Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 10, 2016

"Just because it's a routine procedure doesn't mean it's not scary. She needs anesthesia and everything."

"Oh, I dated a girl named Anesthesia once. She was in love with me, but I felt nothing."

Jimmy (John Stamos) is far too proud of his corny medical joke

"It's not like nobody here hasn't already seen my boobs."

Fifty Shades of Grey star and Favorite Dramatic Movie Actress winner Dakota Johnson, holding her dress together, jokes about presenter Leslie Mann nearly causing her to have a wardrobe malfunction on stage

"You're an elf?"

"Half-elf. And, yes, they're small, so spare me the ear jokes."

Apparently size does matter in the elf world, as evidenced by Amberle (Poppy Drayton) and Wil's (Austin Butler) awkward first encounter

"This year, I have resolved to be more social."

That's great! I'm proud of you."

"And research uncovered an Armenian family that is incredibly effective at social media. Very popular online, though they do show their... buttocks quite often."

Paige (Katharine McPhee) can't help but be amused at Walter's (Elyes Gabel) discovery of the Kardashians

"Or maybe your hearts were just perfectly beating together? That's love, kiddo."

Cabe (Robert Patrick) offers an uncharacteristically romantic spin on snowbound Toby and Happy's "one" detected heartbeat

"Sweet Volt. Evan's idea? You know what they say about a guy with a small carbon footprint.... Small penis."

Amy (Jane Lynch) sizes up Allison's slacker (lacker?) beau

"It's going to be extremely hard for me to leave my chickens. I haven't been away from them for more than 10 days, ever. I've had to think long and hard about this: What comes first... the chicken or the Ben?"

Self-described "chicken enthusiast" Tiara on flying the coop

"Congratulations. You killed the wrong maid, bitch."

In addition to being the King of England, Cyrus (Jake Maskall) is also the king of killer reveals

"Kara, there are many topics I find appropriate for humor. English cuisine, black lipstick. But I will never make a joke about a good story."

Cat (Calista Flockhart) finds nothing funny about Kara's (seemingly) secret identity

"Have you been there all night?"

"You never handed me the f—king amulet."

Chef (Darren Evans) not only waited out Isabella's musical number, but her nap afterwards

"He's the new king. He makes you look like an ass-, ass-, ass-, ass-, ass-, ass-, ass-, ass-, ass-, astronomical leader by comparison."

Via a glitchy "cell phone" reception, Chef (Darren Evans) updates deposed King Richard on Gareth's new Valencia gig

"Seriously, 'off the grid' means Starbucks ran out of pumpkin spice."

Harry Connick, Jr. is bewildered by contestant Jeneve Rose Mitchell's story of living on a remote farm with only a generator for occasional electricity

"Oh, come on. With these baby blues? Only one actor could've played me: Paul Newman."

"Riiiight. Dead ringers."

Henry (Len Cariou) tells Frank he was not a fan of Robert Conrad playing him in a book-to-movie adaptation

"Let me tell you something. I have been making a dollar out of 15 cents all my life. I know how to survive!"

Hanna (Crystal R. Fox), insisting to son Benny that she will figure out a way to afford the hotel at which she's staying

"Here are the facts: I have a comfortable lap, I can get a burp outta anybody and I already lactate as a side effect from some fungal medication I'm taking."

Dina (Lauren Ash), explaining why she'd be the perfect adoptive mother for Cheyenne's baby

"I used to work part-time at Chipotle. Same principle as a burrito, different wrapper and different fillings."

Dina (Lauren Ash) shuts down Glenn's suspicions that she doesn't know how to swaddle a baby

"I've been single ever since I joined the bureau. Do you think I haven't slept with anyone here? We're busy! How else are we supposed to meet people?"

Naz (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) bonds with Rebecca over workplace "romance"

"Mosquitoes. Louisiana's state bird."

LaSalle (Lucas Black) knows a local bug's bite when he sees one