Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 2, 2018

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"Evidently, talking about Donald Trump for two years has made my mouth old."

Colbert attempts to explain his all-white beard

BACHELOR IN PARADISE

"Colton and Tia just broke up. They both went home. They left paradise."

"Really? [beat] Can they do that?"

John seems to have just discovered that Paradise is not a hostage situation

BACHELOR IN PARADISE (Bonus Quote!)

"I think it gives us all hope. Like, this could really work! If you pursue it. Mercilessly. For years."

Jenna, after watching franchise alumni Jared Haibon and Ashley Iaconetti get engaged... three years after meeting on Paradise

MAYANS MC

"That's a very unpleasant way to lose weight."

Cartel boss Miguel Galindo (Danny Pino), after an informant's arm is severed from his body

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON

"A senior official wrote an anonymous op-ed about Trump. Even stranger, the official signed it, 'XOXO, Gossip Girl.'"

INSECURE

"It finally happened!" 

"Oh, you got that cat?"

"No, I'm still on the waiting list. [sighs] It's political."

Frieda (Lisa Joyce) has some good, though non-feline-related, news for Issa (Issa Rae)

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY

"I don't think what you said to her at that dinner is quite what she said about me in the blog."

"Oh my God, in the blog that two people read! ... Sorry, Bravo."

"A lot of people read it."

"No, a lot of people don't read it."

Of all the topics we expected Bethenny Frankel and Carole Radziwill to debate during the reunion, Bravo's site metrics wasn't one of them

BURDEN OF TRUTH

"So let me ask you: How do I debunk conversion disorder?"

"Debunking a legitimate psychological disorder, in one evening? We may need more wine for that." 

Joanna (Kristin Kreuk) picks Diana's (Nicola Correia-Damude) brain — and keep in mind, they already have a full bottle ahead of 'em there

OZARK (Episode 9)

"What do you do, Martin, when the bride who took your breath away becomes the wife who makes you hold your breath in terror?"

Jacob (Peter Mullan) confides in Marty about his reckless and unpredictable wife

MARVEL'S IRON FIST (Episode 2)

"The Hatchets are going to try to take out the Tigers? And you know this how?"

"Because there ain't nothin' we don't know."

[Colleen shakes head] "Any. Thing. Don't you go to school?"

"Nah. I just stop in for lunch."

"Violence begets violence. 'Begets' means 'makes,' which you would know if you went to school for anything but the crappy pizza."

Colleen (Jessica Henwick) advises BB (Giullian Yao Gioiello) that life lessons alone won't cut it

MARVEL'S IRON FIST (Episode 4)

"I found Davos' shipment. It's a coffin, with a very old, dead body in it. Someone's cut a piece out of it."

"Why is it that every time I'm with you two some weird s—t happens?"

Danny (Finn Jones) loops in Misty (Simone Missick) on his and Colleen's latest adventure

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON (Bonus Quote!)

"Starbucks recently opened its first store in Italy, and this is weird: Over there, the sizes are small, medium and large."

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"In fairness, every day working in [Trump's] White House is like a kick in the nuts. Why do you think Rudy Giuliani always looks like this? That's the face of a guy who lost a bet and has to stand in front of a tennis-ball machine without a racquet."

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"Some people are worried that Kavanaugh might have even made a deal with Trump's personal lawyer, Marc Kasowitz, basically saying, 'We'll put you on the court if you promise to protect the president from Robert Mueller' — or, as Trump would put it, 'You scratch my back, I'll grab your p—y.'"

WYNONNA EARP

"I hardly recognized her without her resting witch face."

Wynonna (Melanie Scrofano) comes face-to-charred face with the Stone Witch