Quotes Of The Week For April 1, 2018

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Hello, Kevin? I won't be joining you at the opera tonight. The tickets are under my name: H-O-L..."

Captain Holt (Andre Braugher) spelling out his last name for husband Kevin is peak Captain Holt

SILICON VALLEY

"People don't want to follow an idea. They want to follow a leader. Look at the last guy to create a new internet: Al Gore. His ideas were excellent, but he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner. So he lost the presidency to a fake cowboy, and now he makes apocalypse porn."

Jared (Zach Woods) doesn't want Richard to make the same mistakes Al Gore did

ROSEANNE

"What's Etsy?"

"It's like a yard sale, except online because nobody can afford a yard anymore."

Darlene (Sara Gilbert) perfectly describes Etsy to her mother

LEGION

"So I'm supposed to find the Shadow King from inside a daiquiri?"

David (Dan Stevens) is skeptical of Cary's strawberry-flavored sensory deprivation tank

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Stormy Daniels' lawyer says she can describe President Trump's genitalia in great detail — and now everybody wants her to sign a nondisclosure agreement."

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY

"It was like a pressure cooker. I don't even know what that means because I don't cook, but, like, you know what I mean?"

Tinsley describes the end of her long-distance relationship in terms she herself doesn't understand

SCHITT'S CREEK

"I've been waiting for this moment. Apparently, if they call your number, you get to stand in front of a judge! I feel like I'm on The Voice!"

Jocelyn (Jennifer Robertson) can't contain her excitement over being summoned for jury duty

MODERN FAMILY

"Am I too competitive? I mean, she does often say, 'Phil, do you always have to finish first?'"

Phil (Ty Burrell) always finishes... shopping for the perfect anniversary gift before Claire does

NCIS

[Little girl meets Torres, then asks Bishop a question in Spanish]

"What'd she say?"

"She wants to know why his shirt is so tight."

"Don't we all."

McGee (Sean Murray), Gibbs (Mark Harmon) and Bishop (Emily Wickersham) turn into special agents for the Fashion Police

BLACK LIGHTNING

"Damn, Mr. P.! That's your car."

"Tavon — language."

"I mean, dang, Mr. P. That's still your car."

Jefferson (Cress Williams) is always in principal mode, even when dirty cops rummage through his Volvo

SCANDAL

"I was supposed to be Jackie Kennedy — American royalty, Daughter of the American Revolution. Not the wife of the vice president's bitch."

We may have forgotten that Vanessa (Jessalyn Gilsig) was on this show, but we were glad to have her back this week — even if it was for the last time

ATLANTA

"I want this wing of the museum to be dedicated to great fathers: my father, Joe Jackson, Marvin Gay Sr., Tiger Woods' father, Serena Williams' father, the father that drops off Emilio Estevez in The Breakfast Club..."

Teddy Perkins (Donald Glover) has a strange definition of "great" when it comes to fatherhood

IMPOSTERS

"What about the code? Thou shall scam only a—holes?"

"The guy called me petunia."

"Definitely an a—hole."

Jules (Marianne Rendón) and Ezra (Rob Heaps), after he pickpockets a man's wallet

ROSEANNE (Bonus Quote!)

"The kids here are idiots. Who leaves security tags on stolen clothes?"

"God! I'm sorry your henchmen are stupid, Riddler!"

Darlene (Sara Gilbert) has no patience for Harris (Emma Kenney), who has the gall to complain about the delinquent friends helping her steal clothes

ONCE UPON A TIME

"I don't think I got your name."

"Margot. With a T."

"Targo?"

"Other end."

Tilly (Rose Reynolds) and Margot (Tiera Skovbye) keep meeting cuter and cuter!

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"I must say, it has been such an honor, Barack."

"I go by 'Barry.'"

"I really like Barack."

"Well, Barack is what it says on my birth certificate."

"Yeah, you might want to hold on to that."

Sara (Caity Lotz) does what she can to nip the future's birther movement in the bud

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"I don't see it. None of you looks like me."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you, grandpappy. I guess your daughter found a real man."

Fitz (Iain De Caestecker) can't grasp his tie to Deke (Jeff Ward)

BLUE BLOODS

"Excuse me, sir. I'm Detective Reagan, this is Detective..."

"Abetamarco."

"...Detective Abbott-and-Costello."

Danny (Donnie Wahlberg) is a real wise guy

SUPERSTORE

"I sent a nude fax once."

"Full face?"

"Full face. I mean, an artist signs their work."

Dina (Lauren Ash) reveals to Amy (America Ferrera) her approach to sexting before smartphones

SUPERNATURAL

"They shut the rift before he could make it through."

"Oh, my God, that's tragic. It's like a Hallmark movie. But with tentacles."

Dean (Jensen Ackles), after hearing the sad love story of a tentacled god from another world