Quotes Of The Week For Aug. 21, 2016

"What about me? You notice anything different?"

"No."

"No?"

"You're like the Chili's of sex."

While discussing their rekindled sex life, Valerie (Michaela Watkins) offers Drew (Zak Orth) a disappointing analogy

"Speaking of golf, Terrence, we teed this ball up for you right there, baby. When we're doing the show and we have zip-zip [score], I say, 'Hand me the dumb-dumb questions.'"

Alec Baldwin speaks the truth, as one of the scoreless players is handed (what should have been) an easily matchable question

"Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump: The Batman v. Superman of American politics in that it has left America very disappointed."

"Why choose between Coke and Pepsi when you can have Diet Shasta?"

Hasan Minhaj attempts to make a case for Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson

"I don't think the universe wants us having sex."

Callie (Maia Mitchell) after she and boyfriend AJ get caught in the act — again

"It's match point."

Chandler (Eric Dane) assures their tennis-playing Paraíso guide that the hidden factory jig is up

"It's also about the countries coming together. That's why the rings are interlocked."

"Oh! I thought it was just a symbol. I didn't know it symbolized something."

Jonah (Ben Feldman) schools a clueless Glenn (Mark McKinney) on the Olympics

"I invited you here because I have very good news."

"Savannah Guthrie finally found an eyeshadow that flatters her?"

"You know, I never knew it was possible for a woman to clash with [her] own eyelids."

Billy (Billy Eichner) and Julie (Julie Klausner) go on a tangent about the Today anchor when Marilyn (Andrea Martin) attempts to share good news

"Enjoy your Tonys."

"Oh, I do! Sometimes I pretend one's a boy Tony and one's a girl Tony, and I make them kiss. Not that two boy Tonys can't kiss. I don't know why I said that. That's very heteronormative. It's just I've already named them: Roger and Desiree."

Lin-Manuel Miranda fills former classmate Nate (Derrick Baskin) in on what he does with his Tony Awards

"Did you fly into his arms and tell him how much you missed him? Were there tears in your eyes? Was it raining, but you didn't care because the tears mixed with the raindrops reminded you that love is like a storm?"

Upon learning that her sister saw her high school sweetheart, playwright Bree (Emilie Ullerup) turns into Nicholas Sparks

"That's the fourth week in a row. Attendance is down. Tithing is down."

"These things are seasonal, though, Connie. You know that."

"Rain is seasonal. That there? That's Katrina."

Connie (Jen Harper), putting the church's downward spiral in perspective for Bishop Greenleaf (Keith David)

"...And if you don't know what a cryptozoologist is, that's a 'scientist' who goes around in search of animals that may or may not exist."

"Like Bigfoot?"

"Yeah. Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, Easter Bunny. All of that."

Mitch (Billy Burke) schools Jamie on his father's very "special" field of work

"You're looking for, what, a Cyclops?"

"Don't be ridiculous. The Arre River Monster, actually. It's a fascinating creature — like a giant moray eel."

"That actually makes sense, you in search of a mythical creature that resembles an enormous penis."

Mitch (Billy Burke) makes no bones about his dad being a real... tool

"I'm laying on a floor in a Mexican bar with a man's crotch in my face, like, humping it. It reminds me of high school."

Lace, for whom GPA apparently stood for Girl Partying Always

"His last meal was a protein shake."

"As if dying wasn't depressing enough."

Provenza (G.W. Bailey) mourns the deceased's "superhero" diet

"[The doctor has] got, like, a three-month waiting list. Plus, if you're not in television or the movies, you can forget it."

"Oh, well, the LAPD is in a lot of movies — and some of the best television shows on cable."

Provenza (G.W. Bailey) gives a certain TNT crime drama a plug

"You did it, my mishpocha!"

Jon Stewart paraphrases Wilmore's controversial closing line from the White House Correspondents Dinner to congratulate him on a job well done

"People say, 'You know, there aren't very many women in your business. How'd you get to be a woman in the position you're in in your business? And I say, 'Well, you know, some people think I look like a dude, and that helps!' [Laughs] I'm sorry, Mom. My mom gets really mad whenever I say that. But there you go."

Rachel Maddow, jokingly revealing the secret to her success

"His eyeballs, Dutch. One minute they were in his head, the next in my mouth. Did not taste like chicken."

D'Avin (Luke Macfarlane) is gonna wash that Six right out of his hair

"Dammit — just gluten, vegetables and rat meat."

[Spits out food] "Gluten, blech."

Pawter's (Sarah Power) food analysis doesn't sit well with Carl (Jameson Kraemer)