Quotes Of The Week For July 15, 2018

THE BREAK WITH MICHELLE WOLF

"I would honestly love to hear [Kylie Jenner] tell her rags-to-riches story. 'Well, how do you become a self-made billionaire like me? Well, first your mom has to marry a rich lawyer, then you're gonna need a football player to murder his wife. Things will need to quiet down for a while, and in that time, your mom will get divorced and then get remarried to an Olympian. Then your half sister is gonna need to make a sex tape and pretty cleverly drag out that fame for years. She'll ask you to be on a family reality show. Say yes. If you're cute and tall enough, you'll become a model — but you're not her, you're the other one. So instead, change your whole body, put your name on some lipsticks, and boom, self-made!'"

THE BREAK WITH MICHELLE WOLF (Bonus Quote!)

"If there's one thing I've noticed from my experience being a woman who is alive, it's that men seem to like the young ones — and especially in movies, they like the too young ones. Movies like Lolita and... most of what Woody Allen made." 

THE JOEL MCHALE SHOW WITH JOEL MCHALE

"I want all the fanboys to know that I, Paul Feig, who rebooted Ghostbusters with all women, cancelled the long-awaited Community movie."

"You monster! That was going to be Donald Glover's big break!"

OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT

"Blame everything on Hillary Clinton."

"But she's on our team."

"Oh, pshaw! The other day I blamed the humidity on her. You figure it out."

Mitch McConnell tells Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer how to reinvigorate their base ahead of the midterms

SUITS

"And as Ned Stark would say, he who passes the sentence should swing the sword."

"You know I could never argue with Ned Stark."

Katrina (Amanda Schull) makes her case to Louis (Rick Hoffman) for why she should be the one to fire the least efficient associates

THE ORIGINALS

"I'm sorry, did I pick an inconvenient time to learn I live in a demon town?"

Declan (Torrance Coombs), dishing out that classic O'Connell family sass

UNREAL

"This is the most sexist, misogynistic bulls–t we have ever done... and I love it!"

Quinn (Constance Zimmer) is on board as Everlasting takes a decidedly dark turn

YOUNGER

"You're a busy man, so let's cut to the chase: It needs more energy, humor, scandal. We're competing with Russian hookers and golden showers!"

Zane (Charles Michael Davis) shares his blunt thoughts about the first chapter of Jake's memoir

SALVATION (Bonus Quote!)

"You remind me of my second ex-wife."

You see, Roland (Jonathan Silverman) and Grace (Jennifer Finnigan) are (happily) married in real life, so...

SALVATION

"Darius, you sarcastic prick."

"That's 'Vice President Prick' to you."

Darius (Santiago Cabrera) reminds Liam (Charlie Rowe) of his recent promotion

ANIMAL KINGDOM

"Do you think you could ever call me Dad?"

"No. Is that a joke?"

Billy (Denis Leary) and Deran (Jake Weary), doing the opposite of bonding

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"First Lady Melania Trump wore a yellow gown to attend a state dinner in England last week. Yellow gowns are of course the official uniform of women being held captive by beasts."

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY

"Use your core!"

"I don't have a core!"

Shannon is not really receptive to Kelly's obstacle-course pep talk

GIRLFRIENDS' GUIDE TO DIVORCE

"Tess is really rubbing off on me."

"She's rubbing something on you."

Jo (Alanna Ubach) teases Phoebe (Beau Garrett) about her girlfriend

SUCCESSION

"This is like the first stages of an orgy — kind of exciting but also super awkward."

Roman (Kieran Culkin), as his family gathers for the worst therapy session ever

TRIAL & ERROR: LADY, KILLER

"I've had more lasers pointed at my privates than James Bond."

Lavinia (Kristin Chenoweth), describing the rejuvenations that have given her the body of a debutante

CONAN

"I get it. Marvel's kicking DC's ass right now, OK? Who knew people liked superheroes having fun, instead of superheroes being sad and tortured and always soaked in the rain?"

Batman (Conan O'Brien) is sick of being heckled by characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe

KILLJOYS (Bonus Quote!)

"I thought you said, 'No breaking the law'...?"

"I said you shouldn't; you're no good at it. I'm bloody amazing."

Johnny (Aaron Ashmore) learns more of the ropes from Dutch

KILLJOYS

"Where did you learn that?"

"Princess Self-Defense Classes. It was a tough kingdom."

Dutch (Hannah John-Kamen) gives new cohort Johnny a taste of her mad skills