Quotes Of The Week For May 31, 2015

"Scientists once believed the universe was a chaotic collection of matter. We now know the universe is essentially a force sending cosmic guidance to white women in their 20s."

Bill Nye the Science Guy offers a new take on the cosmos

"Can you describe your perfect woman?"

"Large teetahs. Makes me food any hour of the day. And, I dunno, that's it. That's pretty much it."

"Is that also how you would describe your mom?"

Amy kinda senses something Oedipal during a bro-on-the-street interview

"Do you work here most days?"

"Yeah. Except on Saturdays. But if you needed me to be here on Saturday, I could be here on Saturday...."

"Hey. This is my mom. We're looking for my dad. They're married, so...."

Ben (Charlie Tahan) would like the horn-dog convenience store clerk to dial it down a notch

"I had not anticipated this. This I had not anticipated."

"Well, that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book."

Ben (Kevin Dunn) is not a fan of Kent's (Gary Cole) crisis management skills when an intruder breaks into the White House

"Best Cat Therapist? They're cats! No matter what you do, they're not gonna be happy!"

Lolli (Niecy Nash) can't believe the types of businesses that made her local magazine's "Hot List"

"But then you apologized to the crowd at Comic-Con for Batman and Robin."

"I always apologize for Batman and Robin."

Guest George Clooney discussing his turn as the caped crusader

"Careful, don't open yourself up to the classic, reverse Sicilian gambit. That's a chess thing, right?"

"Sounds more like something a call girl would make you pay extra for."

Liv (Rose McIver) approaches chess-player Major (Robert Buckley)

"So, women wear corsets so they don't exert themselves?"

"Partly."

"What would be the danger if they did?"

"They'd take over the world."

Victor (Harry Treadaway) gives Lily (Billie Piper) his surprisingly feminist take on women's undergarments

"We're kind of good at this, aren't we?"

"Booth and Brennan 2.0? I mean, except for the being married and babies part."

"Or having any kind of sex at all."

"Right. Obviously. Up here with the fiberglass and the heavy breathing..."

"I meant anywhere."

"Right."

Inspecting a cramped attic gets (not too) close for comfort for Warren (Laura Spencer) and Aubrey (John Boyd)

"You should have the decency to stand when you speak to a lady."

"You should have the decency to kneel before the gods."

"Don't spar with me, little fellow."

"For me, it's the knees. You?"

"Hips."

Lady Olenna (Diana Rigg) and the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce) don't get along, but they can agree that getting old is a real pain

"That's an 'i' everybody!"

Michael Strahan gets super enthusiastic doing the simplest move of Kelly Ripa's 'Angry Alphabet' workout routine

"May I use your restroom?"

A terrified Donnie (Kristian Bruun) after drug kingpins almost cut off his nose

"I wanted to take my husband into our backyard, and beat him with $100 bills."

Kim's not quite on board with the early decision to give the full 100K away

"Child, I'm so ready to get this cruise going! There may be so many people on that boat, it might sink just like it did in Titanic, with, um, Leonardo DaVinshki."

Adrian might want to hit up IMDb before he drops any more film references in his confessionals