Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 8, 2015

"Oh, all this endless 'thinking.' It's very overrated. I blame the war. Before 1914, nobody thought about anything at all."

The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), dropping yet another pearl of wisdom

"For your information, Mr. President, hanging up IS goodbye. It doesn't require a special word to explain it."

Bill (Don Diamont), defending his preferred method of ending a phone call to his son, the company president

"Is that why you clogged half the pepper holes [in the pepper shakers]?"

"Look at that guy, shaking away our profits like he's a pepper monster."

Jessica (Constance Wu) has an interesting method of tightening up expenses at th restaurant

"You can't have The Passions of Santos without Santos! Then it's just Passions, and that show failed!"

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) reacts to the news that his telenovela character is about to be killed off

"These [note cards] are the [babies] that I could save if I had time. You should just think of them as babies that will die if it turns out you're full of crap and can't take out my tumor."

Dr. Herman (Geena Davis) puts juuuuuust a bit of pressure on Amelia to pull off her daring surgery

"You gotta get back in the saddle, and she's got a nice saddle."

Callie (Sara Ramirez), encouraging Owen to say hello to the pretty tech rep they met earlier

"Today we celebrate 212 years of history in Maple — the biggest little manufacturing hub in upstate."

"Town could use a better tagline."

‎Root (Amy Acker) mocks the quaint burg where she and Reese are searching for Shaw

"Michelle, you were my best friend from childhood... until we lost touch 'cause you thought your college boyfriend was into me. He was! I never gave him the time of day. But now, we're rebuilding our friendship. Is this wedding going to be a test for you? Yes. But the doctors once told you you were never going to walk again, so... this should be easy, right?"

Donna (Retta) lays down the law for one of her bridesmaids

"You love this house more than you love me."

[Silence]

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a question?"

Lyndsey (Courtney Thorne-Smith) comes to a conclusion about Alan (Jon Cryer) the audience already knew

"Get out! You people always misbehave!"

"Take me to Philly! And what you mean by 'you people'? You black like me!"

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) is not trying to hear her swarthy cab driver's racism

"All right, look, girl — I don't judge. But you's a freak — and that's a good thing. We can sell that."

Where some managers might view a photo leak featuring girl-on-girl smooching as a major scandal, Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) views Tiana's (Serayah) latest tabloid headlines as an opportunity

"Which one of these hats do you like for 'Cuban Pete'? My gut says the pork pie hat, because the fedora's been tragically co-opted by the unshaven hipster crowd."

Marcus (Benjamin Stockham), weighing his wardrobe options as he prepares for a performance at his school's fundraiser

"Really, Nene? I need to send her a cease and desist on whoever makes her wigs."

Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kenya Moore throws shade over co-star Nene Leakes' lawyers sending her a "cease and desist" to prevent her from discussing Nene in public

"You should start with Brooklyn..."

"I'd rather see the Statue of Liberty."

"She'll still be there. But what she represents, the spirit of Lady Liberty, is found in its people."

"Wow — you sounded just like Captain America just now!"

"That's no bad thing."

Peggy's (Hayley Atwell) sightseeing advice for Dottie (Bridget Regan) is, well, super

"This is worse than an unapproved photo tag!"

Kara (Zoe Levin) flinches at a soul's-eye-view of her heart transplant surgerY

"In all your years on this planet, has anyone ever dumped you for working too hard?"

"No. No, it's mostly cause I'm too poor or too sticky."

Jess (Zooey Deschanel) helps a recently dumped Nick (Jake Johnson) look on the bright side

"How can you speak six languages and sound like a dick in every one of them?"

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) burns Hartley (Andy Mientus) for his Japanese condescension

"I read that more than 100 million people tuned into tonight's Super Bowl. In response, NBC will be re-airing the Super Bowl every Thursday night at 8 PM. Same game. We have a hit!"

Fallon jokes about a possible fix for NBC's Thursday night ratings challenges

"Did you just say you were excited?"

"Yeah! I'm excited!"

"Exactly how excited would you say you are?"

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared!"

Saved by the Bell alumni Mario Lopez, Elizabeth Berkley and Mark-Paul Gosselaar, poking fun at Berkley's now-infamous emotional meltdown in an old episode of the show

"It was a little weird at first. I mean, there's nothing to hold on to."

Carol (Kathleen Rose Perkins) describes her first sexual experience with a woman

"You look gorgeous. And kind of Republican, which is totally going to be a plus with my dad."

Toby (Lucas Grabeel) compliments his girlfriend Lily's (Rachel Shenton) outfit for dinner with the family

"Ken would have to give me a hall pass for George Clooney. It's George bloody Clooney, for God's sake! And he's got a sense of humor, which he would probably need when I took my clothes off."

Lisa Vanderpump on the one indiscretion her husband would have to forgive

"If I was gay, I would definitely be a top... right?"

Kyle Richards, delusional bottom

"Do we have any details about the cause of Aunt Edie's death?

"Just one. She was 96."

Brick (Atticus Shaffer) learns some tough medical truths from Mike (Neil Flynn)

"My voice is weird and I've got like nine zits and I have zero control over this. I mean, it's up, it's down, it's up for no reason!"

After being transported back to his teen body, Dean (Dylan Everett) can't get control of his private parts

"In the olden days, if a child went missing, the young died all the time. Now though, with all your Amber Alerts and your milk cartons, a person fillets one rugrat and people get so angry."

Katja the Witch (Leslie Nicol) explains the challenges of eating children in modern times

"Did you know there's a show where people go on dates naked?"

"Yeah. It's on after the one where they cook naked."

"I should have stayed dead."

Abbie (Nicole Beharie) discusses dismal TV trends with the recently resurrected Irving (Orlando Jones)

"You that 'red streak' Ive been hearing about on TV?"

"Wrong city."

Roy/Arsenal (Colton Haynes) helps one of Brick's goons get his superhero facts straight

"Great — we can add irony to the list of charges against Brick."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) learns that Brick's gang is holed up at the Glades' police precinct

"I don't want to be a woman that you love."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards), usually handy with the quippy zingers, socks us (and Oliver) in the gut with a sad one