Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 18, 2015

"Lemme give you a nickel's worth of free advice, kid: No woman's going to trade a red, white and blue shield for an aluminum crutch."

Krzeminski (Kyle Bornheimer) advises Sousa (Enver Gjokaj) against crushing on Captain America's onetime flame

"Look in the lake and tell me what you see."

"Bloated corpse under the water. I say he's been there a few months, at least. Interesting the way his lips move just like mine."

Bart (Nancy Cartwright), trying and failing to make Homer (Dan Castellaneta) see that he isn't the 10-year-old that he's been hypnotized to think he is

"Good Lord, Gareth, do you kiss my ring with that mouth?!?"

King Richard (Timothy Omundson), after hearing his henchman's expletive-filled joke

"Did you hear about the knight that got off his high horse?"

"No."

"Me, neither."

Galavant (Joshua Sasse), learning what squires really think of knights while posing as Sid's squire

"Boyhood proves there are still great roles for women over 40 — as long as you get hired when you're under 40."

Amy Poehler, riffing on Patricia Arquette's nomination for a movie that took 12 years to film

"I need a good recommendation for a restaurant. It's Marcus' birthday and I wanna do something... nice."

"Oooh! Do you want, like, 'classic romantic' or 'gastro-sensuous?'"

"Never mind."

A reluctant Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) asks Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio), the precinct's resident foodie, for a restaurant recommendation, but is turned off by his overly enthusiastic response

"Do you even know how many problems I have solved for you, Mike? 853. All enemy combatants, many on American soil. Identified by Research and handled by me. And by 'handled,' you realize I mean killed, right?"

Control (Camryn Manheim) makes sure that the chief of staff knows precisely how she has been serving her president

"When Ashley told me she was a virgin, I was like, 'Seriously?' Like, I'm so jealous. Like, I can't even use that 'cause I have a kid!"

Mackenzie weighs her potential disadvantages in relation to one of her competitors for Chris' heart

"If you were to have a heart attack, he would give a great speech, and I would keep you alive."

Bow (Tracee Ellis Ross) explains to Dre (Anthony Anderson) why her M.D. trumps Martin Luther King Jr.'s Ph.D

"People don't come here to look under their seats for keys to a car. Now you might get yourself a flat iron and a blender..."

While asking folks not to expect Kathy Griffin's Fashion Police to be the same as the late Joan Rivers' version, Wendy explains how her talk show is not like Oprah's

"I just stepped on a fork in the tub. How many times have we told the kids we wash spoons in the tub... knives and forks in the bathroom sink?"

Frankie (Patricia Heaton) has a tough time bathing with the kitchen sink out of commission

"Here's my motto now: Don't try."

"I thought that was always your motto."

Mike (Neil Flynn), failing to see the "new" in Frankie's (Patricia Heaton) new attitude

"Well, that was the worst thing that's ever happened."

"No, no. The worst thing that ever happened was when they cancelled My So-Called Life."

Becca (Laura Ramsey) gets some perspective from her best friend Lolly (Sarah Goldberg) after a nasty break-up

"Is this gluten free?"

"What's that?"

"I don't know. Everyone's doing it now."

Time-traveling Becca (Laura Ramsey) gives her '90s best friend Lolly (Sarah Goldberg) a lesson in future food fads

"Georgie bought this for me in Paris before she left. So... how do I look?"

"...Like the reason French people hate us."

Danny (Derek Theler) can always count on Tucker (Tahj Mowry) for an honest answer, even if he is a little too honest sometimes

"He just wanted to date me. And I'm only using the word 'date' cause you're my daughter."

"What do you expect? Men suck."

"Sweetie, you're too young to be that cynical. There are lots of wonderful men – ugh God, I can't even fake it."

After her new boss makes an unwarranted pass at her, Christy (Anna Faris) isn't so sure her daughter Violet (Sadie Calvano) is wrong about the opposite sex

"They're all being marvelous, but I do feel such an idiot."

"Maybe because you behaved like an idiot."

You've got to love how convinced Mary (Michelle Dockery) is to prove Edith (Laura Carmichael) purposely started a fire at the abbey

"What do we do now?"

"Steal her jewelry and bury the bitch."

Paul (Mat Fraser) and Desiree (Angela Bassett), clearly "grief-stricken" after Chester sawed Maggie in half

"She talks too much."

"She does, right? That's a very good point. Talks a lot."

"Far too loud and far too often."

"Yeah, she does. She does, but I don't know. It's just the way she does it sometimes. Her voice is part of the silence."

"I prefer actual silence."

Max (Max Burkholder) and Hank (Ray Romano) discuss the pros and cons of Sarah Braverman. Max would just prefer if his aunt kept it quiet.

"Frankly, my dear, I'm so glad you give a damn."

Nolan (Gabriel Mann) really is the Rhett Butler of the Hamptons

"You look ridiculous."

"I believe Mr. Magnum, P.I. would disagree."

Henry (Ioann Gruffudd) criticizes the faux-gun-handling skills of his assistant Lucas (Joel David Moore)... and gets an '80s TV reference in return

"Whatever room I'm in... there's a situation."

CNN's Situation Room host Wolf Blitzer reveals his (hypothetical) Real Housewives tagline

"Have you smelled his Big Gulp? It's like 30 ounces of rehab!"

Morning (Mircea Monroe), suggesting that Matt is too drunk to perform their scene

"I hate to admit it, but Baby Castle over here may be right."

With Rick now P.I.-ing solo, Esposito (Jon Huertas) acknowledges that Detective Ryan fills a conspiracy card-playing need

"I'm pretty sure that our fish ancestors climbed out of the ooze and got legs just to be able to scissor."

Santana (Naya Rivera) has some interesting theories about ancient lesbians

"You're in high school, sweetie. You should be more concerned about your weight than your SAT scores."

Lois (Alex Borstein), reordering Meg's priorities

"Hey, other teens! How 'bout our youth culture, am I right? All the new hairs we're getting. Hey, #SATs, huh?"

Brian (Seth MacFarlane), trying to pass for not just a high schooler but Meg

"Rude."

"No more rude than that anchorwoman haircut you slap on your head."

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) charges back at Anika (Grace Gealey) for calling her out on disrespecting Lucious