Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 22, 2015

"How goes the moonlighting, Mr. Reese? Uncover any hidden threats?"

"Do empty carbohydrates count?"

Harold (Michael Emerson) checks in on John's (Jim Caviezel) gig at a well-fed Internet start-up

"Don't you know a VIP when you see one? Your boss came out of my V and her daddy's P, so show a little respect for her mama."

Ophelia (Cicely Tyson) is not amused by Annalise's law-firm underlings mistaking her for a common client

"What makes you think that that white man is the only reason you can have your own practice? I mean, in terms of entitlement and personality, you da whitest man I know."

"God, Rishi, that's like the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me."

Compliments are in the eye of the beholder when Mindy (Mindy Kaling) and her brother (Utkarsh Ambudkar) are chatting

"Thanks for coming today. It really meant a lot."

"Of course! In such sad days, it helps people to see a celebrity."

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) thanks Rogelio (Jaime Camil) for attending Raphael's father's funeral

"Then I want the Orange Is the New Black version. A friendly prison. Where one has the chance to explore their identity."

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) has very strong feelings about the prison-like bars of baby cribs

"My poor, dear dead Noxzema girl."

Lolly (Sarah Goldberg) is watching Dylan's wife Toni (played by Rebecca Gayheart) get killed on 90210

"You should do what I do: Stay out of her way, but not too far.... Be close, but just out of sight. And you'll be there for her when she's ready."

"OK, Im pretty sure what you just described is stalking."

Catherine's (Debbie Allen) advice for Jackson (Jesse Williams) handling April comes off a bit creepy

"I have to admit, when I saw your name was Evan, I thought you were a man."

"And I have to admit, when I saw your name was Harvey, I thought you were a man."

"I think I'm in love."

Harvey (Gabriel Macht) is smitten by Tricia Helfer's lawyer Evan Smith

"If I can offer you a word of advice... I would consider wrapping this whole thing up."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the whole living arrangement. The kids, the girls, the beach house... I mean this whole thing has been going on way too long."

"Yeah, a lot of people have been saying that."

"Haters gonna hate!"

Lt. Wagner (Arnold Schwarzenegger) advises Alan (Jon Cryer) and Walden (Ashton Kutcher) to wrap things up

"The Academy Awards are this weekend and Oscar fever is sweeping the nation. No, I'm sorry, I read that wrong, that's measles. Measles is sweeping the nation."

"Have you really thought this through? That pageant world is squeaky-clean, and last week you were modeling a​ ​HAZMAT​ ​suit and pushing around a barrel with a liquefied friend in it."

Caleb (Tyler Blackburn) explains to Hanna why she's not beauty queen material

"Avery, I can't find the remote."

"Baby, I can't be your masseuse/manservant today, remember? I'm starting Sadie's record, like, 10 minutes ago!... Did you check your hand?"

"Nevermind, I found it!"

As she nears her due date, Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) has a severe case of pregnancy brain

"My moms can't afford it. We have a big family. And I'm an eater."

Food is apparently the thing standing in the way of Jesus (Jake T. Austin) going to college

"I've got balls like Death Stars."

The Force is with Constable Bob (Patton Oswalt), as he readies to "take out" Limehouse's henchman 

"It's one thing to be like a guy, and be like, 'Oh, yeah, that's cool,' and then it's quite another to be like, 'Hey, Mom, don't google my wife.'"

Carly, speculating about how Chris would react to Jade's revelation that she'd posed for Playboy

"Times have changed since I first sat behind this desk. For example, I used to be the only pretty blonde woman reading the fake news. Now there's a whole network devoted to that."

Weekend Update vet Jane Curtin throws shade at Fox News

"Viewers of Saturday Night Live span several generations — from the Baby Boomers to Generation X all the way to whatever you call the little dummies who are live-tweeting this right now instead of watching it."

Returning Weekend Update anchor Tina Fey clearly doesn't care if she's trending

"Oh, like Batman and Catwoman."

"And like socks and sandals."

Tina (Dan Mintz) and Gene (Eugene Mirman), upon being told that Louise and Millie are nemeses

"I appreciate the modern world, but sometimes old school is the best school. Ooh, batteries!"

Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) loves a good sale on Double As

"Which holiday requires monopedal pink birds and a band of barbate pygmies?"

"Arbor Day."

Ichabod (Tom Mison) doesn't realize fellow Witness Abbie (Nicole Beharie) is messing with him as they browse the lawn-ornaments section of a home-hardware store

"Graham's allergic to latex."

"How delicate. What do you guys use, flower petals? Silk scarves?"

Beth (Aisha Dee) gifts her bestie April (Italia Ricci) with a Costco-sized box of condoms — and then has to explain why she and her boyfriend can't use them

"I will say one thing about that man that I've only said about Ryan Gosling. Hot damn!"

Winston (Lamorne Morris) has a man crush on Cece's (Hannah Simone) high school admirer

"You weren't the most conscientious body-mate."

"You do not consider keeping you alive to be conscientious?"

"Alive? You had us living under a bridge, eating garbage."

Upon Firestorm's separation, Ronnie (Robbie Amell) and Professor Stein (Victor Garber) were not so glad they had this time together

"I thought you said you'd take care of it!"

"I did. He slept with her, and now he'll slowly grow to hate her over the next 20 years."

Lois (Alex Borstein) and Peter (Seth MacFarlane) discuss the best way to get Chris to dump his new girlfriend

"I don't have to say, 'I'm sorry,' to him, Louis. I gave birth to him! Life is worth a thousand 'I am sorrys.'"

Jessica (Constance Wu) refuses to apologize to her son after attacking him with a stuffed animal during a misguided lesson about date rape

"Oh my God. The landline!"

"Wait, we have a landline? I always thought that was a hipster cookie jar."

Annie (Casey Wilson) and Jake (Ken Marino) are equally surprised to hear their home phone ringing

"My penis just yawned."

A bored John Oliver, after showing a particularly dull clip from 50 Shades of Grey

"Do you have a different stirring interpretation of the 'Your boss is dead' monologue that you wanted to perform? Because I already caught the Broadway version Huck did and let me tell you, he nailed it."

Already fearing the worst for Olivia, Quinn (Katie Lowes) asks Jake to state his business