Quotes Of The Week For Aug. 14, 2016

"I love Katy, Cory. She's first in my life. You're second, maybe even third. That's how much I love her."

"Slumber party over!"

Cory (Ben Savage) ends an impromptu slumber party after Shawn (Rider Strong) accidentally breaks his heart

"Who's that?"

"Mr. Feeny."

"Who's Mr. Feeny?"

"I think he's my grandfather."

Auggie (August Maturo) has trouble filling Ava (Ava Kolker) in on how Mr. Feeny is connected to the Matthews family

"You're my brother and I love you, but... maybe you should think about holstering that thing. Not a good track record."

Johnny (Aaron Ashmore) notes that D'Av's sex life is, literally, killer

"It is a good thing those anchors don't behave like that during the Macy's Day Parade! 'Uh, there goes Shrek, obviously jaundiced and beset by weight problems stemming from chronic diabetes. Here's Charlie Brown, clearly losing his fight with leukemia. And finally, there is Snoopy, who, of course, is going to be put down later today.'"

John Oliver roasts the Today anchors, after their commentary during the Olympic opening ceremonies veers toward depressing current events

"I've always been unlucky in love. So maybe after five husbands, what I need is a wife!"

Genevieve (Susan Lucci), as she's about to head out on a date with Lori

"Well, nice to meet you both! I do think black lives matter."

Upon meeting Rochelle and Gustav, Sen. Wheatus (Tony Shalhoub) makes awkward small talk

"Hey, do you guys want to get some dinner? I think Giuliana Rancic's new restaurant is nearby. They serve ice, water, steam and rain."

Billy (Billy Eichner) asks Julie and Arthur about possible dinner plans

"We're being harrassed by a woman in a turtleneck!"

Rich bitch Maddie (Virginia Madsen) takes a withering view of the TV reporter who's relentlessly covering her family's scandals

"Seriously, who you supposed to be, Michael Jackson or Mickey Mouse, with those gloves?"

Trevor (J.D. Williams), to eczema-riddled John

"I'm not gonna spend more time with the family or open a bar or move to Florida and get a commercial fishing license."

"So what's left? Golf."

Det. Box (Bill Camp) and D.A. Helen Weiss (Jeannie Berlin) show their workaholic tendencies as he nixes ideas for his post-retirement life

"Down on your knees — now!"

"Does that line ever really work for you?"

"Where is Oz?"

"Oz? Oh, the Munchkins out front didn't tell you?"

Mitch (Billy Burke) brought a smart mouth to a gun fight

"I promise, if you burn me? I will throw you to the wolves in here."

"And I promise, you throw me to the wolves in here? I'll come back leading the pack."

Jim (John Schneider), refusing to be intimidated by fellow jailbird War (John Chaffin)