Quotes Of The Week For April 29, 2018

NCIS: LOS ANGELES

"I'm really glad we ironed this out. Oh, wait — it's a 3-wood."

Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) literally clubs a bad guy

TIMELESS

"There's something very strange about both of you, where you're from."

"Well, we're..."

"Canadians?"

Grace Humiston, aka "Mrs. Sherlock Holmes" (Sarah Sokolovic), can't quite place what's off about time travelers Lucy and Wyatt

ELEMENTARY

"My personality hasn't changed, Watson."

Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller), when Joan hugs him after learning he has post-concussion syndrome

SUPERNATURAL

"I want what everyone wants. I want a personal apology from Pop. I want rerun-free, year-round episodes of Drag Race."

Lucifer (Mark Pellegrino) has some simple requests

MACGYVER

"If you left all those years ago to keep me safe, why did you steer me into a profession where I nearly get killed all the time?"

Mac (Lucas Till) stumps his dad with a pop quiz

BARRY

"Debra Messing says that you should only play parts that scare you."

Aspiring actress Sally (Sarah Goldberg) looks to an NBC star for career inspiration

THE HANDMAID'S TALE

"Blessed be the Froot Loops."

Moira's new roommate Erin (Erin Way) puts a sarcastic spin on the usual Gilead greeting

SILICON VALLEY

"Richard, you have an enormous heart. And I don't mean in the same way my deceased friend Gloria did. Which the doctors really should've caught, because her knuckles were gargantuan."

Jared (Zach Woods) attempts to comfort Richard — and as usual, it goes sideways

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"You are not worthy of holding the Odium!"

"Of course it would have a dumb name."

May (Ming-Na Wen) rolls her eyes at the Kree's crazy Kool-Aid

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (Bonus Quote!)

"Why gravitonium?"

"Because its power is unlimited. It can bend space, build empires and destroy them."

"Couldn't you just find a fun game on your phone instead?"

Coulson (Clark Gregg) thinks Qovas might get a kick out of Fortnite

ONCE UPON A TIME

"OK. It's OK. I once went to an ayahuasca ceremony in Iquitos. I can handle this."

We Googled whatever Robin (Tiera Skovbye) said, and Gothel's coven gathering might actually pale in comparison

GOTHAM

"Here lies Jerome Valeska. Second time is the charm!"

Sometimes a prop says it all!

LUCIFER

"Not peony. Penis!"

Ella (Aimee Garcia) has trouble ordering... something... for Chloe's bachelorette party

ARROW

"This looks bigger than the O.J. trial."

"How would you know? You were in, like, the fourth grade."

"Yeah, but I watched American Crime Story."

Curtis (Echo Kellum) takes stock of Oliver's trial attendees

BROCKMIRE (Bonus Quote!)

"I gotta cut back on the sugar. It's my one true vice."

A coked out, inebriated Jim (Hank Azaria) admits he has a problem... with sweets

BROCKMIRE

"We hit the bar hard when [I] got in last night."

"You got in three days ago."

"Time flies when you're on speed."

Uribe (Hemky Madera) has no chill

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Why don't we take this map and this sextant and chart a course to the restaurant?"

"Title of your sextant tape."

"Ah, did not work at all, but I love that you attempted it. Title of your sextant tape!"

Horndog Raymond (Andre Braugher) is no match for "title of your sex tape" master Jake (Andy Samberg)

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Bonus Quote!)

"You've made an enemy for life. And I'm telling Bruce Willis you suck!"

Die Hard superfan Jake gets on Reginald VelJohnson's bad side

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (Bonus Quote!)

"Pass."

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"A man in Kansas was arrested after he was caught having sex with the tailpipe of a car. The sex was described as 'exhausting.'"

ROSEANNE

"I didn't sleep a wink with all the noise in this house, and that lumpy old bed that you've got me sleeping on. But I grew up in the Depression, so I'm not a complainer. [long pause] Although, this is worse."

Bev (Estelle Parsons) wakes up on the wrong side of the allegedly lumpy bed