Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 19, 2017

LUCIFER

"Seeing as I'm the only interesting single person here, I'm our one shot at catching the killer."

"Lucifer, we're looking for a guy."

"Your point?"

"Uh, he's a dude. And he's straight."

"That's never stopped me before, Daniel. I'm so good at flipping men, they call me The Skillet."

Lucifer (Tom Ellis) is single and ready to mingle... with a killer

MR. ROBOT

"Frasier... I'm cool with suspending my disbelief a little, but this? Am I really supposed to believe that a balding white dude from Seattle get to smash that much?" 

Leon (Joey Bada$$) brings up some plausibility issues with the classic Kelsey Grammer sitcom

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"CBS News today fired Charlie Rose after eight women accused him of sexual harassment. It's too bad, but if you want to keep your job, you've gotta get that number up to 16."

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"Here's a good rule of thumb: If your face isn't pulling in the babes, your penis isn't gonna make the difference. Everybody's penis is 100 percent less attractive than their face. Women don't love the penis. If they love the man, they'll tolerate the penis."

THE WALKING DEAD

"Chokehold's illegal, a—hole."

Rick (Andrew Lincoln) to Daryl, after their philosophical debate about killing their enemies got physical

THE FLASH

"Do you want to tell me what's really bothering you?"

"My Spidey sense is just tingling way off the charts."

Barry (Grant Gustin) is very "bugged" by mild-mannered Clifford DeVoe

THE MIDDLE

"He just throws everything in here like a big mess. That's why we have chipped bowls, our Tupperware is melted... the Spider-Man and Flintstones glasses rubbed up against each other, so now we have no nice glasses for company."

Frankie (Patricia Heaton) is sick of Axl half-assing the dishes

MARVEL'S RUNAWAYS

"Great party, Alex. Thanks for all the pizza and sadness."

Chase (Gregg Sulkin) chides Alex for hosting what's turning into a super-somber reunion in Episode 1

SEARCH PARTY

"We're literally digging a grave! It's just such a weird way to end my day!"

Portia (Meredith Hagner) doesn't enjoy having to add grave-digging to her normal nighttime routine

DAVID LETTERMAN: THE KENNEDY CENTER MARK TWAIN PRIZE

"Dave has always had spot-on cosmetic instincts. What better time than right now to start looking like a Confederate war general?"

Steve Martin, deadpanning the perfect critique of Letterman's unruly beard

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"My son is a basic bitch."

Charles (Joe Lo Truglio), a well-established foodie, is especially upset that adopted son Nikolaj is a picky eater

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Bonus Quote!)

"I wouldn't say I'm controlling. I would say I'm type-A. You should write type-A there instead of controlling."

Amy (Melissa Fumero) tries — and fails — to convince Jake that she's not controlling

MOM

"I've now given up pot, pills, cocaine, alcohol and most illegal activities. But nothing has kicked my ass like quitting the internet. No Facebook, no Twitter... my 36 followers are probably worried sick about me."

Bonnie (Allison Janney) worries about how her small (but dedicated?) online following is handling her social media absence

MOM (Bonus Quote!)

"Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has entered the building."

Bonnie (Allison Janney) reacts to Jill's new look

YOUNG SHELDON

"You think Sheldon's right... about the punting and the math?"

"I should think so. He's been doing our taxes since he was six years old and we've never been audited."

George Sr. (Lance Barber) asks Mary (Zoe Perry) if she thinks Sheldon's football statistics are up to snuff

SUPERGIRL

"You've never needed my protection. Except for that one time we went for all-you-can-eat ribs, and you were inhaling those things, if I remember correctly. I swear if..."

"That was a limited time offer! I HAD TO!"

Mon-El (Chris Wood) and Kara (Melissa Benoist) reminisce about happier times — and the importance of getting your money's worth

LADY DYNAMITE

"I was heading home from the Westworld Season 3 premiere party. You want to know what's at the center of that f—king maze? Boredom!"

Maria's agent Karen Grisham (Ana Gasteyer) is apparently not a fan of HBO's robot Western

ARROW

"Sitrep?"

"You've got four turkeys near the entrance and five more stuffed in on the floor — all puns intended."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) watches over a Thanksgiving-night op

CRIMINAL MINDS

"His story completely checks out. Aside from being slightly morally repugnant, he's clean as a whistle... if that whistle was slightly morally repugnant."

Garcia (Kirsten Vangsness) rules out a (slightly morally repugnant) POI

LONGMIRE

"You guys got any Diet Coke?"

[Walt, tapping coffee pot] "No, just coffee."

"Geez. It's like pioneer times."

Marilyn (Tantoo Cardinal) needs her cold, caffeinated medicine

LONGMIRE (Bonus Quote!)

"Remember the asymptote."

"What are you talking about?"

"Geometry. Any asymptote is a curve that approaches a line, always getting closer, never touching."

"Cowboys and Indians. We can be friends, but there's always gonna be a gap between us."

"Jesus! We're about to get into a gunfight and you two are talking about math?!"

The only geometry Vic (Katee Sackhoff) is worried about right now is the angle of incoming bullets