Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 14, 2016

"I like this side of you. You're like a badass chick on Criminal Minds or something."

Jimmy (John Stamos) is impressed with how Sara (Criminal Minds alum Paget Brewster) can suss out a preschool bully

"Book me interviews with Barbara at NASA, Eduardo at the NSA and Gina at the White House, and I want attributable quotes, no press releases. And if they try to evade you, you remind them that I am still holding on to their Hamilton tickets."

We're not the least bit surprised that Cat (Calista Flockhart) already has tickets to the hottest show on Broadway

"Jim Brown cared about black people. He was an activist, he spoke up. Once O.J. made his money, he split and never came back. He became white."

"Well, he's got the cops chasing him — he's black now!"

Christopher Darden (Sterling K. Brown) argues the case against on-the-run O.J. to his neighbors

"Red Lobster is reporting that its sales are up 33 percent from this time last year following their mention in Beyoncé's new single 'Formation.' 'Yeah, it's been really busy in here lately,' said Kelly and Michelle."

"Are you sure he knows what he's doing?"

"Absolutely! He's first in his class."

"Where? Elementary school?"

"Actually, Cal Tech... and elementary school."

Sylvester (Ari Stidham) vouches for wee Ralph's live-saving smarts

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Well, I don't know. Do you think it's dope?"

"...You don't have to call me stupid. I just thought it was marijuana."

And just think: This is what a conversation between Danny (Derek Theler) and Bonnie (Melissa Peterman) sounded like before they got high

"I don't know what's worse — the fact that you're part of Zoom's gang, or that weird samurai situation you've got going on the top of your head there."

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) questions his Earth-Two doppelganger's moral — and style — choices

"You are who you are — a sack of dark, oozing s—t in an expensive suit."

"Jessica..."

"Which makes you the best shark in town."

Jessica (Krysten Ritter) may not have the most orthodox method for giving a pep talk, but it works when she's talking to Jeri (Carrie-Anne Moss)

"I'm just different. I like reading books in my room and thinking. That's what I do. I want to talk... smart... things."

Olivia tries — and only sort of succeeds — to convince Ben that she's more intellectual than the rest of the contestants

"Aww, he swiped right. I'm sure your Tinder photo is hair-centric, flattering, but how do you spin that bio? 'I'm a humble guy always down for a hike. Or we could just murder and chill'?"

Liv (Rose McIver) ribs baddie Blaine after he expresses interest in Peyton

"The One Million Angry Parents Association is outside protesting right now!"

"One million...? I only see three of them, Sam."

"They like to round up."

Kermit protests the alleged size of the protest outside

"When he refused to read The Notebook, I played the movie while he slept so he would subliminally absorb it."

Caroline (Kate Lambert) has, uh, creative ways of getting what she wants in a relationship

"Like a magic STD. It kind of makes you nostalgic for good, old-fashioned herpes."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) figures out the Kiss of Death curse they're dealing with is transmittable

"I guess I'll bone up on the ballet. Gideon, bone me."

Snart (Wentworth Miller) needs something from the Waverider's A.I.

"Hey, they could replace me with a computer tomorrow!"

Vanna White gets philosophical when Wendy probes her about younger women angling for her Wheel of Fortune letter-turning gig

"You couldn't think of a better name?"

"Right? I know, it was the only name I could come up with. But still, she's a model. A really, really hot model."

"Damn straight she is."

Beckett (Stana Katic) says nyet to the "Svetlana" alias Castle (Nathan Fillion) gave her

"I think I have a UTI!"

Paula (Donna Lynne Champlin) is thrilled about rekindling the spark with her husband, medical inconveniences and all

"'Roses are red,
They go in a bucket.
Jake is a jerk,
He can go suck it.'
That's sweet...."

Recently divorced Bishop (Emily Wickersham) appreciates Abby's tailor-made Valentine's Day sentiment

"If Byron and Ella do get married, doesn't that mean she won't have to testify against him?"

"Did I miss the memo that says we call people's parents by their first names now?"

This exchange between Hanna (Ashley Benson) and Emily (Shay Mitchell) proves that the Liars might not be as grown up as they think

"When I was about 12 years old, I saw two sea lions mate at the Turtle Back Zoo in West Orange... and I'm pretty sure there was more romance in that encounter than in any date you've had in your entire life."

Danny (Scott Caan) questions how smooth Steve's moves are

"Do you ever drink to get drunk?"

"Why, how do you do it?"

Pritchard's hallucinated older self (Philip Baker Hall) sasses a hospital shrink