Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 18, 2016

"What do you want me to say? That all of this is completely devoid of risk? We're sending her undercover to possibly the most dangerous organization in the world. Can things go wrong? Absolutely."

"I feel like you don't give a lot of pep talks."

Patterson (Ashley Johnson) advises newbie Nas (Archie Panjabi) to make future speeches a bit more inspirational

"So, the name of the song is 'Call Me Irresponsible.' Remind you of anybody?"

Cheryl Burke teases partner Ryan Lochte about his Rio "robbery" scandal

"Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte's debut on Dancing With the Stars was interrupted last night when audience members rushed the dance floor in the middle of the judges' comments. Lochte got so scared he peed all over a Brazilian gas station."

"The first official trailer for the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey sequel was released online today. 'Awesome,' said someone who hasn't heard of porn."

"You cut the s—t, you understand me?! I need to know what happens next, I'm not here to be your f—king friend."

"Well, and here I thought I'd found a fourth for bridge."

Mac (Logan Marshall-Green) isn't looking for a buddy, Buddy

"If I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have taken Spanish in high school."

"What did you take?"

"Just myself, very seriously."

Nick (Frank Dillane), expressing to Luciana (Danay Garcia) his regret that he can't communicate with many people at the colonia

"Stop Foursquaring yourself every time you leave the house like the mayor of Thirsty Town. Also, stop using Foursquare like the mayor of 2011."

Gretchen (Aya Cash) has some advice for her therapist

"How can you party like this when you know someone died?"

"I work at a hospital, dude. Just because a busload of dead kids rolled up doesn't make it not Margarita Monday."

Vernon (Todd Robert Anderson) demonstrates his tender bedside manner to Edgar (Desmin Borges)

"You know what, Dave? You ever seen a guy's heart get ripped right out of his chest? Because I have. And it looks like it hurts like a sonuvabitch."

"Tw-twenty [thousand] is good."

Never, ever haggle with a beast

"Here's what's cool... if you take one of them out, the music pauses, and then you put it back in and the music keeps playing. Then if you double tap your ear, Siri will talk to you — or it will give you medicine."

Guest co-host Neil Patrick Harris embellishes when telling Kelly about his experience with the new wireless Apple EarPods

"I wish you still had your badge and your gun."

"I may not have my badge, but Mama's still packin'."

Lee (Angela Bassett), reassuring Shelby (Sarah Paulson) that she can still take on anything that goes bump in the night

"Do you own a shirt?"

"Does a Grithian herdsman have nine anuses?"

"What?"

"Yes, I have a shirt."

Linda (Artemis Pebdani) asks Zorn (Jason Sudeikis) about proper work attire — and he piques our curiosity with his answer

"No, no, no! That is going right back where it came from... I want it out of my driveway."

"Oh, come on. Don't act like you never rode a Death Hawk, Edie."

"I was 19. I was coked out of my mind!"

Edie (Cheryl Hines) and Zorn (Jason Sudeikis) argue about Alangulon's method of transportation

"The model turns the corner, and I about wet my basement."

Alex, apparently very pleased with the way his design looked on the catwalk

"Just get us the check and stop trying to upsell me on s—t. You've been killing me tonight. You've been f—king killing me."

Earn (Donald Glover) informs the waitress at a pricey restaurant that he does not need to see the dessert menu

"Send your angry petitions to My Snatch, care of Suck It, You Know I'm Right, Pueblo, Colorado, 81001."

Bee invites supporters of third-party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein to direct their complaints to her personally

"Oh, come on, Matt! Do you really think there's an email smoking gun that the Inspector General, a House committee, the FBI and 18 months of nonstop news coverage couldn't find that'll be magically uncovered by seven minutes of questions by a human Splenda whose crowning journalistic triumph is not knowing where the f—k he is?"

Bee takes Matt Lauer down a peg for the Hillary Clinton portion of the Commander-in-Chief forum

"Don't make any furtive movements."

"Excuse me. I know how to be black."

Gustav (Johnny Ray Gill) doesn't need any help from Rochelle (Nikki M. James) when it comes to conflict with police officers

"She has happy resting face. You know who has those? Lunatics and Labradors."

Kate, assessing ultra-chipper Sierra (pictured)

"Hey, when do babies start talking?"

"Um, three or four months?"

"His first word is gonna be 'barbecue' if I got anything to say about it."

Bos (Toby Huss) tells Cameron (Mackenzie Davis) about his wishes for his grandson

"Look at this! We've got the same hair."

Bos (Toby Huss) bonds with his grandson

"Wow, I haven't had penis in weeks!"

Guest Jimmy Kimmel jokes about having to eat bull penis (yes, bull penis) during a game of "Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts"

"If I do this, how will I sleep at night?"

"You drink and you take pills, like everybody else!"

Campaign strategist Teddy Redbones (Bill Hader) explains to candidate Ben Herndon (Van Epperson) how to survive in politics