Quotes Of The Week For March 15, 2015

"Y'all know that's a tragedy where they end up dying at the end, right?"

Jamal (Jussie Smollett), isn't so sure about brother Hakeem's boast that he and girlfriend Camilla are "the new Anthony and Cleopatra"

"I feel like I get labeled a 'sex comic,' just 'cause I'm a woman. You know? I feel like a guy could get up here and pull his dick out, and people would be like, 'He's a thinker!'"

Inside Amy Schumer star Amy Schumer riffs on gender inequality in stand-up comedy during her set at the annual fundraiser for autism programs

"That's one of the things I love about her: She's not jaded. She sees the world with fresh eyes."

"Wait 'til you see those eyes when you drink the last Diet Snapple."

Gregory (David Krumholtz)'s head-over-heels view of Violet isn't necessarily shared by her grandmother Bonnie (Allison Janney)

"I thought [Shabbat] ended at midnight?"

"I'm a devout Jew. Not Cinderella."

Jessica (Constance Wu) gets a Judaism lesson from Eddie's new "friend" Phillip (Albert Tsai)

"Why do you want to be a letter that's only worth two points in Scrabble? Q is better!"

Jessica (Constance Wu) doesn't get why hip-hop loving Eddie (Hudson Yang) wants to be a G

"So, I'm here because you want me to assault a police officer."

"I am asking you to take a few ounces of lukewarm coffee and spill it on him. I doubt that satisfies the definition of assault. But hey, you're the lawyer."

Jimmy (Bob Odenkirk) refuses to spill the beans in the name of helping Mike (Jonathan Banks) pick a cop's pocket

"Who the hell are Ralph and Alice?"

"Edward Grayson's corgis."

"I'm sorry. What is that word?"

"You're getting his dogs. It says here they're being flown in from Scottsdale next week — first class."

"That's it? There has to be some mistake."

"Oh wait. That's right! You're also getting their Burberry dog beds."

Money-hungry Victoria (Madeleine Stowe) isn't pleased with the estate lawyer's (Phil Abrams) reading of Edward's will

"He didn't die in the crash but he did break his pelvic. And you know you need your pelvic — especially on a Saturday night!"

Wendy weighs in on Harrison Ford's plane crash

"I do not know this word. Yet, when you say it, I want to smile."

An amnesiac Lady Sif (Jaimie Alexander) after May asks if she remembers Thor

"He was so young."

"And so talented. Really funny."

"I know, and he had just lost all that weight."

"It's heartbreaking. So now we have to recast?"

"Ugh!"

"In the middle of pilot season! What a f—king nightmare!"

Carol (Kathleen Rose Perkins) and Helen (Andrea Savage) discuss an actor's untimely death

"I'm just gonna leave you with this. And percolate on it over the weekend like you're a little coffee machine: You're attracted to me. You're intrigued by me. You think I'm a wild horse and you want to tame me. I understand all of that. It's the new frontier of misogyny: Take a woman who's in control of her life and then silence her. And I'm up for it!"

Hannah (Lena Dunham) makes a decidedly un-feminist pitch for a second date with a very reluctant Fran (Jake Lacy)

"I gave up guessing why people do what they do a long time ago."

Boyd (Walton Goggins) shares a life lesson during a standoff with Ty Walker

"I'll take care of it."

"You? You got us into this! I'm not saying that critically, it's just factually true. [Beat] You're taking it critically, aren't you"

David (Joshua Malina) is mindful of Huck's feelings while accusing him of single-handedly endangering the Republic

"OK. I engaged in sex of the pre-marital persuasion, but it wasn't my fault. I was under a spell of this exotic sorceress. I mean, she wears all these bright colors, and she uses all this R-rated language, and the next thing you know, Father, we're going at it in bed. This accidentally happened a couple hundred times, and then the Lord finally punished us with the precious gift of life. But hey, you know, it proves I wasn't wearing protection, right, Father? Father?"

When Danny (Chris Messina) comes clean in confession, his elderly priest takes it rather hard — as in, he dies

"I know the church frowns on masturbation. But what is their policy on hot tub jets?" 

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) has probing questions for Danny's old pal/new priest Father Michael O'Donnell (Stephen Colbert)

"I think that's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life."

Random guest Moby, after taking part in the queens' leaf-blower challenge

"Are you excited to find out who the surprise cast member is?"

"'Surprise cast member' is code for 'Someone dies tonight.'"

Kevin Smith, cracking wise with Chris Hardwick before the Walking Dead chatfest

"It is moments like this that make me glad I'm on HBO, where you can hear me say this: F—k those f—king a—holes."

John Oliver, after reporting on a shockingly racist e-mail sent by a member of the Ferguson, Missouri police department

"He used the word 'plethora.' Just say 'too much.' Don't fancy pants me!"

Dani (Yvette Nicole Brown) isn't impressed by a suitor's verbiage

"That... was... incredible."

"Thank you! But, I can't take all the credit."

As an actor and as a lover, Rogelio (Jaime Camil) lives for the applause

"Don't worry, I'm very easy to dress. Everything looks good on me. Except peach. I don't pop in peach."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) gives his new costumer the rundown