Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 24, 2017

GREY'S ANATOMY

"Who... who are you?"

The "late" Megan (Abigail Spencer), jokingly feigning amnesia upon being reunited with brother Owen

DIFFICULT PEOPLE

"Would you like a laptop cord, or did you bring your own?"

"Excuse me?"

"I assumed you were a writer, based on your age, weight and bread."

Julie's L.A. waitress (Riki Lindhome) wastes no time jumping to conclusions

CHICAGO FIRE

"I've never been to a firefighter bar before."

"Oh, yeah, we've got cops, doctors, lawyers. [Pauses] Well, not so many lawyers anymore."

Dawson (Monica Raymund) takes a cheeky dig at Chicago Justice's cancellation

PROJECT RUNWAY

"This is a nun!"

"A pretty sexy nun..."

"A South American nun."

While debating a covered-up design, Nina Garcia concedes (sort of) to Zac Posen

GREENLEAF

"Is there any lie you won't suck onto like a leech just to keep from tasting the truth at the tip of your tongue?"

Mavis (Oprah Winfrey), stunned by the lengths to which Mae will go to remain clueless

SPEECHLESS

"It's so tidy! Oh, Dylan, put this vase back in the living room. We eat cereal out of bowls now!"

Maya (Minnie Driver), marveling at the difference cleaning up and getting organized has made to the DiMeo family

THE GOOD PLACE

"This is The Bad Place! I forking knew it, and clam chowder is disgusting. It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons!"

What did clam chowder ever do to you, Eleanor (Kristen Bell)?

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: CULT

"Look at this mess of humanity. Don't you think people should have to pass some sort of test to earn the right to vote?"

"Do you think you'd pass it?"

"Of course not. That's my point. I mean, who am I to vote? I can see me voting for the Emmys or the Globes, but I'm not nearly informed enough to pick our president."

Meadow (Leslie Grossman), waiting in line with Harrison (Billy Eichner) to vote in the 2016 presidential election

THE MINDY PROJECT

"Can my whole family crash with you for a little bit? You see, we bought a condo at Trump Tower, but we don't speak Russian so it's really hard to make friends."

Peter (Adam Pally) asks Mindy for a favor after making a yuuuuuge mistake

THE MINDY PROJECT (Bonus Quote!)

"I was thinking about it, and I have a lot to be thankful for: I got a great job, I got a great son and Will & Grace is back and bitchier than ever. Life is good!"

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) adopts a positive new attitude

GREAT NEWS

"I, Diana St. Tropez, am here to bring The Breakdown into the 21st century."

"Well, I think The Breakdown is just fine the way it is. We're the number one show in hospitals and on sinking riverboat casinos."

Chuck (John Michael Higgins) doesn't want the new boss (Tina Fey) to come in and change the show

GREAT NEWS (Bonus Quote!)

"Usually when I see a white man struggling, it makes me feel hopeful — like that time I saw Mitch McConnell eating a sub and the meatball fell into his crotch."

Portia (Nicole Richie) has no sympathy for the white man — even if it's the Senate majority leader

KEVIN CAN WAIT

"You can say a lot about Americans, but we're not lazy."

"I have seen you watch Ray Donovan in Spanish because the remote was sitting on top of the TV."

If Chale (Ryan Cartwright) is to be believed, Kevin (Kevin James) is not leading by example

HAWAII FIVE-0

"Can this thing go any faster?"

"Danny...?"

Tani (Meaghan Rath) has a thing or two to learn about McGarrett's driving

NCIS

"...we can easily push a small dating app onto the sat phone.... All right — hobbies?"

"Not dying."

With McGee and Gibbs' lives on the line, Vance (Rocky Carroll) helps Bishop quickly fill out a faux dating profile

CRIMINAL MINDS

"Ass clown...?"

Reid (Matthew Gray Gubler) needs a moment to process woozy Rossi's name-calling

GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)

"[Outside Minnick's apartment door] You have to help me lick your wounds."

[A neighbor passes by]

"That sounded dirtier than I meant it to."

Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) is chagrined by a slip of the tongue

HAWAII FIVE-0 (Bonus Quote!)

"Steve, how much time do we have?"

"Five people, less than a thousand square feet... We'll run out of O2 before we burn to death."

"You could have lied, you know."

Steve (Alex O'Loughlin) has bad news for Danny (Scott Caan)

DESIGNATED SURVIVOR

"He tried to trade me an egg salad sandwich for my pen...."

"His egg salad sandwiches are really good."

Defending quirky political director Lyor, Emily (Italia Ricci) gives Seth food for thought

MARVEL'S INHUMANS

"Eventually the universe will grow darker until black holes dominate the cosmos, and everyone, everything you've ever known will be sucked into the vast nothingness. No one will be left to observe this, no one left to care."

"This is why nobody invites you to do their birthday toasts."

Gorgon (Eme Ikwuakor) finds Karnak's (Ken Leung) insight to be a real buzzkill

MARVEL'S INHUMANS (Bonus Quote!)

"Never approach downwind, dumbass."

One of Maximus' assassins is about to make Gorgon (Eme Ikwuakor) stomping mad

THIS IS US

"It is perfectly normal for a mommy to go to work and a daddy to stay at home. Women can do anything. Look at Hillary Clinton, hmmm?"

"She lost."

"Yeah... but she almost won. Just eat your breakfast."

Randall (Sterling K. Brown) tries, and fails, to give his daughter Tess (Eris Baker) a lesson in gender equality

THIS IS US (Bonus Quote!)

"The Kardashians aren't going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"I promise. They're like gremlins. By next week, there will be like a bazillion more of them."

Kevin (Justin Hartley) and Sophie's (Alexandra Breckenridge) exchange has us wondering if the This Is Us writers are psychic

THE GOOD PLACE (Bonus Quote!)

"I'm too young to die! And too old to eat off the kids' menu! What a stupid age I am!"

A panicked Jason (Manny Jacinto) laments the uselessness of his current age

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER

"How much money is the insurance company giving you, anyway?"

"It's enough."

"Well, are we talkin' Oprah money or Gayle money?"

Ophelia (Cicely Tyson) needs more specifics about the insurance payout Annalise is getting for her house fire

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER (Bonus Quote!)

"We're finally free of her! We have to use it to our advantage. Get amazing internships and become the Michelle and... [gives Asher a once-over]... white Barack we were meant to be."

After Annalise breaks up with the Keating Four, Michaela (Aja Naomi King) kicks her ambition into overdrive

SCORPION

"You gonna be careful with that thing? I mean, you're basically drilling into a giant ball of explosive gas."

"Huh. Like Cabe after jerky. [Sylvester doesn't react] Really? I crack one joke a year, and I get nothing."

Happy (Jadyn Wong) doesn't appreciate Sylvester's silence after a rare moment of levity

THE BLACKLIST

"I need a case."

"Then I suppose I'll need my pants!"

Red (James Spader) will have to get out of the pool if he's going to help Liz (Megan Boone) find a new blacklister

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"But see, you still haven't told us the right way for black people to protest. We know it's wrong to do it in the streets. It's wrong to do it in the tweets. You cannot do it on the field. You cannot do it if you've kneeled. And don't do it if you're rich, you ungrateful son of a b—h. Because there's one thing that's a fact: You cannot protest if you're black."

Noah takes a page from Dr. Seuss' book while expressing his frustration over the NFL kneeling controversy

CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD

"We're learning a lot about rich people today."

Steve Harvey roasts the Shark Tank team after Lori Greiner gives terrible answers in the Fast Money round