Quotes Of The Week For July 24, 2016

"Don't listen to anything Brady says: He's like a blog that nobody reads — but in human form."

Patrick (Jonathan Groff) is not a fan of his ex Richie's new boyfriend Brady

"I love it when gays argue with other gays about being gays."

An intoxicated Doris (Lauren Weedman) finds the LOLs in Patrick and Brady's vicious argument about who's the better homosexual

"Last night my husband came home from L.A. ... We watched more of the convention, and then I went to bed and turned you on."

Kelly Ripa makes an unintentional innuendo when claiming to have watched guest co-host Keegan-Michael Key on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

"Look, I'm not supposed to be here, but let's be honest, neither is Donald Trump."

Colbert tries to make a case for himself after hijacking a podium at the Republican National Convention

"Hey, Toshiro, let me ask you something: Pre-plague, who were you? Before you became an asshole."

"Always asshole. I was a cook, I prepare fancy food for fancy Americans in a fancy hotel in Macau. Everybody love my cooking. They say to me, 'Toshiro, how you cook so well?' I laugh. I don't tell them the truth — I never wash my hands after I take a dump. True story."

Toshiro (Eidan Hanzel) overshares with Slattery (Adam Baldwin)

"This is an amazing opportunity for me to take you through Gay 101. ... Buckle up for an extremely detailed tour of LGBT history, from the ancient Greeks all the way to Scream Queens."

Joey (Mark Consuelos) offers to give Billy — who he thinks has just come out of the closet — a gay history lesson

"I look like Little Orphan 'Weird Al' Yankovic."

Julie (Julie Klausner) attempts to describe her perm

"You don't want to listen to reason, that's on you. But I'm not sticking around to be [killed] next. I'm going to stay with my buddy in Arizona."

"If they wanted us dead, we'd be dead already. Besides, if you're just going to end up in Arizona, being dead isn't much of a downgrade."

Mobley (Azhar Khan) can't stand the heat, so he's getting out to... Arizona?

"Here's a question: Does Kim Kardashian ever record anything where someone doesn't get screwed?"

Corden reacts to the Kardashian's recent Snapchat beef with Taylor Swift

"May I use your telephone? [Looks down after large explosion] And the toilet?"

Jennifer (Emily Hampshire) gets splintered to a battlefront in France 1917

"It smells worse than a porta-potty at the Jersey Shore after an all-you-can-eat wings competition."

Paulie, after getting a whiff of the "fragrant" RV during the Roadkill Competition

"That ticking clock wasn't for 60 Minutes, it was for civilization." 

Fallon weighs in on tick-tick-tick-tick ending of Donald Trump and Mike Pence's interview on the CBS newsmagazine

"Slovenia is not sending us its best people. They're sending their plagiarists, their models, and I assume some of them are good people."

Maher paraphrases Donald Trump's controversial statement on Mexico when discussing Melania Trump's plagiarized RNC speech 

"Any politician can talk to us about unemployment. He actually showed us Scott Baio!"

Maher takes a swipe at Trump's Night 1 speaker

"I honestly worry Trump thinks Baio and Sabato is Spanish for best and brightest. ... I thought Trump's whole point is that he's trying to deport people named Chachi."

Colin Jost tries to make sense of Trump's decision to have Baio and Antonio Sabato Jr. speak at the convention

"Did you see last night's Dancing With The Stars?"

"Uh no."

"Who knew Joe Biden could jitterbug!?"

Jim's agent (Ann Harada) talks about a season of DWTS we wish existed

"I've gotta go. We're developing Walking Dead on Ice. It's gonna be great!"

Talking Dead's Chris Hardwick cuts a conversation short to get back to work on a (probable) extension of AMC's zombie franchise

"I would like to point out that since [the associates] did leave, between you, me and Rachel Zane, this firm just got a whole lot blacker!"

Gretchen (Aloma Wright) points out to Jessica that adversity has created diversity

"Just wait until we tell Will that Jennifer Hayes was crying at his funeral."

Dustin (Gaten Matarazzo) finds the silver lining in their friend's mysterious "death"

"Accident or not, admit it. It was a little awesome."

"Awesome...??"

"Yeah — she threw you in the air with her mind."

"I. Could. Have. Been. Killed!"

Dustin (Gaten Matarazzo) and Lucas (Caleb McLaughin) disagree on what is "awesome"

"I have a science question...."

"It's 10 o'clock. On Saturday. Why don't we pick this up on—"

"Do you know anything about sensory deprivation tanks? Specifically, how to build one?"

"Sensory depriva...? What is this for?"

"Fun."

Dustin (Gaten Matarazzo) puts science teacher Mr. Clarke (Randall P. Havens) on the spot

"Lauren did not age well. I'm just sayin'."

Topanga (Danielle Fishel) is more than happy to assume her husband's other high school crush (who in BMW was played by Linda Cardellini) now looks like the elderly woman behind the counter at Mount Sun Lodge

"So are you, like, having sex all the time?"

To Jesus (Noah Centineo), Brandon living with his girlfriend can only mean one thing

"The guy's a knickerdropper.

John Booth (Ioan Gruffudd) on British former Everlasting suitor Adam (Freddie Stroma)

"You dug outta hell with your hands?"

"It's not that far."

Eugene (Ian Colletti), putting his accomplishment in perspective for Jesse (Dominic Cooper)

"Marilyn has to get some points! You guys are f—king her over! Geez! Give the woman a break! This is this woman's life!"

Who you gonna call when you have a goose egg on the board and need support? Leslie Jones!

"The review app Yelp has added a new 'Pokéstop Nearby' filter to help people choose restaurants where they can expect to find Pokémon. Said fans of the new feature, 'Table for one, please.'"

"It's being reported that Bill Cosby is now completely blind, so now neither of you will see what he puts in your drink."