Quotes Of The Week For May 21, 2017

DR. PHIL

"Do you want a plunger so you can bring up some more old s—t?"

Ticked-off Mike, "plumbing" new depths with his mother during counseling

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"According to Politico, First Lady Melania Trump tracks the news of the day and alerts President Trump to stories she thinks make him look bad. She's currently up to January 23."

GREAT NEWS

"Holy Blindspot!"

Katie (Briga Heelan) is reminded of a certain NBC drama when she walks in on Carol preparing to cheat on her midterm

GREAT NEWS (Bonus Quote!)

"Listen, I don't know if it's on your list, but you must do the audio tour at Ripley's. It's narrated by Dean Cain — in person!"

Chuck (John Michael Higgins) tries to sell Greg's grandmother on a tourist attraction by touting its super celebrity narrator

THE BACHELORETTE

"I don't want to come across as the guy that talks about his penis. But how many women have told me about the amazingness of my penis?"

Blake E., definitely not coming across as the guy that talks about his penis

VEEP

"You look like the world's least f—ked geisha."

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) addresses Mike's sunscreen-heavy look in Qatar with her usual tact

DIRTY DANCING

"I carried his watermelon."

ABC's remake can't even avoid mangling a memorable four-word quote

PRISON BREAK

"You take care of her, all right?"

"I take care of him, you mean."

C-Note (Rockmond Dunbar) stands corrected on assigning Linc as Sheba's protector

GOTHAM

"Now we're both stuck in this unnaturally damp hellhole. I hope you're happy."

"Did the guards club you?"

"You know they did."

"Then I'm happy."

The Riddler (Cory Michael Smith) razzes Penguin (Robin Lord Taylor) for ruining their escape

LUCIFER

"Let's get this pajama party started."

Looking neither like a "tired blonde" nor wearing something "freshly plucked from the floor," Chloe (Lauren German) turns the Goddess of All Creation's head

ARROW

"Da plane, boss! Da plane! [Gets no reaction] Reference too dated?"

The girls make clear to Curtis (Echo Kellum) that the island of Lian Yu is no fantasy

THE FLASH

"What do you want me to alter it into? A hair dryer? A waffle maker? Oh, I know — maybe something that will fix that thin-crust pizza you call a face."

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) presses scarred Savitar for details on the modified Speed Force Bazooka

SILICON VALLEY

"The problem is the part after... when we do pillow talk."

"Well, that's the best part! Everything before that is just foreplay!"

Jared (Zach Woods) reveals his, um, unique sexual preferences to Dinesh (Kumail Nanjiani)

FARGO

"The shallow end of the pool is where the turds float."

V.M. Varga (David Thewlis) justifies his aggressive business-loan strategy with a motto fit for a motivational poster

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"We don't know no secret. You be crazy. I always talk like this... down in Kokomo."

Amy (Melissa Fumero) be straight up trippin'

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Bonus Quote!)

"You are glowing. Brother to sister, you have never looked sexier."

Charles (Joe Lo Truglio) says all the wrong things to newly pregnant sister Gina

CONAN

"President Trump was at the Vatican meeting with Pope Francis. That's right. The world leader who believes himself to be the embodiment of God on Earth said he's a big fan of the Pope."

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"Americans hidden in plain view working with Russia is not 'boring.' It's literally a f—king Emmy-nominated TV show."

Oliver uses critically acclaimed drama The Americans to make the case that the current Russia investigation is not, as Fox News' Jesse Watters put it, "boring"

THE RACHEL MADDOW SHOW

"You know what the problem is with the current news cycle? It's hard to tell if you're hallucinating or not."

Joy-Ann Reid sends Maddow into a giggle fit in her attempt to describe the flow of news these days

THE BACHELORETTE (Bonus Quote!)

"Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion that pinches your nipples and puts a whoopee cushion under you."

Blake E. also has some thoughts on Lucas, whose "whaboom" occupation somehow isn't the most puzzling thing about him

FAMILY GUY

"Looking after babies is a nightmare!"

"Oh, you have no idea. You know how many times I had you kids in the oven, just daring myself to turn it on?"

Chris (Seth Green) and Lois' (Alex Borstein) heartwarming chat about parenting suddenly takes a dark turn

BABY DADDY

"A mother-daughter talent show? OK, this is wrong on so many levels. How dare they make Emma feel bad for only having a father! That's my job!"

Ben (Jean-Luc Bilodeau) is rightfully outraged... for all the wrong reasons

12 MONKEYS

"It's OK, I have nine more."

Cassie (Amanda Schull), attempting to teach Cole how to waltz — and possibly losing a toe in the process

IZOMBIE

"Tupac's most definitely a zombie. Dude gets capped, but he's still releasing songs."

"You know who I bet's a zombie? Christina Ricci. She gives off a real zombie vibe."

Tanner (Nathan Barrett) and Don E. (Bryce Hodgson) share undead theories