Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 9, 2014

"Alicia, you're not writing a poem, you're practicing politics!"

Eli (Alan Cumming), expressing his exasperation over Alicia (Julianna Margulies) describing as "un-subtle" his suggestions to woo a legal commentator's endorsement

"It's not my fault everyone always wants to do what I do. It's like when I got bangs, and then Michelle Obama got bangs. And when I said, 'Kids are so fat!' and then she jumped on the whole childhood obesity bandwagon. And then, when I started wearing lots of sleeveless stuff? Who suddenly had their arms showing all the time? The First Lady of Nonstop Riding My Jock!"

Eliza (Karen Gillan) refuses to take the blame when Henry (John Cho) complains that her desire to go swimming caused everyone else on their weekend getaway to abandon the idea of horseback riding

”'No campaigning at polling place.' That's absurd! General Washington gave each voter a pint of beer at the ballot box."

[Abbie sticks an "I voted" sticker on Ichabod's lapel]

"Feel better?"

"Yes, oddly."

Ichabod (Tom Mison) rails against contemporary voting rules... but is mollified by a gesture from his fellow Witness Abbie (Nicole Beharie)

"Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say. But before I do, I just want you to know that you don't have to say it back. I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates—"

"I love you, too."

Amy (Mayim Bialik), getting a surprising (and long overdue!) profession of love from Sheldon (Jim Parsons)

"I saw sort of Jennifer Lawrence on the runway, falling in that dress."

Judge Isaac Mizrahi praising Justin's unconventional materials outfit, which was made from zipties!

"It's bad enough I'm stuck with you and Captain Guyliner making eyes at each other."

In the course of "storming an evil ice cream truck," Regina (Lana Parrilla) shrugs off Emma's attempt to play peacemaker between her and Robin Hood

"You know that's not a real Daytona, right...? Damon, you think she gave you a $35,000 watch for a little tail? You look pretty stupid, but no one's that dumb."

Beth (Maggie Q) rubs it in with a suspect masseuse

"And who are you? Stripper-gram?"

The incarcerated, alt-reality Kamekona (Taylor Wily) makes the acquaintance of Lt. Commander Steve McGarrett, dapper in his dress whites

"You and I do the same job. I get everywhere on time."

"Yeah, 'cause you're a guy. I can't just deliver a baby, throw some talc on my private parts and be somewhere three minutes later. I've gotta shower, my friend. I've gotta shave this hot body from ankles to eyebrows. Also, I've got to highlight and contour everything, just so you'll have sex with me. I'm basically CGI."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) explains her chronic lateness to boyfriend/co-worker Danny (Chris Messina)

"You should give romance novels a try. It's basically pornography you're allowed to read on the subway."

Gabaldonian author Abby (Allison Tolman), after date Peter lies that he's an avid reader

"There's a physician... who's celebrated for his knowledge of women's problems."

"I assume you mean fertility because other than that, no man has an inkling about women's problems."

Catherine (Megan Follows) telling Mary (Adelaide Kane) how it is

"I'm Noah... the Lollipop Guild."

Noah (Tyler James Williams), not only introducing himself to Beth but revealing that he's the friend on the inside who snuck a sucker into the pocket of her scrubs

"Your eye contact was so poignant." 

"I just put all my ex-boyfriends in the audience."

"Oh, I do that all the time!"

Taylor Swift, poking some fun at herself while she mentors Team Blake's Taylor Brashears

"I didn't know Ralph had a father."

"How exactly do you think babies are made?"

Sylvester (Ari Stidham) and Happy (Jadyn Wong), debating how exactly Paige's son came to be

"You forgot his name and he's still into you? What do you have — some sort of voodoo penis?"

Asher (Matt McGorry), shocked and impressed by Connor's (Jack Falahee) sexual prowess

"Susan, this isn't a campaign rally for the next United States senator from Virginia. This isn't even a campaign rally for a middle-school student council treasurer. What this is is sad."

Olivia (Kerry Washington) swings into action, offering a mild-mannered candidate her super-Poping skills

"It's a home visit, Jess, and not just from any cop — it's from Sergeant Tess Dorado, 'the Fish!' I'm pretty sure they call her 'the Fish' because she's tough, but fair, just like most fish I've interacted with."

Winston (Lamorne Morris) apparently knows very little about fish

"Lying makes me sweat! I can't lie, that's why I don't play poker or talk to pregnant ladies."

Nick (Jake Johnson) is probably the last person you'd want to help you hide a bag of meth, just sayin'

"Who sabotaged our enemies in 'Nam? SEALs. Who was the first into Baghdad? SEALs. Who killed Osama bin Laden?...."

"Otters?"

Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) mocks the monologue of a SEAL-loving whack job (Casey Sander)

"Hacking is like sex. You've got to know all the aspects of the server. Her secrets, her fears...."

"If you believe that hacking is like sex, Mr. Beale, then we need to have a very long talk."

Hetty (Linda Hunt) takes issue with Eric's (Barrett Foa) analogy

"I've never seen this side of Gil before. He's so... "

"Coherent?"

"Awake?"

"In charge. Like Charles. The guy who runs my booty boot camp."

Dennah (Sarah Wright), shocking Annie (Casey Wilson) and Kay (Tymberlee Hill) with her sudden interest in schlubby survivalist Gil

"It's four feet, Baywatch!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know if you could swim."

"You know I can stand, right?"

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) falls into the hotel pool's shallow end and Rafael (Justin Baldoni) comes to her "rescue"

"If you were a regular person, I'd tell you to go bang him with gusto."

Xiomara (Andrea Navedo), tries to advise virgin daughter Jane on how to make her fiancé forget her sex dream about another man

"Think you could work a Hefty bag in the service of our country so this whole operation doesn't go bust?"

Carrie (Claire Danes) ordering her increasingly recalcitrant colleague Fara (Nazanin Boniadi) to clean up the safehouse

"We're going to make the papers, all right — we're going to be dead in the streets in time for the evening edition!"

"At least the people will know the truth, and we'll go out doing our jobs, enforcing the law."

"That's the best inspirational speech you've got? 'Doing our job'?"

Bullock (Donal Logue) decides to ally with Gordon (Ben McKenzie), even though his "douche bag" partner's plan sounds like a kamikaze mission

"The girls' bathroom is nice! Each stall has a tiny metal mailbox. I'm glad I was carrying around that postcard for Ken."

Gene (voiced by Eugene Mirman), not quite understanding the finer details of a ladies' restroom

"I'm sorry that I don't dress like a porn star — which I realize is a compliment to you!"

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) lists her many shortcomings, at least as perceived by her flashy mother

"I would rather be boiled in oil than be on television."

Elsa (Jessica Lange), reacting with typical restraint to Stanley's offer to make her a big star on the small screen