Quotes Of The Week For April 16, 2017

SCORPION

"I kissed Paige on the rocket."

"You should have kissed her on the mouth."

Happy (Jadyn Wong) tries to dodge Walter's (Elyes Gabel) mounting epiphanies

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"I respect women. I'm a feminist. I believe women should be on all the money. I want to pay for a sandwich with a $10 Ellen DeGeneres."

Say no more, Sgt. Jeffords (Terry Crews) — we believe you!

FAMOUS IN LOVE

"I don't ever want to have to grab your balls again. It's beneath me."

Nina Devon (Perrey Reeves) gives new meaning to the term "ballbuster" — also, can we get some ice over here?

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS

"That was a calculated move with that bunny."

The way Eileen Davidson talks about this bunny — a gift from Lisa Rinna to Kim Richards, which was returned unopened in a dramatic fashion — you'd think the stuffed animal was about to join the cast

VEEP

"You call those people back and you tell them that I was the first female president of the United States, and I will not work for less than 87 cents on the dollar!"

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) takes a stand against wage inequality... sort of

THE MIDDLE

"Why do you care so much about something you ignore most of the time?"

"Well, by that theory, what are you still doing with Mom?"

Brick (Atticus Shaffer) goes for the jugular when Mike (Neil Flynn) questions why he wants him to keep the family pool

FARGO

"Ray. There's a man in my bathroom."

"Let... let's not jump to any conclusions."

"Are you saying he's not a man, or he's not in my bathroom?"

Nikki (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) urges Ray (Ewan McGregor) to come clean

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Grumpy! We need your help."

"Who are you calling 'grumpy'?"

"We don't have time for this. Round up the other dwarfs..."

"Now you're making this about my height?"

David (Josh Dallas) tests still-amnesic Leroy's (Lee Arenberg) short fuse

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"OK, I gotta ask — what is it about that guy? Every time I see Ward I get an itch, like hives."

Ohhhh, Framework Phil (Clark Gregg) — you're so close

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"Oh. I wish I was dead."

Colbert, immediately after tasting Starbucks' buzzy (but apparently disgusting) Unicorn Frappuccino

THE EXPANSE

"There's a maintenance crawl on the other side of that wall. It should lead us the way out."

"That is not going to work."

"Right. You'd never make that climb."

"Jesus Christ! Not because I'm old. He's been shot."

"Plus, she's really old."

Draper (Frankie Adams) and Cotyar (Nick Tarabay) assume that Avasarala (Shohreh Aghdashloo) has no spring in her step

BULL

"Shelly's creating an anger index. She's looking for amped-up jurors. We want the opposite, right? Low-key. No drama queens."

"Canadians. I know."

Bull (Michael Weatherly) wants Caffrey (Isaiah Washington) to pick a good jury, eh

PRISON BREAK

"Sheba, if you get me those plane tickets, I'll pay for every single one of these kids to get out of the country."

"Something tells me that's what you want to do anyhow."

"Careful. You're accusing me of having a heart."

Sheba (Inbar Lavi) suspects big ol' Lincoln (Dominic Purcell) is a big ol' softie

SURVIVOR

"I don't know who's with who, and it seems like we're all just a bunch of single people waiting to hook up right now! So if anyone wants to go on a date, I'm available!"

Sarah, putting an almost-romantic spin on the forming of alliances

TRAINING DAY

"Hey, guys, come on. Why get ourselves into some High Noon-type situation when we could just put down some cardboard and settle this with an old-fashioned breakdance competition."

[Getting no reaction]

"Dice? 'Yo mama' jokes?"

Frank (Bill Paxton) tries to disarm a gang shootout

THE LEFTOVERS

"I get it — if a guy says his girlfriend vanished into thin air, there's a good chance she's decomposing in his trunk."

DSD rep Nora (Carrie Coon) understands completely why Jarden's police groan upon hearing they need call her if anyone claims a missing person merely "departed"

THE LEFTOVERS (Bonus Quote!)

"I'm not f—ing Jesus."

"I'm not saying you are. But, uh, the beard looks good on you."

Matt (Christopher Eccleston) doesn't know when to leave well enough — or Kevin (Justin Theroux) — alone

FRESH OFF THE BOAT

"I nicknamed Evan 'The Little Kitchen' because he always sinks it."

Louis (Randall Park), discussing his son's golf skills

SUPERSTORE

"Relax, I'm not interested. Not enough body hair. He looks like a newborn mouse."

Dina (Lauren Ash) assures Cheyenne (Nichole Bloom) that she's not attracted to Bo

THE MAGICIANS (Bonus Quote!)

"We are officially a land of godless heathens, making today the first day of our societal adulthood. I, for one, am slightly terrified and equally excited, and trying not to break into Hamilton."

Eliot (Hale Appleman) marks Fillory's newfound freedom following Ember's death

THE MAGICIANS

"I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man."

"I was actually thinking more like a fembot Nick Fury."

Margo (Summer Bishil) and Eliot (Hale Appleman) discuss her new eyepatch

BETTER CALL SAUL

"You've got some real James Bond stuff in here. This car doesn't have an ejector seat, does it?"

Jimmy (Bob Odenkirk) gawks at Mike's high-tech surveillance equipment

FEUD: BETTE AND JOAN

"Joan? How did it feel to be the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"It was wonderful. The most joyous thing you could ever imagine. And it was never enough... Well, what about you? How did it feel to be the most talented girl in the world?"

"Great. And it was never enough."

Bette (Susan Sarandon) and Joan (Jessica Lange) share a look back at their greatest triumphs (and insecurities)

GIRLS

"Elijah's not here. Jessa sure as hell isn't here. Adam isn't here. Shoshanna literally despises all of us. Who's here? I'm here. I win. I'm your best friend. I'm the best at being your friend. I love you the most."

Marnie (Allison Williams) makes a strong — and terrifying — case for helping Hannah raise her baby

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"'He is generally inoffensive and not super attractive to anyone.' That makes him sound like the main character from How I Met Your Mother."

Oliver makes fun of the unexciting buzz surrounding French presidential candidate Emmanuel Macron — and Josh Radnor, while he's at it