Quotes Of The Week For Oct. 18, 2015

"This one says 'Die pig,' and worst of all, they didn't put the comma between 'die' and 'pig.'"

Amy (Melissa Fumero) is the target of some criminal grammar

"With all due respect, Mr. Galavan, I'm not your man. You need an assassin. This is Gotham, you can find them in the phone book — under A."

Penguin (Robin Lord Taylor) snuffs Galavan's offer to kill the mayoral candidates

"I've been poked, prodded.... I even subjected myself to a full body scan."

"I was being thorough."

Caitlin (Danielle Panabaker) took her time studying the Chiseled Crimson Comet, Jay Garrick

"A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. And people who order a quad-shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims."

"I've gotten amazing at the art of the suggestive use of the emoji."

"Huh. Creative use of the eggplant."

Shane (Michael J. Willett) shows off his emoji skills to Amy (Rita Volk)

"I thought Thea could use some time out of town. A spa getaway. Clear her head."

"As long as it's not near any hot tubs, because that's what got me in this situation."

Learning how she was brought back to life was the pits for Thea (Willa Holland)

"Skinny jeans are out. Fringe is in. Ponchos are forever. Make a note of it."

Fashion-forward Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare), schooling the editors of Vogue

"Just 'cause I'm sucking on a dude doesn't mean I'm gay."

Newly minted vampire Tristan (Finn Wittrock), setting the record straight — pun not intended! — for The Countess

"Thanks to you, he's a wig and a hotel away from being Norman Bates."

Jimmy (John Stamos) isn't convinced Sara's relationship with their son Gerald is any healthier than his

"In the ultimate miracle, the oil boom brought Don Johnson back, and a Don Johnson television show is as rare as a solar eclipse. And like a solar eclipse, you really shouldn't look directly at it."

John Oliver sheds some perspective on ABC's Don Johnson-led drama Blood & Oil

"Look, there is a jumbo box of condoms under the bathroom sink. I share. They are for everyone."

"Jumbo? Seriously?"

"I was being optimistic."

Amelia (Caterina Scorsone), explaining to Alex (Justin Chambers) why she was stockpiling prophylactics

"Are those Smash people under me...? Are those Smash people down there again??"

Her sappy speech to Tracy interrupted, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) reminds us of our love/hate affair with Julia Houston and her scarves

"Look, if you have to walk down into somebody's basement, and there's one swinging lightbulb and a futon — you know you're in the wrong place."

Wendy offers some advice for viewers seeking low-cost plastic surgery while discussing a low-rent butt-implants-gone-wrong segment on Iyanla: Fix My Life

"Let me get this straight: You got parkoured by a blind priest..."

"I'd say the blindness is under dispute."

"Uh-huh. And what about the fact that he's 60. Was he faking his age, too?"

"Sixty is the new 20."

Beckett (Stana Katic) teases Castle (Nathan Fillion) about his recent blindside

"What are you waiting for, probie?"

Gibbs (Mark Harmon) orders new "team member" Vance to get hopping!

"Hello? Anybody burying somebody nobody cared about?"

Damon (Ian Somerhalder) crashes Lily's funeral for the heretic... uh, we forgot his name, which proves Damon correct

"I wore a Bjorn dammit!"

"Is that that little half-bra with the baby hanging out the front?"

Dre's (Anthony Anderson) idea of being a great dad differs slightly from Pops' (Laurence Fishburne)

"First we drink, and then we talk business."

"Riiiight. Because you guys aren't hard enough to understand as it is."

And indeed, as May (Ming-Na Wen) feared, subtitles would be needed to understand slurry Hunter (Nick Blood) and his fellow Brit

"Eyes up here."

"Busted, sorry... Does she have a name?"

"I love my car, but it's just a car. And it's a him."

Rosalind Price's (Constance Zimmer) sweet set of wheels draws Coulson's (Clark Gregg) male gaze

"Sharon, you have had bits of your family in your mouth, I imagine, at some point in the past."

"That's sexual... I do not put my husband's penis between bread!"

Aisha Tyler and Sharon Osbourne discuss whether they'd eat something after finding a family member's hair in it

"What is that?"

"It's your basic corpse detection system."

"And you just... have that handy?"

"Only for the holidays."

Andre (Trai Byers) and Rhonda (Kaitlin Doubleday) are baffled by Thirsty's (Andre Royo) methods of dead-body location

"It's either him or me. Cary goes, or I do."

"Did he just issue the easiest ultimatum in history?"

David Lee (Zach Grenier) laughs off Howard Lyman's fighting words

"First all, she's not a psychopath. She's a sociopath."

Luisa (Yara Martinez) splits hairs about her criminal ex, Sin Rosetro

"Are there any other copies?"

"No, just the one on the phone."

"Good. Delete any record of them, anywhere. Especially the damn cloud. Worst thing ever invented."

Annalise (Viola Davis) is adamant that Frank (Charlie Weber) delete an incriminating piece of video evidence against their latest client

"What if I got ambitions?"

"You wear short pants 'til you prove you're a man."

"I'm a man—"

"You're the comic in a piece of bubble gum!"

Dodd Gerhardt (Jeffrey Donovan) belittles little brother Rye (Kieran Culkin)

"Aye, I know that look. The button on the top turns it on."

"I know how to use a phone."

"What's that, then?"

"It's a picture from up inside Zelena."

"Whoa, mate..."

"No, no, it's of the baby. They call it a sonogram."

Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) and Robin (Sean Maguire) behold the marvels of technology

"How do you still have access to the fingerprint database?"

"I'm a fan of backdoors."

Laying the innuendo on a little thick, aren't you, Simon (Tate Ellington)?