Quotes Of The Week For July 2, 2017

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"Let us dive right in with President Trump: the Bachelor in Paradise of American presidents."

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER (Bonus Quote!)

"Grandparents aren't close family? Good luck telling them that. Because that would require calling them, which would mean a 12- or 13-minute conversation at minimum, a conversation that would inevitably involve being asked if you remember Jerry Flaxman. You know, Jerry Flaxman. He used to live down the street. Jerry. Jerry Flaxman. You remember him. He had the daughter with the Internet business and she's gay now. Flaxman. What was her name? Jamie? Either Jamie or Amanda. Right, right... Samantha Flaxman. Anyway, her father is Jerry Flaxman and, well, he's dead now."

Oliver responds to grandparents not being considered "close family"  in President Trump's revised travel ban

CASUAL

"Wolverine, that's Hugh Jackman, right? I like him. He can sing, he's Australian, but not 'Racist Australian.'"

"'Mel Gibson Australian.'"

"Exactly."

Valerie (Michaela Watkins) and Jack (Kyle Bornheimer) break down the different types of Australians

THE CARMICHAEL SHOW

"Some things you're just better off not knowing. Wouldn't you rather think that Lance Armstrong was inexplicably fast? Or that Michael Jackson just really liked sleepovers? Or Woody Allen was just a really affectionate father?"

Jerrod (Jerrod Carmichael) tries (and fails) to defend his father after Bobby and Maxine find out he had another child out of wedlock

BLOOD DRIVE

"Must've been some dream."

Aki (Marama Corlett) can't help but notice Christopher's growing... censor bar

KINGDOM

"You want a drink?"

"What time is it?"

"Middle of the day."

"Then... I'll have vodka."

"I'm out of ice cubes."

"Then I'll... have vodka."

Lisa (Kiele Sanchez) will have vodka, thanks

KINGDOM (Bonus Quote!)

"The guy broke into your house, you did what you had to do. I'd have shot the motherf—er. I dream about that s–t!"

Alvey's (Frank Grillo) is not a home you want to invade!

BIG BROTHER

"You want a showmance? Go on The Bachelor."

Alex, encouraging Cody to focus more on the game than his relationship with Jessica

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL

"It's too cheap to be tragic, it's just sad."

Quinn (Rena Sofer), trying to put in perspective the marriage-wrecking kisses she shared with her son-in-law

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW

"The shape you've created here, it's very... male, isn't it?"

"Yeah, 'cause it's a hammer — strong. It's also a T. T for Thor. I'm not being led, my mum's gonna watch this!"

Tom, trying desperately not to admit that Mel was right and he'd baked the most phallic loaf of bread in history

FEAR THE WALKING DEAD

"The rhythm method is bulls—t. I told you that, right?"

"Yes, when I was 13. I thought you were talking about a band."

Alicia (Alycia Debnam-Carey), reassuring mom Madison (Kim Dickens) that she needn't worry about her getting knocked up

PREACHER

"Hey, you know that joke about the preacher who walks into a bar? That's him!"

A New Orleans tourist, making the mistake of antagonizing Jesse (Dominic Cooper) on his search for God

CLAWS

"Ohmigod, Heather, your book's gonna be a bestseller! I mean, it's just like a multi-ethnic Steel Magnolias!"

Polly's friend Sally (Gina Torres) is in awe of all the juicy drama going on at the nail salon

DEGRASSI: NEXT CLASS

"Can anyone apply?"

"Yeah, it's a free country. ... Sorry, is that offensive?"

Lola (Amanda Arcuri) is still learning how to talk to Saad (Parham Rownaghi), one of Degrassi's exchange students from the Middle East

POWER

"You ever play in the snow before?"

"No. The snow can be unpredictable. You never know how many inches you're gonna get."

LaKeisha (La La Anthony) has the perfect comeback when Tommy (Joseph Sikora) wonders whether she's ever slept with a white guy

YOUNGER

"Who knew there were so many candle scents? Bavarian pretzel... library books... nostalgic snow!"

"Nostalgic snow? What is that, old snow? Isn't that water?"

Candle shopping is so much more entertaining when Liza (Sutton Foster) and Diana (Miriam Shor) are involved

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY

"Sorry, I'm old-fashioned: I don't like talking about anal sex at the table. It's just me."

LuAnn clutches her pearls during a raunchy game of truth-or-dare at the dinner table

PLAYING HOUSE

"Does this make you want to cure my cancer?"

Emma (Jessica St. Clair) searches for the perfect blazer to impress her new cancer doctor

WYNONNA EARP

"Hey, I salted the rim! I'm not a savage."

Possessed Wynonna (Melanie Scrofano) can't fathom why sis is dry heaving over the freshly blended rat smoothie

WYNONNA EARP (Bonus Quote!)

"I hope I don't need to stress this, but... don't touch the goo."

"Oh, I don't even take free samples at the grocery store anymore."

Waverly (Dominique Provost-Chalkley) already learned that lesson the hard way, Lucado

BROADCHURCH

"How'd you do it, Miller? The whole single parent thing."

"By constantly absorbing feelings of failure, guilt and shame."

Miller (Olivia Colman) offers Hardy some words of parental wisdom

KILLJOYS

"I'm not gonna lie. I would make sweet, sweet love to him — and he would like it."

Johnny (Aaron Ashmore) is perhaps a bit too fond of his modified mug