Quotes Of The Week For April 23, 2017

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"I've gotta say... Donald Trump has done a lot for me in the first hundred days. Thank you for your service, Mr. President."

After POTUS tweeted that he's accomplished a lot in his first 100 days — "including S.C.," he wrote — Colbert gives credit to the president for boosting his ratings (and throws subtle shade at Fallon?)

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON

"I don't know if you remember saying this, but I hosted Saturday Night Live a couple of weeks ago and I [asked] you, 'Have you seen the show Big Little Lies?' Do you remember what you said to me?"

"I was like, 'Oh, yeah, three white women having problems on the beach. I tune in every week for that.' I mean, what real problems do you have? I've got a homegirl who's got four baby daddies and seven children. Now that's big little lies right there!"

Maybe let Leslie Jones write Big Little Lies Season 2?

SUPERSTORE

"I always wanted to be a bridesmaid, and I don't know if I'll ever get another chance. I mean, my sister is just so ugly."

Dina (Lauren Ash), who so desperately wants to be a bridesmaid, pleads her case to Cheyenne

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"President Trump today spoke at the Holocaust Memorial Museum's National Days of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the six million people who attended his inauguration."

THE LEFTOVERS

"Try not to walk on too much water while I'm gone, OK?"

Nora (Carrie Coon), busting Kevin's "holy balls" on her way out of town

VEEP

"Oh my goodness, you're so funny! If only the American people could have known you for your sense of humor, instead of your bizarre indifference to apartheid."

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), taking a swipe at former POTUS Stevenson after he mocks her short time as commander-in-chief

GREAT NEWS

"Who is Snapchat? Is he one of the Minions? And are they all Pokémen?"

Chuck (John Michael Higgins) can't make sense of pop culture

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the Seven-Four was getting shut down..."

"There's no way that's true. Amy doesn't have a friend."

"I do so! Although, I only see her at work events. And we only talk through email. Oh God! She's just a colleague."

Jake (Andy Samberg) and Gina (Chelsea Peretti) lead Amy (Melissa Fumero) to a sad conclusion

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Bonus Quote!)

"The Seven-Four has a significant advantage. They house an elite gang task force."

"Well, this is on you, sir. I begged you for a task force. But no, you wouldn't give me funding for Strike Team Thunder Kill Alpha Colon Hard Target."

"You never told me what it was for."

"It's a strike team that... kills thunder and puts its colon on... hard targets."

Jake (Andy Samberg) has no logical explanation for why he or the Nine-Nine would need an elite task force

THE GREAT INDOORS

"Man, I love this show!"

"Yeah. They're so pretty, I don't even care that they're little liars."

Eddie (Chris Williams) and Jack (Joel McHale) bond over a certain long-running Freeform drama

HAWAII FIVE-0

"Don't listen to anything I've said over the years about driving like a sane person. Just get here as fast as you can."

Ohh, Danny (Scott Caan) may one day regret telling Steve that

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Am I interrupting something?

"We were just... making some pancakes."

"Pancakes. Right. Maybe I should come back after you've had... pancakes."

Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) interrupts her daughter Emma's hot breakfast

THE BIG BANG THEORY

"What happened to learning the unicycle?"

"Oh, I stopped that. It was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual — all cycles are dumb."

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) tells Amy (Mayim Bialik) why he gave up on learning how to ride a unicycle

BROCKMIRE

"That better be vodka. That's not water, is it?"

"I don't need alcohol to make it through the day. [Takes sip of water] Ooh, that is awful. Oh my God! Seventy percent of the Earth is made up of that s—t?"

Jules (Amanda Peet) knows a sober Brockmire (Hank Azaria) is a useless Brockmire when it comes to calling baseball games

BROCKMIRE (Bonus Quote!)

"We're reaching the end of our Internet-fame cycle and these things move very fast. It starts with video, then memes, conventional media, late-night monologues... finally, if my mom has seen it, we're dead."

Charles (Tyrel Jackson Williams) explains Internet fame to Brockmire

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY

"Why don't you stop getting vaginal rejuvenation and put an E-ZPass on that vagina, with your Holland Tunnel?"

Dorinda drops a few NYC-specific references while criticizing Sonja's active sex life

FARGO

"They glued his nose and mouth shut. Are we thinking 'cause of death' is somehow a cliffhanger?"

Minnesota cop Gloria (Carrie Coon) shows a real knack for deductive reasoning

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"According to a new report, German chancellor Angela Merkel was recently forced to explain to President Trump 11 times how trade works with European countries. She started to lose it around NEIN!"

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

"She's a vindictive blind girl! How can she create a board game when she can't even tell if her blouse is on inside out?"

Her question may be a little tactless, but Hanna (Ashley Benson) does raise a good point

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS (Bonus Quote!)

"At least when I threatened adults, I looked up from my phone."

Listening to Alison (Sasha Pieterse) gripe about the next generation of Liars is just rich

SCANDAL

"There must be something wrong with me. These women I like, they're these forces of nature. Tornadoes. Our relationships shouldn't always end in devastation — or, you know, domestic terrorism."

Oh, David (Joshua Malina), what are we going to do with you?

THE CATCH

"Remind me not to piss you off."

"I do. Constantly."

Justine (Gina Torres) even rattles Ben (Peter Krause), which ain't easy

PRISON BREAK

"Did you hear that?! The closest one yet! Just when you think it couldn't get worse, locked up in a Porta Potty, they start dropping 2,000-pound bombs in the Porta Potty!"

Whip (Augustus Prew) doesn't want to go out with a bang while in solitary

ARROW

"What did I tell you about calling me 'Hoss'?"

"Don't."

Lance (Paul Blackthorne) can't seem to shake Rene's nickname for him

SUPERGIRL

"Did I mention that I'm a black belt?

[Lena KOs Jack's CFO]

"Did I mention that I'm a Luthor?"

Lena (Katie McGrath) does the family name proud