Quotes Of The Week From Faking It, Mad Men, Penny Dreadful, Louie Rickles Tribute & More!

FAKING IT

"At theater camp, I fiddled on more than just the roof."

Shane (Michael J. Willett) explaining why he knows so much about threesomes

MAD MEN

"We don't have any alcohol!"

Peggy (Elisabeth Moss) sputtering a last-ditch reason that she and Don (Jon Hamm) can't possibly pull an all-nighter to rework an ad pitch to make her the lead

MAD MEN (Bonus Quote!)

"Bravo."

Bert (Robert Morse) uttering his last words – marveling at the 1969 moon landing – before passing away

PENNY DREADFUL

"There is a place where the malformed find grace, where the hideous can be beautiful, where strangeness is not shunned but celebrated. This place... is the theatre."

Vincent (Alun Armstrong), offering hope — and a home — to Frankenstein's first-reborn monster, Caliban

THE BACHELORETTE

"When Nick S. bent over, oh my God, like, I kinda saw a part of a man that, like, no woman is supposed to see."

Andi, suddenly getting squeamish after setting up a group date in which her suitors were asked to perform strip-tease routines in front of a live audience — for charity, of course

INSIDE AMY SCHUMER

"Chefs, today I have prepared for you mayonnaise from a Myrtle Beach mug that Michael gave me."

A drunken Amy Schumer serving a dish on reality TV show called Sauced, which ambushes drunk roommates late at night and forces them to prepare meals from their meager refrigerator offerings

INSIDE AMY SCHUMER (Bonus Quote!)

"At least one woman drowned after being knocked unconscious by a Bitch Goblet."
"What's a Bitch Goblet?"

"To my knowledge, a Bitch Goblet is a large drinking goblet with the word 'bitch' stenciled in puff paint across the pad of it."

Coroner Barnabas Mollins (Todd Barry) at a news conference discussing fatalities in a crash of bachelorette party bus into a booze cruise with a second bachelorette party

2014 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony

"Considering that the judges have actually voted for someone who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't throw televisions out of hotel rooms and only sleeps with his wife, I'd say it was a very brave decision. And one which was unexpected, and strangely, outrageously rock & roll."

Inductee Cat Stevens (aka Yusuf Islam) noting the irony of the famously bad-to-the-bone musical genre honoring a devout Muslim

DEVIOUS MAIDS

"Honey, you were married for 22 years: It's only natural you'd forget that people have sex."

Genevieve (Susan Lucci), trying to calm her maid Zoila (Judy Reyes)'s nervousness after realizing that a male suitor might actually want to "get physical"

HOLLYWOOD EXES

"She agrees: It's a whoop-ass pass!"

Shamicka Lawrence, excited that Andrea Kelly concurs there must be consequences when a friend dates your ex without getting permission

ORPHAN BLACK

"I can't go to jail, Felix. I don't have the temperament. In the shower, if they touch me, I will cut them."

Suburban priss Alison (Tatiana Maslany) making her feelings bluntly clear — and proving she might actually fit right in on Orange Is the New Black

One Night Only: An All-Star Comedy Tribute to Don Rickles

"[Robert De Niro and I] see each other mainly at awards ceremonies and memorial services — like tonight.... Though if I had been directing this, I don't think I would have gone for the open casket."

Martin Scorsese hits the jackpot when zinging his Casino cast member

One Night Only: An All-Star Comedy Tribute to Don Rickles (Bonus Quote!)

"I remember watching Don [Rickles] as a little kid in the '70s and thinking, 'Wow, that guy is old.'"

Tina Fey, alongside partner-in-comedy Amy Poehler, kicking off their tribute to the icon

LOUIE

"Hey, you know, you don't get to do this. You're with Patrick and I don't run that down. I don't pick that apart."

"Okay, you wanna talk about me and Patrick? Go ahead."

"Okay. Fine. Well, you guys... are pretty solid. And the girls love him and he seems like a great guy. And... your relationship has brought a lot of stability to their lives that they lost when we broke up. So. Yeah. He smells like kale."

Louie (Louis C.K.), desperate to find something wrong with ex-wife Janet's (Susan Kelechi Watson) current boyfriend

LOUIE (Bonus Quote!)

"What does she cost?"

"$800 for the two hours."

"Oh my God."

"Yeah. For that kind of money, we could pay to have Jane killed."

Janet (Susan Kelechi Watson) and Louie (Louis C.K.), discussing the therapist they are seeing about daughter Jane's latest behavior

CHOPPED

"I've never seen a block of salami in person."

Vegan chef Ariane Resnick, offering a very strange response as to why her dish utilized salami poorly