Quotes Of The Week For August 23, 2015

"Now I don't want to pick on the Olsens, but if these two aren't guilty of something, why do they always look like raccoons after you turn on the porch light?"

Maher calls out Mary-Kate and Ashley for selling $55,000 handbags while making interns work for free

"You really should try one of those standing desks. It's better on the back for a woman of your age."

"This is a standing desk — for a man of your height."

Jessica (Gina Torres) ain't too tall to stoop low for a short joke aimed at Daniel

"A new study shows that the likelihood of divorce is lowest when people get married between the ages of 28 and 32, while it's highest when people get married on ABC."

"CNN's newest poll shows that Donald Trump is leading Hillary Clinton in Florida. It's scary, because if that could happen in Florida, it could also happen in the United States."

"I'm interviewing with the condo board, not auditioning for The Bachelor."

Jane (Angie Harmon) thinks Maura has veered too far from the previous "demure" outfit suggestion

"You know what the holiest day of the year is for me? The Golden Globes. I don't care about the blessings. I care about the SAG Awards. And no one cares about those. Show business, Gary. That's what I care about."

"That's the most Jewish thing I've ever heard."

Billy (Billy Eichner) renounces his family's Yom Kippur traditions... until niece Tal (Dahlia White) makes an observation about his love for showbiz

"Mmmmm... That's like the white version of Love and Hip-Hop — I'm not here for it."

Tamar is not in any way amused by the explosive outburst by a bartender reprimanded for getting too touchy-feely at a trial run of her sister Trina's Bar Chix franchise

"He wanted the world to know his face."

"And now he doesn't have one."

Is it too soon for Bedelia (Gillian Anderson) to be joking to Will (Hugh Dancy) about their colleague Chilton having his lips torn off and being set on fire by the Tooth Fairy?

"You could've provided anything Dr. Chilton could — and that would've been your lip I was tasting... again."

Hannibal (Mads Mikkelsen) wonders why Alana (Caroline Dhavernas) let ill-fated colleague Chilton — whose lip he just swallowed whole — get dangled as bait, while referencing their former romance

"I was in the midst of solving a crime right here, do you understand?"

"What crime?"

"Somebody wrote the word 'turd' on every single vending machine in town."

"Just like The Wire, huh. Where's McNulty when you need him?"

Mark (Keegan-Michael Key) and Emma (Jessica St. Clair) debate the importance of Mark's latest case

"I hate that bitch! She's stolen my entire life!"

Taraji P. Henson resents Empire alter ego Cookie for taking over her identity

"Somebody's got to teach him that the object of making out with a woman is not to swallow her head."

Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn, summing up the problem with Bachelor in Paradise's Joe... well, one of 'em, anyway

"Just having Amy Schumer call me a turd helped my Instagram bio, so it was awesome."

The Bachelorette's JJ, looking on the bright side of being dissed on national TV

"Just remember, I'm here for you."

"Are you going to chain me to a tree again?"

This is Scott (Tyler Posey) and Liam's (Dylan Sprayberry) version of a heart-to-heart, as only possible on Teen Wolf

"Are you still a Russian sympathizer?"

"I do like their dressing."

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"On salads, and the occasional Reuben."

Buddy (Michael Rosenbaum) is grilled about "his" past by Russell's G-man dad

"My best move is the dead fish strategy again — just lay out on the table and don't do anything until Thursday."

Johnny Mac, laying out his more-is-less approach to avoiding eviction

"If you can figure out how to say 'Please don't eat me' in Omec, Let me know."

Berlin (Anna Hopkins) has no interest in the purple people-eaters having her for dinner

"You're gonna be OK..."

"I think I'm pretty f—king far from OK."

We're going to side with Elliot (Rami Malek) on this one!

"The Scarbacks asked me to bring you these. What are they, really — explosives to break you out? Cyanide caplets?"

"Prayer beads."

"Oh. Damn."

Dutch (Hannah John-Kamen) is disheartened to learn that Alvis isn't plotting a crafty escape. (Or is he?)

"Half of us are in the booze business, and the other half are... drink [sic] all the time."

Carole, explaining why she and her fellow housewives are qualified to weigh in on Sonja's excessive tippling

"Aside from a fisherman, no one has reported any rats at all."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"What doesn't make sense is this whole thing began"

Abraham (Nonso Anozie) takes a pot shot at James Patterson (we want to think)

"The fact that it's come to his searching for killer rats in an abandoned hotel.... I should have gone to college."

"I thought you did go to college?"

"I should have gone to a better college."

Jamie's (Kristen Connolly) reaction to the team's latest project is best summed up as: "Rats!"

"So, as a crazy person, it makes sense Ashley S. can communicate with the crabs better than she can the humans."

Ashley I., waxing psychological