Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 15, 2015

"Oh, and Anika, this is an ass."

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) makes it known to Lucious' new fiancée that she may have won the battle, but she'll never win the war (of the booty)

"So Melrose Place is about prostitutes who are mad at each other?"

While trying to fit in with the neighbors, Jessica (Constance Wu) attempts to understand their favorite TV show

"Stop reading that book. Those stories always give you nightmares."

"You know what gives me nightmares? Our bank account. Stephen King should publish my checkbook!"

Louis (Randall Park) tries — and fails — to get Jessica (Constance Wu) to stop reading Stephen King's Cujo

"Kickstarter — it's what all the kids with dreams are doing!"

"Oh my god, are we finally making our movie about a young rent boy's sexual coming of age?"

"Yes, of course, and the hag who loved him!"

Doris (Lauren Weedman) cooks up a new fundraising idea to help Dom (Murray Bartlett) realize his goal of opening a chicken restaurant

"Ethnic people slap each other all the time. It's like half of reality television!"

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) defends her decision to slap Danny's insolent younger sister (also, Little Danny hit her first)

"Nice PJ situation. You look hot."

"I don't have the energy to tell you how deeply that disturbs me."

Tucking her into bed, Damon (Ian Somerhalder) gives Sheriff Forbes (Marguerite MacIntyre) one last laugh in her final hour

"You the new singer? Let me guess: Lucille Balls."

A drag queen "mistakes" Laura (Debra Messing) for a new act after the detective questions a witness during her performance

"We sleep better when Olivia's lying between us."

"I'm not sure how to respond to that."

"The truth shall set you free."

Savvy First Lady Mellie (Bellamy Young) can appreciate where exactly Olivia fits in her and Fitz's (Tony Goldwyn) White House life

"You guys are the ones who put freedom of the press in the Constitution."

"Well we did not predict the 24-hour news cycle!"

Abbie (Nicole Beharie) may have a point, but don't expect Ichabod (Tom Mison) to watch CNN

"Ok! The Chateau Marmot, Alan Thicke's birthday party. We went back to my place and I blew you in my hot tub."

"Jesus! I was at Alan Thicke's birthday party!?"

Matt LeBlanc can't remember hooking up with Morning (Mircea Monroe) or the party they attended

"Frankly, I don't go looking for guilty people to represent. I mean, who needs that aggravation?"

Jimmy McGill's (Bob Odenkirk) outlook in life sure sounds a lot different from his future identity as Breaking Bad's Saul Goodman

"When you see Rihanna trying to get you to drink coconut water, you know she's getting money to do that, and you take that into account. You think to yourself, I'm glad you're getting paid RiRi, but umm, I'm actually not going to drink that because you and I both know coconut water tastes like cereal milk mixed with bull semen."

Note to self: Never offer John Oliver a coconut water

"Doctors like to be called thought leaders the same way that Brendan Fraser likes being called two-time Academy Award winner Brendan Fraser. It's clearly not true but it's got a lovely ring to it and look how happy it makes him!"

Despite John Oliver poking fun at Mr. Fraser, we all know he was snubbed for George of the Jungle

"Santiago, Diaz, before you go, both of you requested this Saturday off but I need one of you to work."

"Oh, I can take that shift."

"Last time you worked Saturday, you watched cartoons the entire time."

"Well that's when they're on!"

Holt (Andre Braugher) and Skully (Joel McKinnon Miller) differ in their workmanship

"We need to go over the schedule leading up to the primary. Let's talk shop."

"Ooh, shop talk! One of my five favorite types of talk, along with pillow, girl, real and TED."

Leslie (Amy Poehler) is totally jazzed by the idea of talking logistics with Ben's campaign manager (Kathryn Hahn)

"I love the Burbank Film Festival. It happens every year, it's in a mall, the red carpet is really kind of... a bathmat."

Eileen Davidson, getting caught up in the glitz and the glamour of it all

"Do you think Tom Cruise auditioned for Mission Impossible and its sequels?"

"I'm not sure that's quite the same thing."

"That's right! I have 1.4 million more followers than he does."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) compares himself to Tom Cruise, which Xo (Andrea Navedo) doesn't even bother to argue

"Where are your shoes, Nick?"

"Honestly, I think I threw them at a squirrel."

Perhaps Jess (Zooey Deschanel) shouldn't have asked what a drunken Nick (Jake Johnson) did with footwear

"Chocolate and Italian wine always pair well together."

Mob boss Leo (Peter Onorati) makes a case for why recently widowed Annalise (Viola Davis) should consider dating him

"There's a rumor that NBC is gonna have Tom Brokaw fill in temporarily as NBC News anchor. When asked why Brokaw, a network spokesperson said because the only other NBC icon we have from the 80s is Bill Cosby."

Conan speaks out about NBC's Brian Williams replacement options

"Sue me, I save food! I'm a child of the Depression... that both my fathers went into after The Golden Girls went off the air."

Annie (Casey Wilson) attempts to justify the months-old leftovers she's been keeping in the fridge

"What if she's lying about the whole husband thing? You think that may be a possibility, don't you?! Do you have actual paperwork?"

Ashley I. poses a question to a producer during her confessional about whether Kelsey might have made up a story about being a widow — the better to court sympathy and buy extra time with Farmer Chris

"You are, like, the queen of not helping!"

​Spencer (Troian Bellisario) is finally calling Hanna like she sees her​

"I need you to get me a list of all the women Howard has 'entertained' in the last year."

"[Scoffs] I'm not sure there's enough ink in the whole of New York to complete that request."

"Fine, in just the last six months, then — it that possible?"

"Oh yes. I suggest we start with the Western hemisphere."

Peggy's (Hayley Atwell) manhunt for a Russian mole may tax Jarvis' (James D'Arcy) accounting skills

"I actually have a life and way better things to do than to Regina George you."

Ford (Dylan Gelula) denies that she created a mean Tumblr meme about Brenna (Haley Ramm)

"I was worried that you'd be angry."

"Only 'cause you broke my window.... Although I did kind of kick your ass."

"You didn't."

Oliver (Stephen Amell) and sis Thea (Willa Holland) have opposing takes on her skirmish with the Arrow

"This family makes me want to murder people."

As Klaus (Joseph Morgan) considers his relatives, he has never seemed more relatable

"You're going to need to think about a lot of dead puppies. Like, we're talking a whole kennel. And baseball. Cold showers.... And you know what? Nuns."

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) cautions Barry about going too fast during intimate time with Linda

"Everyone knew Billy. He was the president of Sigma Theta Delta."

"STD?"

As Dean (Jensen Ackles) learns, some frat names are better than others

"My people upstairs in the green room said you must be going through somethin', 'cause you made it cold as heck. They're walking around with parkas!"

"You'd better believe it. But wait a minute, honey. Your stage is cold, too. So you know! OK? It's life!"

Wendy and guest Vivica A. Fox keep it real while discussing menopause

"These were Jerry Tyson's toys... They're just so normal."

"What'd you expect? Dead animals, shrunken heads?"

Castle (Nathan Fillion) and Beckett (Stana Katic) sort through the keepsakes of a would-be serial killer

"Friends do not let other friends buy underwear in Forest Hills."

Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) shuts down Ray's (Alex Karpovsky) ritual of traveling to another borough to purchase cheap boxers and t-shirts