Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 20, 2015

"I'm his friend. You're just..."

"I'm just what?"

"See that couple over there? You're the puppy."

Missy (Michelle Gomez) writes off Clara (Jenna Coleman) as nothing more than a canine on a leash in terms of The Doctor's connections

"Where am I? Did I break into Mariah Carey's penthouse and fall asleep again?"

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) is surprised to wake up in a flawlessly decorated, though very girly, bedroom after going to bed at Danny's

"Okay, you know, I didn't come here to be insulted."

"It doesn't matter what your intentions were when you came here. You're in my house, so the insults will be given."

Veronica (Angela Robinson), explaining the house rules to uninvited guest Maggie (Allison McAtee)

"Thank you for, you know, following your heart and coming."

"Well, I didn't follow my heart, Celine, I followed my hard."

Jim (John Schneider), keeping it classy after a hook-up with his ex-mistress (Eva Tamargo)

"You are asking that The Master come here and release his own divine and invaluable essence... just so you can keep fornicating with your secretary."

Eichorst (Richard Sammel) knows exactly what distraught Edritch is asking of the main man

"The new host of Celebrity Apprentice was unveiled today. As you know, Donald Trump is out — and none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger is in. Apparently the key job requirements are 'Be orange and loud.'"

"Thanks for getting my drunk butt home after the beach party. Just a couple of follow-ups: Did I pee in anyone's yard? And was I wearing more than one shoe when you got me?" ​

Fact: No one parties — or blacks out — harder than Matty McKibben (Beau Mirchoff)​

"You've been with him 14 years: It sounds to me like you can just iron his shirt, put out a suit and say 'Meet me at the church at nine!'"

Pete Correale offers his advice to a woman who's wondering if she's waited too long for her long-term boyfriend/baby daddy to put a ring on it

"Why does Liam have a bigger beach house than me?"

"He found me first."

Dollar Bill (Don Diamont), explaining to second surprise son Wyatt (Darin Brooks) why he gives preferential treatment to his first

"You're sure you want me to go out with a girl who lists sex as an interest?"

"At least she didn't list it as an occupation, right?"

Nate (Josh Zuckerman) and Lydia (Krista Allen) learn to navigate the rocky waters of online dating. (Also, spoiler alert: The girl in question probably should have listed sex as an occupation. She turned out to be a porn star.)

"That right there is the richest busboy in America!"

Announcer Matt Iseman puts an exclamation point on Isaac Caldiero's win — and $1 million prize

"You are not lucky. You are the opposite of luck!"

Ari (Rhys Coiro) comes to realize that life hasn't been so great with "Guy" in his life

"Tori, by the way, has had the worst five years. She's alone with this barrel of children."

"Has the husband gone?"

"I don't know. He's in a cage somewhere, touching himself."

While discussing the issue of Tori Spelling bleaching her kids' hair, Aisha Tyler takes quite the jab at Spelling's troubled husband Dean McDermott

"Someone's done a lot of work since I was in here last...."

"And when was that...?"

"Seventh grade."

"So everything in here is a historical artifact?"

Vic (Katee Sackhoff) pokes fun at Walt's age

"After 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was arrested because his teacher thought his homemade clock was a bomb, President Obama tweeted an invitation for the boy to come to the White House. Unfortunately, Ahmed never saw the tweet because his teacher thought his iPhone was a gun."

"Well, obviously something is not working, aside from Lester's complete ignorance of world religions."

Virginia (Lizzy Caplan) is baffled by Lester's understanding of Judaism, after claiming that he must attend his grandmother's bar mitzvah

"What are they gonna steal, combs?"

Travis (Cliff Curtis), scoffing at the notion that looters might break into Daniel's barber shop

"She's not sick, she's dead."

Nick (Frank Dillane), putting ill-fated neighbor Susan's condition in terms his family can understand

"I haven't been beat up by an idiot businessman since Wednesday."

For Mitch (Billy Burke), mourning Jamie has not come without its (frequent) thumps and bruises

"I knew Raiden was a Libra instantly partly because of my psychic gift. But the other half is because of she had a tattoo of a Libra sign on her wrist."

Cree needs to check her definition of "psychic"

"Do you know how short seven minutes is?"

"Billy Joel's 'Scenes From an Italian Restaurant' is 37 seconds longer that that!"

Person of Interest's Kevin Chapman and The Mysteries of Laura's Josh Lucas drive home how ridiculous it is that many public defenders have only seven minutes to prep for their clients' defense

"She's also a lesbian, something we both know you're not."

"Tell that to my wardrobe."

Though Karma (Katie Stevens) raises a valid point, there's no denying that Amy (Rita Volk) really does dress like a lesbian

"Listen dear, you need to moisturize!"

Wendy is taken aback by the sight of animal expert David Mizejewski's "Alligator Snapping Turtle"

"Let me handle this. I kind of have a rapport with metahumans."

"You throw them in your pipeline prison."

"Not helping!"

Oliver (Stephen Amell) throws some shade at Barry (Grant Gustin) while they try to deal with superpowered Mari

"I think that went pretty well."

"How do you figure?"

"Usually when I meet a meta for the first time, I get beat up a little."

Barry (Grant Gustin) explains to Oliver (Stephen Amell) why his bruise-free encounter with Mari was a success