eyes and say, "Sure. Fine. Whatever," hear me out.
The government is going full hiding-in-plain-sight, and they're storing their most classified intel in the very brains of everyday Americans. How might they accomplish this, you ask? Smallpox vaccines? Behavior-influencing digital readouts? Black oil dripped into eyeballs? Nope — via a device ingenious in its ubiquity: basic cable.
I've become aware of a television show called Secrets Declassified With David Duchovny that's premiering on The History Channel tonight. "SECRETS DECLASSIFIED," Scully. It's diabolical, really: They're telling us exactly what they're doing, shouting the quiet part out loud, and the populace accepts top-secret information as mere entertainment. Forget The Consortium, Scully: The new Men in Black are cable network programming heads.
And by virtue of destiny, fate or some kind of universal curveball, Scully, I look just like this Duchovny guy. With the help of a few friends I'll decline to name here in case this message falls into the wrong hands, I've infiltrated the production and am posing as its host. You can see in the video above. The task has proven easier than I expected: If I drop the words "Californication" and "Gillian" every once in a while, no one's the wiser.
Get a load of the show's logline — it's like they raided our files! "Forget the moon or the stars — every government has even bigger designs in the race to dominate the furthest corners of the sky. Uncover a plane crash in North Carolina that almost triggered nuclear Armageddon, the story of a UFO attack on a U.S. missile base that was suppressed for decades and a daring Israeli heist to steal a cutting-edge fighter jet — right from under their enemies' noses."
I'm not the only person on camera; there are other experts lending their thoughts on the matters at hand. And you should see the set. Dimly lit corridors full of file boxes — I half expected the Cigarette-Smoking Man to creep through with a numbered test tube and a lit Morley.
You know that every day we're apart is torture. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to withstand — oh wait, here comes a production assistant with my oat-milk latte. Anyway, I'll be gone for a while, but you can stay abreast of my investigation Fridays at 10/9c on The History Channel.
I love you, and I absolutely have since Season 2.
Mulder
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