2014 In Review: Quotes Of The Year

"One sign of the impending apocalypse is surely skinny jeans."

Ichabod (Tom Mison), letting Abbie (Nicole Beharie) know exactly what he thinks of the "finery" she bought him

"I once had sex in a cemetery. I had 'Frieda Rogers, loving wife and mother' imprinted on my back for, like, two weeks."

Laurie (Busy Philipps), sharing a tale from her past

"I took down your entire company with about as much effort as it takes me to mix myself a Rob Roy. And Marie? Marie is immortal for Chrissake. Do you think we're worried about guns?"

Fiona (Jessica Lange), dismissing the witch hunters' queries about whether she wants to check them for firearms

"If I tell you, you have to promise me you'll try the fertilized duck eggs: It's a daring and unique dining experience — you'll think you've died and gone to hell."

Reddington (James Spader), stalling for a second before sharing with Lizzie (Megan Boone) that the presumed-dead suspect she's seeking is hiding out in Budapest

"If we only had moral thoughts, what would the poor churchmen find to do?"

Violet (Maggie Smith), reassuring Isobel (Penelope Wilton) that there's an upside to a tarnished halo

"My sister and I were athlete as children. Our favorite sport was 'Running Away from Angry Wolf.' I won the Gold, she won the Silver. God rest her soul."

Russian woman Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon), sharing with "Weekend Update" anchor Seth Meyers her excitement about the Olympic winter games coming to Sochi

"You are a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den and beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel."

"It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing."

Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs), weighing in on Watson's (Martin Freeman) attraction to danger

"It's my job to know about you. You're not just a badge number and a questionable haircut."

Dorian (Michael Ealy) responding to John's (Karl Urban) anger about the android always knowing where he is and what he's doing

"Not the most loyal bitch in the kennel, is she?"

Quinn (Rena Sofer), running down Brooke to their ex-lover, Bill (Don Diamont)

"Look at us, we're all grown up — like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. And Savannah and Sam... Oh, can Sam be Jennifer Garner?!"

Garcia (Kristen Vangsness), remarking on her and Morgan's thoughtful, respective Valentine's Day plans

"Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars."

Ron's (Nick Offerman) strongly-worded letter to a non-fat frozen yogurt bar

"Now unlike some members of the glee club who come and go for months at a time with no explanation, you two losers are always in that choir room — even if for an entire week the only thing you have to do is say something inconsequential like, 'Kitty's right!' or 'Blaine, are you serious?'"

Sue (Jane Lynch), providing sneakily meta commentary on Artie (Kevin McHale) and Tina's (Jenna Ushkowitz) roles on Glee

"From the Oscar-winning animated movie Frozen, please welcome the Wicked-ly talented, one and only Adele Dazeem!"

John Travolta, brutally botching his introduction of Idina Menzel's performance of the Oscar-winning ballad "Let It Go"

"He should be anywhere between 6'2" and 6'2 1/2". Brunette, but blonde as a child. Strong cheekbones with a weak chin that quivers when he cries — but he never cries. Overly arched eyebrows are a plus. His relaxed face should look like he's tasting a gross lemon. He should be cut — in both senses of the word. Slight curve to my left if possible. Devout Buddist."

Dalia (Carly Chaikin), explaining to a matchmaker the very specific qualities she's seeking in a boyfriend

"Bullet-riddled man — is the decor in here not American enough for you? We could get some Rockwells and a deep-fat frier."

Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller), taking a dubious view of a framed target-practice sheet brought home by Watson (Lucy Liu)

"What part of the cake did you get?"

"I think the epididymis. You?"

"Corpus spongiosum. First time I've ever had that in my mouth."

"Oh yeah? How is it?"

"Eh."

Dawson (Monica Raymund) and her lesbian pal Shay (Lauren German) while eating Hermann's penis-shaped "I got a vasectomy!" cake

"Just so you know, Afton — the most despicable thing J.R. ever did... was you."

Sue Ellen (Linda Gray), putting bride-to-be Pamela's mother in her place

"You really are a dick."

"I'm Moby goddamn Dick, and you just swam in my waters."

Scottie (Abagail Spencer) and Louis (Rick Hoffman), engaging in an office power struggle

"Look at these idiots. Gwyneth Paltrow: 'Oh, it's so hard to be a movie star!' Go work at Macy's, you dumb bitch!"

Joan Rivers, riffing on Paltrow's comments about how her job as an actress makes her life more challenging than those of mothers who work office jobs

"I just think about passing things, nothing specific. We live in a house by a lake... We live in a town with a sense of history but not so much history that the locals are suspicious of new people. We have two small children, who are so incredibly creative they named themselves. We don't need to discipline the kids because they're so afraid of disappointing us. Our house smells like cider. And if there's a horse out back, you're not gonna get any guff from me! Anyway, that's where I'm at."

Jess (Zooey Deschanel), letting a spooked Nick (Jake Johnson) know exactly how much she's been thinking about their future

"On the card, in the hospital, next to the woman who is clinging to life are the words: 'Hey Vivian, you deserve this. And at least with you gone, no one will steal my yogurt out of the fridge. LOL, smiley face. P.S. Good luck wherever you wind up.'"

Bernadette (Melissa Rauch), bemoaning what she wrote on a co-worker's get well card, which she thought was a retirement card

"Why didn't you tell me you have a grandfather?"

"He doesn't have wifi."

Sheila (Joan Cusack) talking to one of the Native American children (Tai Urban) she wanted to adopt after she loses custody to their great-grandfather

"...while I appreciate your concern, this may as well be a slow night in a Champagne Room for how comfortably erect I'm going to be watching your bitch ass squirm about."

Tim (Jacob Pitts), putting to rest Daryl Crowe's worry over his U.S. Marshal detail having a boring stakeout

"Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey."

"What do you think of that title?"

"It's so full of s–t, there's a colon right smack dab in the middle."

Ben Caffrey (Kevin Dunn) and Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), giving some less-than-glowing criticism to the title of Selina's new book

"You've had your fun with the girl, but it has to stop. Now."

"I will not be so demeaned by a woman!"

"Yes ... I can see that."

Catherine (Megan Follows) telling a bound Henry (Alan Van Sprang) to give up his "queen" Penelope

"War is war, but killing a man at a wedding? Horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing? As if men need more reasons to fear marriage."

Olenna Tyrell (Diana Rigg), recalling the prior season's Red Wedding massacre, coincidentally, on the eve of the killer Purple Wedding

"You deserve this! You make Kate Middleton look like a mental patient, s***ting herself in a rusty wheelchair."

An overly welcoming hotel employee (Rachel Dratch), going overboard to calm a guest (Amy Schumer) who worries she's not worthy of a super-fancy room

"You wash up on a desert island, alone. Sitting on the sand is a box. What is in that box? ... Just say the first answer that comes to your mind."

"The TARDIS."

Simmons (Elizabeth Henstridge) — a Whovian, understandably — going through "orientation" with Agent Koenig

"She's so two-dimensional, she's practically a character on Glee."

Shane (Michael J. Willett) describing mean girl classmate Lauren (Bailey Buntain)

"Next to arrive is the radiant Samantha Morgan — and who's that on her arm? Don't worry, folks, it is NOT aspiring, deranged vampire Stephen Clay. Instead it is his thankfully more stable, lookalike brother Silas — who recently beat a murder charge of his own."

The red carpet reporter at the Nurses Ball, providing commentary you'd only hear on a soap opera!

"Is that how you justify murder? 'It builds character'?! Then why don't you give me a chance to build yours."

Beckett (Stana Katic), when Bracken suggests that his murder of her mother helped make her who she is today

"Whenever feasible, one should always try to eat the rude."

Hannibal (Mads Mikkelsen), sharing his life philosophy

"Church girls do thangs, too."

Wendy Williams, counseling a fan to keep an eye on her husband's close female friend, whom he met at Sunday services

"'Oh, f*** off, June Squibb.' @Ben1283, you f*** off."

Oscar nominee June Squibb, hilariously reading and responding to a hater as part of Kimmel's ongoing Celebrities Reading 'Mean Tweets' feature

"Just so you know, sometimes when babies come this early, they're black."

Elizabeth Banks' about-to-prematurely pop Sal hedging her bets to presumed (and utterly clueless) baby-daddy Eddie

"I know. But honey, you're standing out here in a field in your hospital gown. It's not making a good case for you."

Rayna (Connie Britton), gently refuting Scarlett's (Clare Bowen) assertion that she's not crazy

"Considering that the judges have actually voted for someone who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't throw televisions out of hotel rooms and only sleeps with his wife, I'd say it was a very brave decision. And one which was unexpected, and strangely, outrageously rock & roll."

Inductee Cat Stevens (aka Yusuf Islam) noting the irony of the famously bad-to-the-bone musical genre honoring a devout Muslim

"At some point I must have given you the impression I enjoy small talk with the help, and that's not the case. Will you please accept my apology as you leave to scrub my toilet?"

Evelyn (Rebecca Wisocky), shutting down her maid Valentina's attempts to discuss the state of her marriage

"For your homework tonight, I would like you to go home and journal about what dance means to you. ... Also, shave your balls."

Maggie (Lennon Parham) preparing the cops for their charity strip show

"Chick whose husband died real young."

"The white Michelle Williams!"

Taystee and Poussey playing "Celebrity"

"I haven't had a piece of [apple] pie like that since the Garden of Eden."

Lorne Malvo (Billy Bob Thornton), perhaps letting slip a hint of his evil origins

"Do we have a boat?! Have you ever seen Dexter? Random scuba divers are finding everything!"

Alison (Tatiana Maslany) after Donnie (Kristian Bruun) suggests they dump Dr. Leekie's body in the lake

"It's like giving a woman a c-section who's not pregnant. You won't find what you're looking for, but you will leave a scar."

Jon Stewart, pointing out the ridiculousness of "reparative therapy" — and one advocate's argument that it tries to bring out the heterosexuality in gay people

"Why do you look like you're in a completely female version of The Hunger Games?"

Danny (Chris D'Elia), teasing Justin (Brent Morin) about his yoga outfit

"You told him his sister Kate came back from the dead over a text?"

"I didn't have the money to call France."

Stiles (Dylan O'Brien) chides Scott (Tyler Posey) for his inappropriate choice of medium in breaking the news of Kate's return

"But Mars is a dead planet; so is Venus. Your men and women could not possibly have come from there. You know that."

Stahma (Jaime Murray), struggling with Amanda's "Old World" saying

"I'm not too fond of crowds myself. I feel like if you pick right, you know, one's enough."

"You're surprisingly quotable."

"I read a lot of t-shirts."

Max (Alex Saxon), accepting a compliment from Taylor (Anna Jacoby-Heron) about his life philosophies

"Man, Raoul said you were the best."

"How do you know Raoul?"

"I took him in on an aggravated assault warrant last year. He's good people."

Rush's bounty hunter client sings the "highest praises" of their common criminal acquaintance

"Your lack of interest is rather liberating, actually. I could likely say anything to you, and you wouldn't blink. I was raised by vampires! I drive getaway cars in my spare time! I once had intercourse with a corpse!"

Lillian (Julianne Nicholson), aggravated with her disinterested lab tech during her cancer treatment

"I wish I could go with you, but I have to go back to the FBI office tomorrow so I can help my not-married ex-boyfriend find my not-dead ex-husband who currently works for some drug-dealing overlord."

"It's insane you don't keep alcohol here. Seriously."

April's (Rochelle Aytes) excuse for not going to the doctor's office with Karen prompts a totally reasonable observation from Joss (Jes Macallan)

"'They're the lowest they've ever been and the highest they're ever gonna be.' —Maya Angelou!"

Sarah Silverman, waxing poetic about the position of her décolletage (and goofily attributing her comment to the late, great poet), leaving E! host Giulian Rancic slightly flummoxed in the process

"SAMCRO is throwing me a little homecoming bash tonight, at our new 'adult entertainment facility'..."

"You talking about that sh—y porn warehouse on the docks?"

"When you say it like that, it kind of loses all its magic."

Jax (Charlie Hunnam) tries to put lipstick on his piggish operation

"This is nothing if not the season of the vagina." 


Tim Gunn questioning Amanda's placement of the red eye on her dress

"You try operating a supernatural doorway to another dimension using a vampire novel and a positive attitude!"

Duke (Eric Balfour), defending MIA Jennifer's supernatural skillz to Nathan

"Where'd you learn to kiss like that?"

"I said I was a virgin, not a monk."

Great Scot! Claire (Caitriona Balfe) is lovin' Jamie's (Sam Heughan) lips

"Dude, I would put parts of my body, maybe, into another gay man's body — I mean, into a gay man's body, not another gay man's body — and I'd be like, 'Hey, this is therapeutic!' If I were a doctor and you were gay and you needed a prostate exam, no problem here! That's about overall health. That's not about me trying to stimulate."

Keegan-Michael Key, upping the stakes (big time!) in a debate with Jordan Peele over who's less homophobic

"Oh, and FYI.... Another thing that I just don't do anymore is wax. So... it's 1976 down there."

Mellie (Bellamy Young), letting husband Fitz know just how hairy things have gotten since son Jerry's death

"Sorry, I didn't realize I had [my compass] until you were halfway done — and by then I was just curious to see it work."

McGee (Sean Murray), fending off a stern look from Gibbs, who had MacGyver'd a makeshift compass using a paper clip and leaf

"We're all alone now, toilet. No one can hear you scream."

Eric Cartman (Trey Parker) prepares to commit an unspeakable act in his new, private bathroom

"How'd you make tears so fast?!"



"They're always there, lying in wait because I feel. So. Deeply."



Beverly (Wendi McLendon-Covey) turns on the waterworks to get Murray (Jeff Garlin) to agree to renew their vows

"Yes, well, I don't like my kids seeing who I sleep with: How could they get out in time for their abortions?"

A clearly rattled Alicia (Julianna Margulies), who moments ago learned from her potential campaign manager that her son's girlfriend had secretly terminated a pregnancy, sarcastically explains why there's a photo of her friend and client Finn Polmar exiting her apartment before 9 a.m.

"One serving has 11 grams of sugar! So they clearly thought, 'Well, let's improve the taste by adding sugar' instead of 'Let's improve the taste by removing the clam.'"

John Oliver wages war against sugar, which is over-served even in "the original tomato cocktail with clam"

"It's not my fault everyone always wants to do what I do. It's like when I got bangs, and then Michelle Obama got bangs. And when I said, 'Kids are so fat!' and then she jumped on the whole childhood obesity bandwagon. And then, when I started wearing lots of sleeveless stuff? Who suddenly had their arms showing all the time? The First Lady of Nonstop Riding My Jock!"

Eliza (Karen Gillan) refuses to take the blame when Henry (John Cho) complains that her desire to go swimming caused everyone else on their weekend getaway to abandon the idea of horseback riding

"You and I do the same job. I get everywhere on time."

"Yeah, 'cause you're a guy. I can't just deliver a baby, throw some talc on my private parts and be somewhere three minutes later. I've gotta shower, my friend. I've gotta shave this hot body from ankles to eyebrows. Also, I've got to highlight and contour everything, just so you'll have sex with me. I'm basically CGI."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) explains her chronic lateness to boyfriend/co-worker Danny (Chris Messina)

"You forgot his name and he's still into you? What do you have — some sort of voodoo penis?"

Asher (Matt McGorry), shocked and impressed by Connor's (Jack Falahee) sexual prowess

"This could be the worst idea you've ever had — and you hired the Wicked Witch as your nanny."

Regina (Lana Parrilla) slams the Charmings' decision to let Emma get rid of that which makes her special, her powers

"How the hell do you turn my screw-ups into your suffering?"

"The same way Jesus did."

Bonnie (Allison Janney) uses religious grounds to justify complaining about daughter Christy's (Anna Faris) woes during their AA meeting

"What exactly are we debating?"

"The average number of bugs Barry swallows in a day of running."

"I look forward to seeing you accept your Nobel."

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) shares his and Caitlin's latest critical research with Dr. Wells (Tom Cavanagh)

"I'm a little surprised we don't hear clapping right now."

Josh (Steven Krueger) immediately after his first kiss with Aiden. But is he referring to Davina's applause... or ours?

"As much as I don't believe in addiction as a disease, some of these places are wonderful for just sort of putting someone somewhere, while everyone else can have a rest."

Fiona (Lisa Kudrow) offers a singular view on the effectiveness of rehab facilities

"What's that [salmon ladder] for?"

[Dreamy sigh] "Distracting me from work."

While Cisco oohs and ahhs over Oliver's gizmos, Caitlin (Danielle Panabaker) takes notice of Felicity's (Emily Bett Rickards) favorite "toy."

"Mmm, bitter! I wonder why..."

Damon (Ian Somerhalder) critiques Liv's blood after he and Elena down it like shots

"Some chick bolting on you is not an emergency. That's every Friday night for Sam."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) reacts to Cas' (Misha Collins) call for help after his "daughter" Claire (Kathryn Love Newton) runs away

"A hug from Rogelio is like a rabbit's foot: lucky, rare and soft to the touch."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) offers Xo (Andrea Navedo) a lucky embrace before an important meeting

‎"You could pull out whatever you want. I can't guarantee you'll leave with it, though."

Kensi (Daniela Ruah) advises a pervy perp against showing her his package

"There's a horror movie called Alien? That's really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you!"

The Doctor (Peter Capaldi) doesn't appreciate the title of Sigourney Weaver (and Earth's) outer-space horror classic