Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 3, 2017

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Nintendo recently announced that its character Mario is no longer a plumber. Apparently, he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms."

THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH JAMES CORDEN

"Donald Trump has decided to end DACA: a program that protects young, undocumented immigrants from being deported. Now this means a lot of immigrants may get sent back to their native countries. When she heard this, Melania said, 'I volunteer as tribute!'"

PREACHER

"I feel like my eyes are gonna barf."

Tracy (Gianna LePera), after convincing Eugene to show her his privates

INSECURE

"This is carrot cake? So you hate us?"

Kelli (Natasha Rothwell) speaks the truth about the horrors of carrot cake

I'M SORRY

"It's like a reverse walk of shame!"

"Please don't engage the room."

Andrea (Andrea Savage) cracks a joke about men's fertility clinic appointments — and husband Mike (Tom Everett Scott) isn't amused

DIFFICULT PEOPLE

"What's going on, Mom? I have an audition for Nashville to play the ghost of Connie Britton from behind, and I have a lot of deep conditioning to do."

Marilyn better keep this short, because Julie (Julie Klausner) has the audition of a lifetime!

DIFFICULT PEOPLE (Bonus Quote!)

"[PBS] should do what every other network does and never take a chance on anything new. I just read that ABC is doing a Game of Thrones ripoff called Dragons and Rape."

Julie (Julie Klausner) scoffs at ABC, but perhaps a Game of Thrones ripoff could be the network's answer to Tuesdays at 10?

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"Bannon is making his first post-White House TV appearance right here on CBS — and surprisingly, it is not as a corpse on NCIS."

RAVEN'S HOME

"I spent all day Tuesday sewing a dress for a dog named Wednesday, which is why I thought it was Thursday. I can't wait for Saturday."

Needless to say, Raven (Raven-Symoné) is ready for the weekend

BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS

"Darla was a 400-year-old bloodsucking vampire from Hell, and I like to think of her as being misunderstood, not necessarily a villain. She just happened to kill people. But, you know, you've gotta eat."

"TV Troublemakers" team member Julie Benz shares her philosophy on Buffy/Angel's Darla

BLOOD DRIVE

"Oooh, Slinky likes the new Primo Arthur! You know, I read a bit of fan fiction. Starred you and I. Very steamy."

What is their slash 'ship called, "Slarthur"?

BLOOD DRIVE (Bonus Quote!)

"I... wish I had my hat."

Slink (Colin Cunningham) is loathe to perish without some style

THE LAST SHIP

"Captain Slattery is on evade-and-escape, operating in the blind. No comms, no weapons, possibly injured and carrying what seems to be the most important thing in the world. Since we know where he's heading, we have an advantage. Small groups means more flexibility, the ability to move faster and possibly — hopefully — find him.  But that's just my opinion. I'm new here."

Chandler (Eric Dane) introduces himself — and his strategic acumen — to new team member Fletcher

ZOO

"You put hybrid goo in my pregnant daughter? Was that not worth a little chat?"

Mitch (Billy Burke) isn't happy with how Abe sped up Clementine's already unusual pregnancy

HALT AND CATCH FIRE (Bonus Quote!)

"We don't got the leadership, we don't got that algorithm and we don't got the talent. In a word, darlin', we don't got you."

Bosworth (Toby Huss) tells Cameron that Rover can't succeed without her

HALT AND CATCH FIRE

"Hey, is Scientology a religion or a cult?"

"Cult."

"They obtained nonprofit status in October. [Long pause] Never mind, I'll figure out where it goes."

Even in 1994, people were confused about how to categorize Scientology — just ask Haley (Susanna Skaggs) and Gordon (Scoot McNairy)