Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 16, 2014

"Police in New Jersey are searching for an African Gray Parrot that was stolen from a local zoo. Of course, in New Jersey an African Gray Parrot is just a pigeon in a dashiki."

Michael Che gives us an important ornithology lesson on "Weekend Update"

"If there was singing — and that's a big if — if there was singing, it would be classic rock. Not this Andrew Floyd Webber crap!"

Dean (Jensen Ackles) is not happy to discover a high school musical based on the Winchesters' lives

"It's just subtext. But then again, you can't spell 'subtext' without S-E-X."

Writer/director Marie (Katie Sarife) explains the Supernatural musical's "Destiel," aka Dean/Castiel, story to a horrified Dean (Jensen Ackles)

"This is the worst thing you've ever done, and I'm including when you thought that cab driver was the guy from Captain Phillips!"

​"You didn't see him! He was very gaunt!"

Danny (Chris Messina) and Mindy (Mindy Kaling) have the best fights​

"Can you just have my agent call me — whatever his name is? You know what, why don't we wait five minutes, maybe you'll be my agent?"

Valerie (Lisa Kudrow), half-joking to her talent agency's receptionist and half-seething over discovering her agent's former assistant might now be representing her

"What emergency does she need these for? Breaking news at the Met Gala?"

Maggie (Allison Pill) questions the presence of a pair of Louboutins in a go bag belonging to Mac (Emily Mortimer)

"I also lied about T. Brooks Ellis liking my hair. I do not know T. Brooks Ellis. But I did read one of his books, and he seemed like the type of guy who wouldn't blink twice at a Tennessee top hat."

Eugene (Josh McDermitt), following up his admission that he isn't a scientist with a confession that the director of the Human Genome Project had never complimented him on his mullet

"Yeah, he's so hot — I mean, genetically speaking. Because I'm a geneticist, of course. Oh my God, do I sound like Felicity?"

A rambling Caitlin (Danielle Panabaker) worries that she resembles Queen of the Rambling Tangents/Word Slips, Arrow's Felicity Smoak (Emily Bett Rickards)

"You exhale so much snark on a daily basis, you might actually be what's killing the bees."

We're glad someone finally told Sadie like it is — but who would have expected it from Jake (Brett Davern)?

"What took you so long to answer your phone?"

"My fingers were covered in blood and my touchscreen wouldn't work."

Caroline (Candice Accola) probably wasn't expecting Enzo (Michael Malarkey) to have such a good excuse

"I like 'em young. If they can afford an Xbox, they can afford to take me to Panda Express."

Loni Love, responding to accusations that she's a "cougar"

"There's nothing in the world that a moist cake can't cure — except alcoholism."

Bryn (Allyn Rachel), explaining her plan to use baked goods to repair a fractured friendship

"I'm gonna make it up to you by writing a new one that says you reconstructed my oopsie and gave me one of your kidneys."

"Please don't do that. False reviews of any kind are a strict breach of..."

"Even if they come from the Urine-versity of Southern Bladder-fornia?"

Eliza (Karen Gillan), trying to make amends for writing negative reviews of Henry's pediatric urologist girlfriend Julia (Allison Miller)

"Tell me, Miss Mills, is there more television of reality than this one program?"

"As much as I would love to introduce you to the joys of housewives and duck dynasties, we have work to do."

Katrina (Katia Winter) is entranced by the modern TV landscape; Abbie (Nicole Beharie), less so

"Let me do my job, Alicia. I'm good at it. And if you really want to be a good person, I'll tell you where to send the check."

Eli (Alan Cumming) lashes out at Alicia when her unplanned visit to a soup kitchen results in a public-relations disaster

"I know one bellboy that was definitely working and [is] not on here — Disgusting Tom. Oh, my God. That's a clue, right?"

"Easy, Veronica Mars."

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) gets ahead of herself with detective beau Michael's (Brett Dier) list of potential suspects

​"So, who told you?"

"Your little sister... who's also my little sister... which makes things a little weird."

Things have not gotten any less complicated for Emily (Emily VanCamp) and Daniel (Josh Bowman)​ since their split

"Where was this place when I was cookin' meth?"

Recovering addict Bonnie (Allison Janney) waxes nostalgic when a realtor tells her the rental property they're considering has the added benefit of the nearest neighbor being a full mile away

"I'd give you the 'good cop' routine, but it's not in my tool kit."

Detective Harvey Bullock (Donal Logue) offers a suspect cold comfort after partner Jim Gordon gets in his face

"You think he's gonna write me as a hormonal head case?"

"Probably."

"Great."

A pregnant Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) realizes that the Rolling Stone reporter has overheard every moment of her tirade to Rayna (Connie Britton)

"Jess, guys hate complicated situations. We want the path of least resistance. There's a flap in our underwear because we're too lazy to pull our underpants down!"

Nick (Jake Johnson) explaining why Jess needs to take it easy with her new man

"Maybe infidelity is going to spank him on the ass."

Shaw (Sarah Shahi), ahem, checks out the rakish new POI, clearly wishing she were "infidelity"

"'French Mary Poppins Barbie' is the only me that's been any fun — though I'm not sure how the parents would feel if they knew how many people I've killed."

Root (Amy Acker) makes for one very naughty nanny

"How did you two manage to acquire a body...?"

"Corpse diem. Seize the dead."

Fitz (Iaian De Caestecker) and Mac explain to Skye that sometimes when you want something, you just have to go and "grab it like you own it"

"Why do you always have to touch everything?!"

"I thought you liked that about me!"

Beckett (Stana Katic) doesn't like Castle (Nathan Fillion) getting "handsy" with an alarmed artifact

"Lost my savings? How?!"

"You invested poorly — mostly blondes and race horses."

Martha (Susan Sullivan) brings Rick up to speed on his alternate, less-affluent reality