Quotes Of The Week For March 1, 2015

"Joe Biden, you only have one f***king job! As vice president, your mission is simple: you show up, you shake a couple of hands, you flash the pearlies, you go home in time for The Mindy Project. That's it!"

Stewart comments on our hands-on vice president 

"Oh, I get it. So Yoko Ono here wants to play on the song, too. Well, what can you do Yoko — can you play the tambourine?"

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) objects to her son's older lover Camilla (Naomi Campbell) expressing her opinion about his music career

"Everything you said is true? We're partners?"
"More than that. We're friends."
"A relief."

18th-century Ichabod (Tom Mison) is wary of his petite — yet lethal! — 21st-century partner Abbie (Nicole Beharie) after she drops a much larger man like ye olde bad habit

"‎Finch, how do you know so much about getting marijuana...?"

"Mr. Reese, do you want me to call this [prescription] in or not?"

Reese (Jim Caviezel) tries to get the dope on his colleague (Michael Emerson)

"I appreciate the finer things. I just don't want to know what's happened in and on the finer things."

Surveying her lush new digs, Peggy (Hayley Atwell) is mindful of owner Howard Stark's bad boy behavior

"Isn't this fun?!"

Dottie (Bridget Regan) thinks that whaling  on Peggy is the bee's knees

"Is that guard blind or what?"

"Clyde refused to wear his glasses. He said they made him look old."

"Missing a man standing 20 feet in front of you with six shots, makes you look old."

Bullock (Donal Logue) lays eyes on security cam footage of the Red Hood's heist

"You lookin' for a stud? I've already got the S-T-D, all I need is U. ... Wait, let me start again."

A game-less Ben (Jean-Luc Bilodeau) tries, and fails, to pick up a girl at the bar

"If this involves curating your naked selfies, I already told you I think it's weird if you show your naked butt \hole."

Doris (Lauren Weedman) takes a dubious stance when roommate/gay BFF Dom (Murray Bartlett) asks her to check something out on his computer

"It's pretty amazing, how much Malcolm has taught you in such a short time."

"Yeah. He's Father of the Year."

Laurel (Katie Cassidy) is probably — and very justifiably! — envious of Thea's (Willa Holland) fighting skills

"I have been eating for two my entire life, and now I actually have an excuse. I'm not gonna waste it on steel-cut oats."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) protests Danny (Chris Messina) and his insistence that she eat healthier now that she's carrying their child

"Haley pregnant, and me in a mohawk? This year's Christmas card is gonna rule!"

Luke (Nolan Gould) sees the bright side during mom Claire's very hairy day

"Why does Grayson have a picture of Pink on his bathroom mirror?"

"Cause he's trying to get her abs."

Ellie (Christa Miller) asks Jules (Courteney Cox) about Grayson's bathroom decoration

"The only time your grandfather got anything without working for it was on his birthday. And you know what he got? An egg. One egg."

"To eat or to play with?"

"Now you see his dilemma."

Louis (Randall Park) attempts to teach his son Eddie (Hudson Yang) a lesson about the value of hard work

"This tastes like... the inside of a bear, and that is a compliment, my friend."

Fawn (Zoe Lister Jones) loves Nick's bolognese sauce in her own special way

"Castle, we have a murder. To solve, not to commit."

Kate (Stana Katic) sees Rick seeing red, as Martha's lover parades around in her son's pajamas

"I was in a Chinook helicopter..."

John Travolta pokes a little fun at Brian Williams after Jimmy asks him to explain "the incident" (without specifically referencing Adele Dazim)

"I wish there was another word. 'Audition' makes it sound like we're some kind of a dance troupe. That's only on Friday nights."

Aaron (Ross Marquand), trying to make light of his request that zombie apocalypse survivors audition for membership in his community

"So we're clear, that wasn't a 'Let's attack that man' look, it was a 'He seems like an okay guy to me' look."

Michonne (Danai Gurira), after Rick violently "misinterprets" the look she gave him and coldcocks new arrival Aaron

"I'm Ferris Bueller! God, read a book!"

Barry (Troy Gentile) is met with a blank stare while channeling the iconic John Hughes film

"See, this is bad for us men in general. This is what gives us a bad name. [We take] 20, 30 minutes, and that includes a drink. This is three hours. This is terrible. We can't do this."

Danny's (Scott Caan) stake-out with Steve turns into a lesbian porn-athon

"You know, you assume criminals are going to be smarter than they are."

Jimmy McGill (Bob Odenkirk) just hasn't met the White, I mean right criminal