Grammys 2016: Best/Worst Moments

BIGGEST VOCABULARY FAIL

"You're doing 'Hello'? Is it a montage or just 'Hello'?"

"It's a melody."

Dear Ryan Seacrest and Demi Lovato, the word you are looking for to describe the Lionel Richie tribute is 'medley'

MOST DESPERATE PLEA FOR A CUTAWAY

The following screengrab of Shad Moss — taken with a minute and 27 seconds 'til the start of the Grammys telecast — shows the CSI: Cyber star smiling blankly, pretty sure CBS producers are just seconds away from cutting to one of his red-carpet co-hosts. Oh, but think again, Artist Formerly Known as Bow Wow — you've got 87 seconds to awkwardly fill, asking audience members to dance, bopping along with a New Orleans-style jazz band and wondering "Am I getting paid enough for this?"

MOST LINGERING PERFORMANCE

Almost 20 minutes into the telecast, hip-hop star Common was among the many audience members with shiny blue mylar from Taylor Swift's super-glittery "Out of the Woods" performance still stuck to his noggin.

BIGGEST MISMATCH

Carrie Underwood may not have been at 100 percent vocally, but her pitch and power still made duet partner Sam Hunt sound like a rejected Idol auditioner by comparison. (And as my Twitter follower @MetEvaine pointed out, their wardrobe imbalance made the pair look like they were trying "to recreate Blanche and Stanley from A Streetcar Named Desire.")

WORST SHOEHORNING

What do Andra Day's "Rise Up" and Ellie Goulding's "Love Me Like You Do" have to do with each other? Abso-freakin-lutely nothing — well, except that their titles contain the letters 'i,' 'e,' and 'u.' That, however, didn't stop Grammy's powers-that-be from awkwardly fusing these talented ladies' recent hits into a mashup that said, "Eh, we didn't really have time to give either one of 'em a solo slot."

WINNER OF THE LIONEL RICHIE MEDLEY COMPETITION

Wait, we're not supposed to declare a Gold, Silver and Bronze in this six-person race? Too bad! John Legend's effortlessly breezy "Easy" proved the most facile of victors, with Richie himself claiming runner-up honors with his "All Night Long," and Tyrese Gibson's "Brick House" edging Demi Lovato's "Hello" for third. (Sorry Meghan Trainor and Luke Bryan, but you'll receive complimentary boxes of Rice-a-Roni for your participation.)

VACUUM-SEAL AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING FRESHNESS

We've heard Little Big Town's "Girl Crush" a gajillion times, and yet somehow Karen Fairchild's achingly gorgeous vocal tonight got to us like we were hearing it for the first time all over again.

COOLEST OLD-SCHOOL/NEW-SCHOOL COMBO

Stevie Wonder and Pentatonix's a cappella "That's the Way of the World" — a vocally electric tribute to recently deceased Earth Wind and Fire founder Maurice White — was enough to make us think about starting a Change.org petition demanding these cats start touring together.

COOLEST OLD-SCHOOL/OLD-SCHOOL COMBO

As The Eagles reunited to pay a moving tribute to late founding member Glenn Frey, rock legend Jackson Browne ably stepped in to perform lead vocals on "Take It Easy" — a hit to which pretty much everyone knows the lyrics (even if they didn't know Browne co-wrote it with Frey).

QUIET IS THE NEW NOISY

Accompanied by only the sound of their own guitars, Best New Artist nominees James Bay and Tori Kelly delivered a breathtakingly intimate mashup of their hits "Let It Go" and "Hollow" that, to my ears, was the finest vocal of the telecast.

BEST/WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO BROADWAY

Oh, geez. After a breathtaking performance by the cast of Hamilton, there's no way any of us are getting tickets 'til the youngest cast member of Broadway neighbor Matilda is old enough to vote.

MOST UNDENIABLY AMBITIOUS

Kendrick Lamar's high-octane one-two punch of "The Blacker the Berry" and "Alright" started in prison chain-gang formation, included an intense African-dance interlude, and never once found the acclaimed rapper's flow or energy flagging. No one blazed hotter on the Grammys stage this year — and not just because of the massive bonfire that raged behind him.

WORST TECHNICAL GLITCHES

Not only did the sound drop out for a few seconds during Adele's "All I Ask," but the harsh backlighting chosen by the show's director occasionally reduced her to an indistinguishable yellow orb. (We'd mention some uncharacteristically wonky notes in the final third of the heart-wrenching ballad, but why kick a diva when she's down?)

MOST ANNOYING

Bad enough that Justin Bieber dressed in a leopard blouse from the Teresa Giudice Collection, offered up barely passable vocals and danced about as smoothly as Elaine Benes at a wedding, but his embarrassing guitar-smash fail at the end of an acoustic "Love Yourself" made us wonder if Rihanna singing with full-blown bronchitis might've still been more enjoyable.

MOST MIXED BAG

We appreciated Lady Gaga's high energy and outré commitment during her tribute to the late David Bowie, but with close to a dozen individual songs crammed into her medley — and Bowie's own vocals occasionally creeping into the sound mix behind her – there were moments we wished she'd washed away the drag and let us appreciate the beauty of just one or two carefully selected hits.

BEST DELAYED GRATIFICATION

Chris Stapleton and Gary Clark Jr. sounded great during their B.B. King tribute, but if we're being completely honest, we were holding our breath for a really long time until — finally — Bonnie Raitt joined 'em and crushed it like an anvil dropping onto a carton of cage-free eggs.

BEST BATTLE CRY

Just in case you were starting to get a case of the mean drowsies as the Grammys telecast approached the three-hour mark, Alabama Shakes lead singer Brittany Howard let out a ferocious whoop to kick off the band's terrific rendition of "Don't Wanna Fight" — and helped ensure even those of us with visions of alarm clocks dancing in our heads returned to rapt attention.

A PICTURE IS WORTH 1,000 WORDS

Alice Cooper's facial expression accurately expresses our feelings about Johnny Depp's vocal during the Hollywood Vampires' tribute to Motörhead frontman Lemmy.

SHARPEST SIDE-EYE

Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Album of the Year takes on added meaning considering her media rival Kanye West's brand-new album contains the lyric ""I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / Why? I made that b—- famous." Any response, Ms. Swift? "As the first woman to win Album of the Year at the Grammys twice, I want to say to all the young women out there: There are going to be people along the way who will try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame. But if you just focus on the work and you don't let those people sidetrack you, someday when you get where you're going, you'll look around and you'll know that it was you and the people who love you that put you there, and that will be the greatest feeling in the world."

DUMBEST ENDING

I'm not sure what possessed Grammy producers to end the show with Pitbull — Pitbull? — but when Sofia Vergara emerged dressed as a sexy taxi during "Taxi," and then Mr. Worldwide declared "history in the making!" seconds before introducing Robin Thicke, we knew it was time to shut off our TVs and call it a night.