Quotes Of The Week For Oct. 26, 2014

"You should try this thing I saw on Live With Regis and Kelly."

"Actually, it's Live With Kelly and Michael Strahan now."

"Spoilers, Jacob! I'm not caught up."

Gil (John Gemberling) and Jake (Ken Marino) discussing Jake's engagement woes

"Why are all the computers here counting down? I feel like I'm in a Bruckheimer movie."

Eli (Alan Cumming) walks in on Alicia mid-malware attack

"Have you been drinking...?"

"I was working! I had to maintain my cover."

"Your cover as what, Ron Burgundy?"

As Skye (Chloe Bennett) sees it, Hunter (Nick Blood) is in no position to be S.H.I.E.L.D.'s anchorman

"You must believe me, Agent Coulson — we want the same thing."

"Unless it's an end to this conversation, I'm pretty sure we don't."

Raina (Ruth Negga) struggles to make a deal with Coulson (Clark Gregg)

"You know what? I don't have time. And yet you've had me waiting out there for over 45 minutes. Did you know the vending machine is broken? It's as if you enjoy making people miserable!"

"I work at the DMV!"

Red (James Spader), getting agitated with a DMV employee who should be helping him with a side project

"He used to say we were like fire and ice."

Caitlin (Danielle Panabaker) — who per DC Comics lore is fated to be Killer Frost — tells Barry about her fiancé Ronnie, who is fated to be Fire storm

"'Before I met Maya, I was rich and unhappy. Now I'm neither! Thank you, Healer!' —Ellen D"

A testimonial on healer Maya Ganesh's (Gwyneth Paltrow) web site sounds somewhat less than optimal

"Of course, we clean you with sage. And we have a Native American ritual to cleanse the spirit."

"And that's optional?"

"No, that's not optional. No. But it's not invasive. It's not vaginal or anything like that."

Maya Dinesh (Gwyneth Paltrow) discusses with Fiona (Lisa Kudrow) the perks package for guest speakers at her Golden Circles Spiritual Center

"You've been here for a day-and-a-half and you already have a nemesis?!"

Kate (Stana Katic) discovers that undercover Rick has been misbehaving with the classroom's 8-year-old bully

"So what do I call you now? 'Captain Hand'?"

Emma (Jennifer Morrison) gets a look at Killian's disappeared hook

"When people send me stuff and this is on it, I always think it's boobs!... I just learned today that this is a heart!"

Wendy, making a discovery about the heart emoticon thanks to Wiz Khalifa's birthday Tweet to Amber Rose

"Maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn't for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life."

Demon Dean (Jensen Ackles) delivers a crushing blow to Sam (Jared Padalecki)

"Not to sound anti-semantic, but the whole Jew thing? I think it's kind of bulls—t."

Prostitute Winsome (Inbar Lavi), trying her best not to make an Anti-Semitic comment about her Jewish pimp boss

"According to a new study of fossils, the act of sex used by humans was pioneered by an ancient armored fish called placoderms about 385 million years ago, but it wasn't perfected until last night by your momma."

"Weekend Update" anchor Michael Che tells a fish story

"It took me a week to get a hit off that print. I had to reconstruct the partial using an predictive indexing algorithm — appropriate, since it was his index finger.

[Oliver glares]

Not particularly relevant now."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) realizes that Oliver is not in a word-playing mood

"Today you get a twofer — Drunk Mellie and Smelly Mellie."

The First Lady (Bellamy Young) remains pickled and P.U.

"I pinged all of Jake's IP interfaces for the last two days, which landed me in his geo-location data stream. Then I ran that through my QR-9 knock-off, and from there it was easy. He might as well have been wearing a cowbell."

"There's not a single word in that sentence I understood except 'cowbell.'"

Huck (Guillermo Diaz) sorta lets Olivia (Kerry Washington) know that he has a lead on Jake's whereabouts

"Why don't you throw in an STD screening while you're at it."

Alaric (Matt Davis) after a hung-over Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) is taken by a doctor for a work-up

"If that man has harm planned for you, it is my duty to stand between you and that harm."

"Tedward, are you saying you want to be the black Kevin Costner to my white Whitney Houston?"

Tedward (Tone Bell) and Rebecca (Kate Walsh) discuss their judge-bailiff relationship when they begin to suspect an ex-con is stalking her

"I was regretfully unaware of Miss Caroline's affections for me."

"Uh-uh. Anyone could tell that girl had a case of Crane-on-the-brain."

Abbie (Nicole Beharie) is highly amused when Ichabod (Tom Mison) must awkwardly rebuff the advances of an admirer

"Could you find a hobby, take up a sport....?"

"I have a hobby — shooting people."

Reese (Jim Caviezel) shoots down Finch's suggestion to flesh out his false identity

"Bitch, please."

Bonnie (Liza Weil) expresses her disgust over Frank's (Charlie Weber) feigned obliviousness after he's caught staring jealously at Laurel and her legal-aid boyfriend

"What's your screen name mean?"

"I can show you."

"Oh, dude!"

Asher (Matt McGory), realizing a second too late that his colleague Connor's (Jack Falahee) dating-app screen name "eight is great" refers to, um, a certain appendage

"You were working as an Exorcist, Demonologist and... Master of the Dark Arts...?"

"It says Master, does it? I should really change that to Petty Dabbler. I really hate to put on airs."

Constantine (Matt Ryan) is first to admit that his business card perhaps overstates things

"I am the only myth around here."

Fraulein Elsa (Jessica Lange), sick to death of being discussed by her freaks less frequently than legendary bogeyman Edward Mordrake

"If it makes you feel any better, you taste much better than we thought you would."

Fine young cannibal Gareth (Andrew J. West), to his Unhappy Meal, Bob

"Well, it was a challenge to find a good pairing, but wine goes well with treachery."

Klaus (Joseph Morgan) letting Finn know exactly how thrilled he is about their big family dinner

THE ORIGINALS
"Every good story needs a Wicked Witch. It will be all the more satisfying when we melt her."

Hayley (Phoebe Tonkin) after Klaus (Joseph Morgan) tells her about the horrors of his mother

"Wu, I've gotta tell you something. Last year, when I was losing my mind, too —"

"— Sergeant?"

Hank (Russell Hornsby) comes thisclose to finally letting Wu (Reggie Lee) in on the truth about Wesen, only to be interrupted by a doctor who needs to speak with them

"I Googled you."

"Oh? That couldn't have gone well."

"No, it didn't."

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) makes uncomfortable small talk with her former bad-boy boss/baby daddy Rafael (Justin Baldoni)