Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 7, 2014

DALLAS

"I was taking J.R. down to Mexico for his treatments, and of course, he was worried all his hair was going to fall out 'cause of the chemo. And he said to me, 'Bum, if I should lose these wondrous eyebrows of mine, please don't tell Sue Ellen. She and her tweezers have been circling around these furry devils for half a century, and she would just be devastated if she thought chemo got to them first.'"

Lovable Bum (Kevin Page), filling in Sue Ellen on J.R. and his eyebrows' last days

THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL

"He doesn't need somebody making moves on him so soon!"

"He's a guy! We don't ever not need that!"

Wyatt (Darin Brooks), responding to bride Hope's (Kim Matula) outrage over Ivy's pursuit of her ex-fiancé/half brother-in-law

U.S. OPEN MEN'S QUARTERFINALS COVERAGE

"He's shrinking. He's like 6'1" now. He started the match 6'3"."

John McEnroe, describing Andy Murray's physical demeanor during a fourth-set meltdown

LEGENDS

"The canisters Martin procured during the sting contained a mixture of dimethyl ether and polyvinyl acetate."

"Hairspray!"

Maggie (Tina Majorino), identifying the fake bio-weapon passed off to Martin — and you believe she knows of what she speaks!!

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!

"If she was here, she would want us to be here and be funny. She'd probably want me to say, like, 'Nice tie. Who made it, Calvin Clown?' 'I like that shirt. Does it come in men's?' 'Oh my God, Jimmy, I love your hair. You have to tell me where you bought it.' That's for you, Joan."

"You know, I bought it from your back."

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel, paying tribute to late colleague and friend Joan Rivers with a display of caustic humor

LIVE WITH KELLY & MICHAEL

"The majority of women in Britain think that a dinner with an abs-obsessed man would be dull."

"Oh I don't know about that. It's after dinner that you wanna think about."

Kelly Ripa, explaining to co-host Michael Strahan that a good date night doesn't end with what's on the plate, so to speak

RIZZOLI & ISLES

"What are your thoughts on Pretty Little Liars?"

"I don't think it's good to lie whether you're pretty or little."

"Do you know who, uh, Lady Antebellum is?"

"Is that a person?"

"How about Lady Gaga...?"

"I am more familiar with Lady and the Tramp."

Angela (Lorraine Bracco) preps Maura (Sasha Alexander) for meeting Jack's tweenage daughter

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

"This picture scares me on so many levels. I feel like I'm on vacation in Hawaii and
you're the person who's taking care of my kayak and that you're, like, going to try to, like, have group sex with us."

Judge Kelly Cutrone, taking a dubious view of frat-boy Adam's "sensuous" shot

LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN

"She sold 12 best-selling books... Hey, I haven't read 12 books."

The late-night host discussing the incredible career of late comedian Joan Rivers

MISTRESSES

"By 'laid back,' I think he meant lay back and let the servitude wash over you."

Joss (Jes Macallan), responding to sister Savi's (Alyssa Milano) observation that her engagement party proved considerably more swank than advertised

MISTRESSES (Bonus Quote!)

"He gave me a ride on his motorcycle and he started going really, really fast."

"Were you wearing a helmet?!?!"

"Yeah, I was wearing a helmet... What does that matter? Anyway, we were speeding and he was weaving, and I thought, 'Oh my God, this guy is trying to cheat death again. He is Jeff Bridges in Fearless and I'm..."

"You're Rosie O'Donnell."

"Rosie Perez! Can I...continue?"

Savi (Alyssa Milano), getting exasperated by interruptions from hot-mess Karen (Yunjin Kim) while recounting a near-death-ish experience

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

"I just want to say to these two kings that this queen is a huge fan."

Judge Adam Shankman, heaping praise on Ricky and Zack's "King of Diamonds vs King of Clubs" duet

FALLING SKIES

"Because it's so easy to trust you these days."

Hal (Drew Roy), when ex-girlfriend Maggie and his betraying bro Ben urge him to have faith in their rescue attempt

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"Happy birthday to Charlie Sheen, who turns 49 years old today. And to surprise him, his friends got him a cake without a stripper inside."