American Idol: Relive Harry Connick Jr.'s Best (And Funniest) Week 1 Moments!

"Enough with the practical jokes, American Idol: You're 32 years old, you're from New York City, and your name is Beth Goodwin!" exclaimed Harry, expressing his disbelief that gorgeous auditioner Caitlin Johnson was only 15.

"You know you're a megastar when they call you by both names. Isn't that right, Keith Urban?" Connick joked, as J.Lo received an embrace from a melodramatic superfan who repeatedly referred to her as "Jennifer Lopez."

Connick got excited when auditioner Savion Wright told him he'd been listening to his records since he was 10 years old. Which led to this hilarious exchange:

"You do know who I am, right?"

"Yes, sir, Harry Connick Jr."

"No. I am Chris Isaak! 'Wicked Game'?"

Behold: Connick attempting to explain the pentatonic scale to Jennifer Lopez. "You're gonna throw these things at America, and America's gonna be like, 'What the...?'" Lopez exclaimed. But Connick was having none of it: "What's wrong with challenging America?" he demanded, before forging ahead and telling her "Pentatonics are the classic go-tos for R&B singers... those are the five notes you hear everybody do the runs on." To which Lopez meekly giggled, "You know too damn much." We wouldn't have it any other way.

Connick proved fantastically self-deprecating by allowing Idol's producers to run an entire segment under the New Orleans-approved theme "Who Dat," which featured contestants and their families expressing their lack of knowledge about the debuting judge. My personal favorite: "He had a music career before he was an actor." Has the use of past-tense ever hurt so much?

"She's gonna cry...or pee — whichever comes first," said contestant Austin Percario, after the judges told him to bring his stage mother into the audition room. Flash forward a few minutes later, as the Percarios' high-pitched screams in the contestant holding room heralded his ticket to Hollywood, and Connick called back to the singer's earlier prediction: "She peed! Anybody got a mop?"

Connick ridiculously pretended to collapse in a heap of peacefulness when "Sound Healer" Adam Roth explained his method for balancing people's chakras. "I went to heaven up in here!" he joked, after getting back on his feet. "For real! I saw my family and stuff. Woo! That was intense!"

In railing against a contestant's use of the word 'jazzy,' Connick also took a swipe at former judge Randy Jackson's favorite, overused adjective: "It's one of those words like 'pitchy.' We all know what it means, but it's incorrect. It's called 'singing out of tune!'"

After his "no" vote to Stephanie Petronelli got vetoed by J.Lo and Keith, the New England Patriots cheerleader called in three of her (equally scantilly clad) teammates for a joyous leaping, hugging celebration. "That's a 'yes'!" Harry quickly reversed. "If there's four of 'em, it's a 'yes'! I didn't know that was part of the package!"

When J.Lo instantly commented on worship leader Spencer Lloyd's devastating good looks, Keith joked it was an automatic "yes" vote for Jenny from the Block. "And a 'no' from me and Keith!" chuckled Harry, before the kid had delivered a single note. "There, I said it! I don't like being upstaged by those eyes!" Taking the joke and running with it, he continued, "I hate your guts. Your name is really cool: Spencer Lloyd. You look like that. Even if you suck, you're carrying around a guitar. What's to like?"

Unlike pretty much every judge in reality-competition history, Connick made took a stand regarding the age-appropriateness of songs for youthful contestants, telling 15-year-old Morgan Deplitch, "Hearing you sing about 'shaving me smooth' really was creeping me out." When J.Lo argued that the lyrical content wasn't an issue to her, Harry conceded that perhaps he was just, "old-fashioned that way." Keep up the good fight, brother!

The season premiere's final contestant, Muhfarid Zandi, was the rare auditioner who seemed more excited about meeting the jazz star than either of his fellow panelists. "I read your Wikipedia page every day before going to sleep," Muhfarid admitted, before Harry locked him in a massive hug that had Keith requesting Muhfarid perform in Harry's arms. "If you blow us away on the first song, I'd like to pick you up and hold you like a baby on the second," offered Harry, upping the ante.

When Muhfarid slayed a jazzy Adele ballad, it was J.Lo who giggled, "I feel a cradle coming on." The resultant rendition of "No One" (pictured above) is going to go down as the stuff of Idol legend. "I'm bringing him back to my hotel," said Harry, carrying Muhfarid out the door. Honestly, who could say "no"?

"Is this America's Got Talent?" Harry wondered, when a shirtless loon entered the room and attempted a painfully unfunny standup routine. Soon after, the newbie judge drove the attention-seeker from the room, insisting he had "disrespected the process." Amen to that!