Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 28, 2014

"Do you have a vagina?"

Shay (Lauren German), shutting down Severide's (Taylor Kinney) disbelief during their first meeting that he's not her type

"You were a STUNNINGLY poor waitress."

"That is not true."

"I'm still waiting on my mini-corn dogs from two years ago."

"I told you they'll be RIGHT. OUT. "

Penny (Kaley Cuoco), defending her past career as a Cheesecake Factory server to Amy (Mayim Bialik)

"It's all about the Benjamins."

"Yes, it always was."

Ichabod (Tom Mison), never missing an opportunity to bemoan Founding Father Franklin's unparalleled hubris

"When they took that away, I started running at the walls...."

"You should have run faster."

Skye (Chloe Bennett), showing little sympathy for imprisoned Ward's (Brent Dalton) stories of self-harm

"'I know deez tunnels like ze back of my hand.' For future reference, that's the back of your hand, that's your ass, thats' your elbow."

Eph (Corey Stoll), verbally vivisecing Vassily after the rat-catcher nearly gets them run over by a subway train

"No one's gonna miss you."

Murderous Big Jim (Dean Norris), adding insult to imminent, brutal injury before dispatching with Becky using a hammer

"My momma always used to say only two things is open at 2 a.m.: Denny's and legs. That's it. And I was going to Denny's!"

Loni Love, shutting down co-host Tamar Braxton's insinuation that she was getting a booty-call from a man during their very late girls' night out

"Dude, I would put parts of my body, maybe, into another gay man's body — iI mean, into a gay man's body, not another gay man's body — and I'd be like, 'Hey, this is therapeutic!' If I were a doctor and you were gay and you needed a prostate exam, no problem here! That's about overall health. That's not about me trying to stimulate."

Keegan-Michael Key, upping the stakes (big time!) in a debate with Jordan Peele over who's less homophobic

"Oh, and FYI.... Another thing that I just don't do anymore is wax. So... it's 1976 down there."

Mellie (Bellamy Young), letting husband Fitz know just how hairy things have gotten since son Jerry's death

"Do you need me to validate a ticket for broomstick, or can you find your way out on your own?"

Cyrus (Jeff Perry) has had enough of RNC honcho Liz's witchy ways

"We need to focus on the matter at hand, which is getting you a brand new heart. Do you take plastic?"

"Smart. Get the miles."

Kara's moms (Andrea Parker and Tricia O'Kelley) trying to get their daughter a new heart from the hospital staff

"You OK, bro?"

"Yeah, I just never saw myself owning a company called Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table...‎.. A good company should never have seven words in the title."

Stan, deciding he's not a fan of his and Kyle's Kickstarter effort

"My dad took Metamucil every day of his life — he never looked as good as you."

Rosie O'Donnell, reacting to Michael Strahan's explanation that the fiber supplement is part of his fitness regimen

"Tonight is our 100th show.... So we did it. We lasted 98 episodes longer than the average NBC show.... We made it to 100 episodes. And I want to thank the one group of people we couldn't have done it without: people who drink coffee late in the afternoon even though they know it's a bad idea."

Meyers, marking a milestone by plucking some of the Peacock's feathers and thanking night owls

"This isn't over! Much like Wreck, senior year is very much in effect."

Val (Desi Lydic) addressing the senior class at an assembly

"You really shouldn't hold those [guns] sideways.... You can't aim, and you'll eject the shell casing into your... Ah, forget it."

In a callback to the series premiere, Reese (Jim Caviezel) attempts to school some thugs on proper gun handling — but elects to beat on them instead

"Sorry, I didn't realize I had [my compass] until you were halfway done — and by then I was just curious to see it work."

McGee (Sean Murray), fending off a stern look from Gibbs, who had MacGyver'd a makeshift compass using a paper clip and leaf

"How's your nipple?"

"How's your ass?"

Raven (Sarah Lancaster) and Dash (Eric Winter) exchanging pleasantries after a back-room hookup

"It happens all the time. One Thanksgiving, a little boy thought I was the Dora the Explorer balloon."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling), brushing off Danny's mother's apology for having mistakenly thought she was Danny's cleaning woman — not his girlfriend

"Okay, Ma, I told you a hundred times I don't want your old TV Guides."

"Oh, are you the king of Siam? You're too good for an inside look at the fall line-up?"

Annette (Rhea Perlman), trying to foist her back issues on son Danny (Chris Messina), who is obviously a TVLine fan

"Best chance of getting through is saying you can orgasm listening to the traffic report on the radio."

Human quip machine Betty (Annaleigh Ashford), offering Virginia's ex advice on getting her to take his calls

"We just got free Cinemax!!!"

Luke (Nolan Gould) all but confirming that Alex is a "bad luck" charm, reporting this windfall the instant she storms out of the house

"You may have given birth to a whole genre of pornography!"

Kimmel, joking about guest Patrick Dempsey's early role as a pizza-boy-turned-gigolo in the 1989 comedy Loverboy

"I'm a widow. She widowed me. I'll never have Alex to myself again."

Jo (Camilla Luddington), complaining to Stephanie about her boyfriend's new role as Meredith's "person"

"Who wants to help me arrange these dildos?"

"Now we're talking! Let's go bigger to smaller. It's more shocking."

Karma (Katie Stevens) and Shane (Michael J. Willett) during a bizarre hostage situation