Quotes Of The Week For Dec. 20, 2015

"Then it's settled. Amy's birthday present will be my genitals."

Say what you will about Sheldon's (Jim Parsons) personality, but he knows exactly what to get his girlfriend for her special day

"In the last hour alone, The Daily Planet has published my real age, the fact that I have three personal shoppers on call at Barneys and that I asked out Idris Elba on a date and he said no. His loss."

Cat Grant (Calista Flockhart) does not appreciate the massive hack of her most personal emails

"I don't understand. I'm not a racist. It's well documented that my dream three-way is S. Epatha Merkerson and CCH Pounder."

Peter (Seth MacFarlane) attempts to defend himself — complete with visuals — after accidentally shooting Cleveland Jr.

"Adele will perform at Madison Square Garden six times in 2016 as part of her new world tour — as if the people in that building don't cry enough already."

"Your husband said that he would protect his family no matter what, and I acted like I didn't understand, but I do. It's the rock we all push, men. We call it our burden, but it's really our privilege."

Lou (Patrick Wilson) to a small degree sees where Peggy and Ed were coming from

"I know 5- and 6-year-old kids who are, like, on their third kidney just 'cause they're cute. And it's not fair!"

Dawn (Alex Borstein) makes a terrible case for why she should be allowed to terminate her dialysis and score a live kidney donation

"Have you spent any time in Northern California?"

"Enough. Too much fleece, too many ironic beards."

Given his response to her question, why isn't Alicia (Julianna Margulies) grabbing Jason (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) by the lapels and demanding he stay in Chicago?

"You have a freakin' sword?"

"You should be honored to die by its blade!"

"Bitch, please."

Donovan (Matt Bomer) takes a cheap shot at Valentino's (Finn Wittrock) weapon of choice before blowing his rival away

"...and because I was the first woman you felt in years, our sex life in the beginning was a little exciting — and for you, maybe it was a little too exciting."

Copy Audrey (Emily Rose) reveals how (too?) much she knows about Nathan (Lucas Bryant)

"Now she has a boyfriend? You promised me she'd be kissing a bum in a dumpster. But she's having afternoon sex with Marcus Manigold Dupree!"

"Give her time — she's goin' down."

"Oh please, the only person going down is Marcus Manigold Dupree!"

Christy (Anna Faris) and Bonnie (Allison Janney) have very different views of how life is going since Regina decided she's not an alcoholic

"I'm sorry we're early, but it's starting to snow in Tahoe — and you know there's nothing like fresh powder."

"Oh, you don't have to tell us that."

Candace (Sara Rue) shares her enthusiasm for skiing, but triggers a moment of nostalgia for recovering addict Bonnie (Allison Janney)

"Where's your father? I promised I'd introduce him to Ben Carson. God knows why!"

Even the Quantico writers can throw in their two cents about the 2016 presidential election, by way of Caleb's mom Claire (Marcia Cross)

"Would you be so kind to order me a pauper's pizza? Just cheese."

On-a-budget Rogelio (Jaime Camil) can't even afford toppings anymore

"A deficiency, an inbalance in your hormone levels — is it what's causing this late, onset humanity that you've been exhibiting since your return to New York?"

Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller) questions his father's (John Noble) unusually kind behavior

"You can't believe they go to the Middle East, but you believe in f—ing Chewbacca?! You f—turd! They can't go to the Middle East? You'll believe anything that happens on some planet George Lucas made up, but you can't believe that Kim Cattrall would film for a few weeks in Morocco!?"

Billy passionately defends Sex and the City 2 against its male critics during an interview with Sarah Jessica Parker

"Can you believe Melissa McCarthy still has to do Mike & Molly? Isn't that amazing?"

"Do your thing, girl!"

"I don't think so, no. You don't do your thing if it's on CBS, Mondays at 9:30. You're a movie star."

My, what a relevant observation you make, Mr. Eichner...

"What do you think about Nick?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you, like, in love with him?"

"No. [Laughs nervously] That would, no. That would just be too, I mean, that would be really too ... I just, I... I don't even know what that would be."

Adalind (Claire Coffee) doth protest too much when Trubel (Jaqueline Toboni) asks about her feelings for her baby's father

"Superheroes wear costumes!"

"The only place anybody is wearing that is trick-or-treating or as part of some kinky role-playing scenario."

"Fine. Be the Naked Superhero. That can be your alias."

"It's better than the name you came up with..."

"Jewel is a great superhero name!"

"Jewel is a stripper's name. A really slutty stripper. And if I wear that thing, you're going to have to call me Camel Toe."

Trish (Rachel Taylor) and Jessica (Krysten Ritter) have different designs on what a superhero looks like