Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 29, 2015

"Your perfume is delightful."

"Thank you. I rubbed a magazine on myself this morning."

Paula (Donna Lynne Champlin) makes a good — if a little weird — first impression on Calvin Young (Cedric Yarbrough)

"Don't worry about Sharon, I'll take care of her. I've got everything she needs. Pillow... blanket... a copy of Breastfeeder Magazine. Which, now that I say it out loud, sounds like porn. [Peeks inside] Yep, it is."

With Terry's pregnant wife coming by, Jake (Andy Samberg) puts the "X" in "expecting."

"A doula is someone who supports you emotionally and physically and coaches you through the process."

"Oh, I see. So sort of like a vaginal Gandalf."

Jake (Andy Samberg) takes Sharon's (Merrin Dungey) pregnancy wisdom and just runs with it

"I'd put more up here, but I've only got 37 feet of screen!"

The titular doc gets heated as he reviews a startling list of sins for which a man known as the "Breast-Pump Bandit" (don't ask) has been forgiven by his ex-wife/current enabler

"They're all leased. Like Tyga."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) talks about his mansion and cars, while taking a dig at the status of Kylie Jenner's beau within the Kardashian empire

"If I may coin a phrase — it's basically Arm-ageddon out there."

[No reaction from team]

"Oh, come on, guys. That's basic. Arm-ageddon? Come on."

Brian (Jake McDorman) faces a tough room when reviewing a rash of rogue prosthetic arms

"I've lined your cage with newspapers in case you need to take a s—t. Please aim for the Daily Mail."

Only King Cyrus (Jake Maskall) could make kidnapping a public official so fun

"I don't do prisons — I'm definitely not doing a crack house!"

"Would you stop acting like Diahann Carroll, heffa? You ain't been livin' in the suburbs with that white man all your life!"

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) is not trying to hear Candace's (Vivica A. Fox) travel restrictions as they search for their missing, relapsed sister Carol

"If you ask my mother, she'll say, 'My daughter is Kelly from Live With Regis and Kathie Lee.'"

Kelly Ripa explains to Jimmy how her mom's viewing habits die hard

"You see, we can't leave, because we're the future. And you're the past. And the past can no more become the future than the future can become the past."

Mike Milligan (Bokeem Woodbine) deflects Lou's "advice" to get out of town with his special brand of wisdom

"I'd give you the sofa, see, except for my back."

"What's the matter with your back?"

"It hurts when I sleep on the floor."

Karl (Nick Offerman) works out the sleeping arrangements as he and Sonny (Dan Beirne) look after Betsy

"What's the difference between God and a doctor? God knows he's not a doctor."

Dr. Will Halstead (Nick Gehlfuss) gets an important lesson from one of his colleagues

"This computer system is nothing like my old hospital."

"Where you from?"

"Seattle Grace."

"Like... on TV?"

Jessica's (Krysten Ritter) fibbing powers could be a bit more super

"I like seeing a black choker at a music awards show that is not Chris Brown."

Margaret Cho takes a shot at the embattled R&B singer while weighing in on Gwen Stefani's baffling AMAs outfit

"It's like every gay bar I've ever been to — a little bit bottom-heavy."

Margaret Cho scandalously critiques Nicki Minaj's bootylicious AMAs gown