Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 31, 2016

"I'm ghosting her, see?"

"What is that?"

"Oh, it's this cool new thing where you ignore someone who likes you until they go away."

"Oooh, ghosting, huh? So I guess I've been ghosting the gym for the past few years."

Upon learning a new-fangled term from Jimmy (John Stamos), Sara (Paget Brewster) realizes she's actually quite familiar with it

"He was stealing the other residents' Viagra."

"I know. A real dick move, huh?"

Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean (Jensen Ackles) learn something was "up" at the old age home

"Let me tell you something. That boy will always get a benefit of the doubt that you won't."

"It's not like that."

"Yeah? Young black men and the law — that's all been worked out?"

Terri LaCroix (Regina King) won't let son Kevin (Trevor Jackson) be naive about society's racial injustices

"In another life, you could have been an electrical engineer."

"Guess I dodged a bullet."

Snart (Wentworth Miller) is A-OK with the life of crime he chose

"Someone asked Hillary [Clinton] who her favorite president was, and she said, with apologies to Obama and her husband Bill, her favorite is Abraham Lincoln. And then Bernie Sanders said, 'Senator, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. And you, ma'am, are no Abraham Lincoln.'"

"They plan to invade us on Sunday, Jan. 31, at 8 pm Eastern — set your DVR."

Isabella (Karen David) is obviously wary that watching Grease: Live might take priority over rebuffing Valencia's attack

"I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, over a dead body, asking him to like her."

Roberta (Clare Foster) won't let lifeless Galavant sour the mood of her Notting Hill-inspired declaration to Richard

"You see an opportunity like that again, you grab it like it's a horse c—k, and you're Catherine the Great."

Wags (David Costabile) may be crass when he's whipping Axe Capital's traders into shape, but dude knows his historical trivia

"I never had to fire anyone before. I've been practicing on myself. I fired myself five times last night — I can't do this!"

"OK, well, don't worry. I won't put you through that. I can sell one membership — that's easy."

"Really, thank you so much, Martha."

"Um, if I can't sell a membership, would it be easier for you if I just went missing?"

Kevin (Brendan Jennings) need not worry about firing milquetoast Martha (Martha Kelly) if she can't sell a Costco executive membership — since clearly she'll do whatever it takes to spare him from discomfort

"Ben better not get any ideas. If she hasn't lost it in 26 years, I doubt it's going to happen in six hours. Just saying."

Jubilee, as virginal Becca prepares for her one-on-one date with Ben

"You have a husband or boyfriend?"

"She has both."

After a receptionist asks Fiona if she has someone to take her home following a medical procedure, Frank (William H. Macy) cuts in with the ironic truth

"It's like an all-star game for morally corrupt young sexies!"

Miss Snap (Katy Colloton) explains why she's so eager to be on The Bachelor

"OverWatch, we're on site."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I thought it was time you got a code name."

"It's perfect!"

"I was going to go with Oracle, but it"s taken."

Oliver (Stephen Amell) surprises Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) with a belated engagement gift

"I think I saw inside of her."

White Josh (David Hull) gets an extreme view during Rebecca's pole dance

"I love the strip malls where you can get a foot massage and a smoothie and a new key made in, like, less than 20 minutes!"

Our favorite of the non-Josh reasons Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) came up with to explain her sudden move to West Covina

"The idea that [Kanye] is talking about Amber being a stripper... You're not saying anything she hasn't admitted herself. As a matter of fact, Kanye, you're the one who gave this stripper her come-up. And by the way, we recall meeting your wife on her back."

Wendy reads Kanye West (and Kim Kardashian-West) for filth over his series of tweets going after fellow rapper Wiz Khalifa, their mutual ex Amber Rose and even Wiz and Amber's child

"The influential, the powerful, the reptilia and the rodentia. The Arena Club is where they all congregate."

"They've been trying unsuccessfully to recruit Mr. Stark for years."

"I'm not a joiner!"

"Women aren't allowed."

"There's that, too."

The reasons for Howard Stark's (Dominic Cooper) disinterest in the Arena Club are many. Or at least one.

"These lips and — [points down] — these lips? They don't lie."

"That's quite a vagina monologue."

"I heard that, Ann Taylor Loft."

Empirical Press' potential new author (Justine Lupe) and Diana (Miriam Shor) face off

"What will your corrupt little organization do about this?"

"Excuse me?"

"Will you find the person responsible? Will they be punished? Will this be a priority for you? Because it is for me."

"You've got some balls on you, pal."

"Oh, thank you very much! But they're really quite average."

During his conversation with Det. Dancer (Lauren German), Lucifer (Tom Ellis) reveals that he, too, can show some humility

"She's the best. I don't know why the hell she puts up with me."

"Nobody does."

Caroline (Linsey Godfrey), as stunned as anyone by Katie's devotion to hubby Bill (Don Diamont)

"You died!!"

"Good to know."

The Flash (Grant Gustin) gives Reverse-Flash (Matt Letscher) a critical heads-up

"The truth [points to Mulder's chest] is in here."

"Yeah, I've heard something like that."

Mulder (David Duchovny) hears a familiar refrain as Gupta (Vik Sahay) lectures him on being his most authentic self

"If it were a fact, it wouldn't be called intelligence."

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld offers a pearl of wisdom that makes Colbert's jaw drop