Quotes Of The Week For April 30, 2017

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

"If your baby is going to die and it doesn't have to, it shouldn't matter how much money you make. That's something, whether you're a Republican or a Democrat or something else, we all agree on that, right?"

After sharing the gut-wrenching story of his newborn son's heart surgery, Kimmel makes an emotional plea for bipartisan collaboration on health care

SCORPION

"And you're lucky I'm a kid. If I was bigger, I would fight you. You hurt my mother."

Ralph (Riley B. Smith), after Walter tries to justify dismissing Paige from Team Scorpion

JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE (Bonus Quote!)

"People ask me all the time, 'Is Arrested Development coming back?' And I'm like, 'Bateman, you're on the show, too. They're going to call you.'"

According to guest host Will Arnett, co-star Jason Bateman is just as eager as the fans for Arrested Development Season 5

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"Wow. I mean, no 'tremendouses'? No hand gestures? Not one description of chocolate cake? I didn't realize how much I'd missed hearing sentences with a beginning, middle and end. You can really tell when Hillary's speaking, she really knows who Frederick Douglass is."

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"President Trump had an official call with Vladimir Putin today, and I hear the call was tense. But let's face it: That's how performance reviews usually go."

PRISON BREAK

"You kick a lot of ass for a good Muslim."

"You can take the man out of the streets, but you can't take the streets out of the man."

Sheba (Inbar Lavi) watches C-Note (Rockmond Dunbar) give ISIL a beat-down

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Wake up! There is no back door. Just like she's not Moses about to take you to the Promised Land."

"That's it. What if I quake that thing?"

"And part the Red Sea."

"They did not just go and use the Bible against me."

Thou shalt not use Mack's (Henry Simmons) words against him!

EMPIRE

"Fake-ass Clair Huxtable."

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) shades Angelo's mom Diana (Cosby Show's Phylicia Rashad), temporarily shattering the proverbial fourth wall in the process

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Who am I going to save now? I've just been soundly defeated by Sniglar."

"Sniglar?"

"I didn't name it, IKEA did. And if those Swedes can best me..."

Zelena (Rebecca Mader) is having trouble assembling her magic-less future

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

"You, using jargon? The same girl who accidentally had her phone on airplane mode for half of ninth grade?"

Emily (Shay Mitchell) was just as surprised as we were to discover how much hacking knowledge Aria has picked up from Caleb

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS (Bonus Quote!)

"It's short. ... No, like, really short. Like, everyone's going to see your spicy tuna roll short."

Like any good boyfriend would, Caleb (Tyler Blackburn) advises Hanna against meeting her Japanese investors in a risqué kimono dress

GREAT NEWS

"You're using reverse psychology to try and get me to break up with him, just like on Days of Our Lives!"

"That's ridiculous! I haven't seen that show since Marlena became an intern at her daughter's job."

Suddenly, all of Katie (Briga Heelan) and Carol's (Andrea Martin) soapy antics make a lot more sense

IZOMBIE

"There's one silver lining to forgetting everything."

"What?"

"You'll knock me off my feet all over again."

Major (Robert Buckley), on the verge of memory loss, sweeps Liv (Rose McIver) off her feet

GOTHAM

"A secret organization that controls all of Gotham? If that's true, someone should tell them they're doing a pretty terrible job."

Bullock (Donal Logue) judges the Court of Owls (and quite accurately, at that)

SUPERNATURAL

"Their mom's on a hunting trip and hasn't been home in a week."

Sam (Jared Padalecki), echoing Dean's words from the pilot ("Dad's on a hunting trip, and he hasn't been home in a few days.")

THE MIDDLE

"I know [Dad] acts like a tough guy, but he's got the squishiest center. You didn't see him at Moana, I did!"

If Sue (Eden Sher) is to be believed, Mike is at his most vulnerable during Disney movies

THE FLASH

"You're basically telling me I'm Sarah Connor in Terminator."

"Well... more like Miles Dyson."

"But good effort, though."

Tracy Brand's (Anne Dudek) sci-fi reference almost passes muster with Cisco (Carlos Valdes) and H.R. (Tom Cavanagh)

THE PRESIDENT SHOW

"I just came from a rager in the Rose Garden and Paul Ryan did a keg stand. I told him, 'Be careful, Paul, you don't want to get hurt,' and then we laughed and laughed because this law won't apply to us."

"President Trump" (Anthony Atamanuik) reveals how he and Paul Ryan "celebrated" the Obamacare repeal

LUCIFER

"Candy, darling — I told you to wait in the car."

"But it's so stuffy in there!"

"It's a convertible."

Lucifer's (Tom Ellis) brand-new wife (Lindsey Gort) makes quite the first impression

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Oh, jeez. I have no idea what's going on."

"He got stopped for being black. Get woke, Scully!"

Hitchcock (Dirk Blocker) gets Scully (Joel McKinnon Miller) up to speed on what happened to Terry

SUPERSTORE

"What do we do if the tornado hits us?"

"Tell someone you trust."

"No, Cheyenne. That's only if the tornado is molesting you."

Amy (America Ferrera) and Cheyenne (Nichole Bloom) aren't sure how to handle a potential natural disaster

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"The White House celebrated Cinco de Mayo on Friday — by giving away hundreds of free trips to Mexico."

VEEP (Bonus Quote!)

"I mean, honestly, that is the most grotesque country I have ever been to... and I have been all over Florida!"

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) slams the country of Georgia — and throws the Sunshine State under the bus, while she's at it

BETTER CALL SAUL

"These are museum-quality. You, my friend, are the Ansel Adams of covert photography."

Jimmy (Bob Odenkirk) compliments Mike's eye as he looks through the photos he secretly snapped of Chuck's house

GREY'S ANATOMY

"I don't care if you have other plans. They're cancelled. I have plans of my own."

"So you paged me for a dinner date."

"I mean, sure, we can eat, too. My plans are more... naked."

Eliza (Marika Domińczyk), making it clear to Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) that the only dish she really wanted was dessert

VEEP

"I will destroy you in ways that are so creative that they will honor me for it at the Kennedy Center."

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) vows to obliterate Jonah