Quotes Of The Week For Dec. 14, 2014

"Why does this keep happening to me?"

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) is invited by Ray to help, you know, save Starling City

"Father said I'd know you by the snakes in your hair."

Spencer (Nicolas Bechtel), surprised to learn that the "broad" standing before him was his legendarily evil great-grandmother, Helena

"Hey — buy a guy a drink first."

Judson (Bob Newhart) declares Baird to be frisky when she gropes his mirror end

"I wish you would tell Elijah you're marrying your werewolf suitor, at which I will pour him a scotch and congratulate him on the bullet he dodged."

Klaus (Joseph Morgan) isn't one to beat around the bush, even when insulting his baby mama​ ​Hayley

"I think I'd be a bit testy too if my old ex was about to jump into my new ex. I think that'd be a bit, uh..."

"Awkward?"

"I was going to say kinky, but..."

Kol (Daniel Sharman) and Cami (Leah Pipes) discuss the finer points of body-swapping

"Boy, you're like an embroidered pillow with feet."

Bonnie (Allison Janney), reacts to another platitude from pal Marjorie

"Barry Bonds. Bob Barker. Bilbo Baggins. Big boobs."

Laura (Debra Messing) might be a while trying to decipher a victim's calendar showing a weekly appointment with a mysterious "B.B."

"Is this a mutiny?!"

"It's an intervention."

Charlie (Sam Waterston) rails against his staff, including Mac (Emily Mortimer)... moments before his big goodbye

"What do you want to do?"

"I want you to marry me."

"What?"

"Just say yes."

"Yes. Yes!"

Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) and Avery (Jonathan Jackson) finally do what we've wanted them to do all season and get engaged!

"For the record, I'm not scared of being in a relationship, Henry. You are."

"I happen to be in a relationship that is healthy and functional and smooth."

"It literally sounds like you're describing a bowel movement."

"That's strictly coincidental!"

Eliza (Karen Gillan), laying down some real talk for Henry (John Cho) after he avoids admitting his feelings for her

"I should have called in dead."

Roman (Brian Geraghty) reacts to being assigned to ridealong with his ex-girlfriend/partner

"Did I ever tell you about the time that I met my ex-boyfriend's family over the holidays?"

"I've known you for 20 minutes."

"Well, it was worse than the last season of Scrubs. A teaching hospital? Come on!"

An airline employee (Billy Eichner) maligns the NBC sitcom while complaining to new frenemy Jess (Zooey Deschanel)

"You're nothing! You could be a pillow, a donut, a sock!"

Maggie (Emma Roberts), trying to impress upon Ima Wiggles how little it means to a drunken Jimmy that they're bumping uglies

"You should see it when it's angry."

Stanley (Denis O'Hare), after whipping out his jaw-dropping member in front of Dell

"Remove your shirts. This is custom."

Maseo (Karl Yune) informs Oliver (Stephen Amell) before a fight with Ra's al Ghul (Matt Nable) — and thank God for that

"What type of people live there?"

"Junkies, whores, homeless."

"Actors."

Max (Kat Dennings) and Caroline (Beth Behrs), filling out a questionnaire in hopes of renting out their craptastic Williamburg apartment on Airbnb

"Booth is a dreamboat I'd like to take a sail on."

Angela (Michaela Conlin) doesn't hide her feelings about the jewel thief in the Hitchcock-inspired episode

"So you never let anyone in your bedroom before? Must be cold in there."

"Men have been slapped for less."

"And more."

Jewel thief Booth (David Boreanaz) gets cheeky with Detective Brennan (Emily Deschanel) while hiding out in her home — under some conditions

"So you'll convince her you're Suzy Homemaker. Then what?"

"Then she'll realize that I'm a grownup and that I knew what I was doing when I married you."

"You're asking a lot of a chicken Caesar salad."

Austin (Matthew Atkinson) and Summer (Hunter King), reviewing her harebrained scheme to use lunch to prove to her mother that she wasn't nuts to get hitched to the hottie who stalked Avery and shot Paul

"It's a miracle. Jesus turned the turkey to ham!"

Diane (Marsai Martin), expresses her excitement when her mother's Christmas Eve dinner is replaced by her grandmother's

"I'm his Secret Santa and I don't know what to get him."

"Golf balls."

"That's for white people. Danny's Italian."

"Meatballs."

"Nah, I'll just eat them."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) shoots down ideas — and seriously misunderstands ethnicity — while fielding ideas for Danny's (Chris Messina) holiday gift

"What the hell am I wearing?!"

The Evil Queen (Lana Parrilla) is not a fan of Regina's pantsuits

"I pick flowers. I talk to birds. I do all kinds of warm, fuzzy things. And you know what else? I kill. I killed the Evil Queen's mommy. And I said I'm sorry. And I didn't mean it. Still wanna hold hands, sing 'Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah'?"

The Spell of Shattered Sight has made Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin) a little dirty

"So, you believe Dino because he gave you a paper cut...?"

Beckett (Stana Katic) is no bleeding heart when it comes to Castle's omerta "blood oath" with a mobster

"I have to have my gallbladder removed."

"Surgically?"

"No, Arthur, they're going to coax it out with promises of a better life."

A little medical banter, courtesy of Marjorie (Laurie Metcalf) and Arthur (Jack McGee)

"I know I tried to kill you when you were toddlers, but I've got to say, it sure is nice to be around family for the holidays."

Kai (Chris Wood) is one seriously twisted older brother

"Just think sociopathic Ryan Reynolds."

Damon's (Ian Somerhalder) description of Kai could not be more spot on

"Now that he's served his purpose, I'm going to kill the man who destroyed my life. Best. Day. Ever."

The Doctor aka Cal (Kyle MacLachlan) readies to take down HYDRA honcho Whitehall

"Some chick bolting on you is not an emergency. That's every Friday night for Sam."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) reacts to Cas' (Misha Collins) call for help after his "daughter" Claire (Kathryn Love Newton) runs away

"Of course you had a father. You were just conceived during a winter solstice orgy, and it's not like I was taking names."

Witch Rowena (Ruth Connell) "comforts" her son Crowley (Mark Sheppard) about his daddy issues

"I fight certain deadly threats to humanity."

"He's an exterminator."

"I think I might have bed bugs. Any tips?"

"Of course. You should sleep tight and not let them bite."

Angel Castiel (Misha Collins) and his "daughter" Claire (Kathryn Love Newton) attempt to explain his profession while being interrogated by her group home supervisor