Quotes Of The Week For March 22, 2015

"So 'you are what you eat' isn't just a bitchy thing my mother says about fat people."

Liv (Rose McIver) after she realizes eating a murder victim's brains gave her the woman's kleptomania problem and the ability to speak Romanian

"Do you have any idea how many women would kill to be with a man like this?"

"Exactly four. Yeah, I've met them. Quality women. I don't know who they plan on killing or why they even think that's my thing, but they're super hot and ready for murder."

Major (Robert Buckley) chimes in after Liv's mother (Molly Hagan) gives her grief for breaking things off with her fiance

"The Today Show is too tough for me!"

Jennifer Garner, while plugging her movie Danny Collins, wipes away tears caused by the morning show's segments on a widowed dad raising infant quadruplets and a little girl successfully fighting cancer

"They're a bizarre pair. He listens for a living, she doesn't speak."

Fitz (Iain De Caestecker) takes stock of May and her shrink ex-husband

"I feel I must warn you: Markham's previous employees have not fared well in these parts."

"What, them military jarhead guys? Course not. Those boys don't have no soul. They don't know what it is to really live it down. You know what I mean?

"I do not. No."

The philosophy of Boon the goon (Jonathan Tucker) is lost on Raylan (Timothy Olyphant), and surely countless others

"You, Melissa, are a catch. Like, a Moby Dick-sized catch."

"Moby Dick? Try Moby Double Dick.

A smitten Phil (Will Forte) awkwardly attempts to one-up Carol's (Kristen Schaal) compliment of fellow survivor (January Jones)

"It was back when I was substitute teaching. I was dead inside, I needed to feel!"

David Rosen aka D.R. aka "The Doctor" (Joshua Malina) tries to account for his sexual antics as detailed in Kinky Sue's tell-all

"Every article that comes out about me has your name somewhere in it — because apparently there's this rule. In order to mention my name, they also have to report to the world that there's a man who wants me. ... I stand at the most powerful podium in the world, but a story about me ain't a story unless they can report on the fact that I am the girlfriend of D.C. fixer Leo Bergen, like it validates me, gives me an identity, definition .... Property of Leo Bergen. Tell me, when they write articles about you, Leo, how often do they mention me? Do they talk about your clothes? Write about your thighs? There is a difference. There is."

Abby (Darby Stanchfield) details for Leo (Paul Adelstein) how what he does impacts her, professionally

"I've been treating you like an unpaid intern... when I should have been treating you like a paid intern."

Sue (Jane Lynch) finally has a realization — of sorts — in the series finale about her mistreatment of sidekick Becky

"I thought about it, and anyone named Alaric should not be allowed to name another human."

"I didn't name me!"

"True. ... OK, you can have veto power."

Jo (Jodi Lyn O'Keefe) and Alaric (Matt Davis) have already reached the naming stage of their pregnancy — and it's not going well

"You use your inside voice when you talk to Becky."

Becky (Gabourey Sidibe) is not putting up with boss Lucious (Terrence Howard) and his angry outbursts

"Who's Boo-Boo Kitty now, bitch?"

Midway through a brutal fist fight, Anika (Grace Gealey) takes back the dismissive nickname bestowed on her by rival Cookie (Taraji P. Henson)

"I'm no stranger to the one-night stands, alright? I know how it works! You go to a party, you meet a pretty girl, you're like 'sup? Wanna try some sex?'"

Justin (Brent Morin) is a complete stranger to the one-night stand

"I'll facilitate [Canning's] choice after I get full indemnification, including a letter from the State Department saying this group is kosher. [Rephrases] 'Appropriate.'"

David Lee (Zach Grenier) deflects Alicia's warning about sitting on Canning's request, which might finance a pro-Hamas organization

"She... can turn into...."

"A fire-breathing dragon. Yes, yes, yes. A bit showy, if you ask me."

Rumple (Robert Carlyle) doesn't share Regina's (Lana Parrilla) awe of Maleficent's top trick

"That Maleficent had a foul temper, and if you insulted her, she'd turn into a dragon and eat your flesh! It's a good thing for you I already had breakfast."

Maleficent (Kristin Bauer) advises fan girl Regina that it's perhaps best to let sleeping dragons lie

"What the hell did I do? Killed them all, of course."

Robert Durst seemingly makes a confession to killing his wife, a close friend and a neighbor in the finale of HBO's chilling six-part documentary

"It's almost time for March Madness! That's the big tournament where you start out with 64 teams and in only three weeks, you're down to no girlfriend."

Seth Meyers outweighs the good with the bad

"Heyyy, Kim! [Pauses] Oh, not y'all. My sister's a Kim, too."

Lolli (Niecy Nash) discovers the complexities of answering her cellphone while hosting a bus full of Korean tourists stranded by a blizzard

"I would normally not be so petty, but when my nemesis cares about the little things, so must I. And now the little thing is his house."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) making sure the square footage of his home is bigger than that of his rival

"I can't believe you've never seen this movie."

"Must have been before my time."

We see what you did there, Dr. Wells (Tom Cavanagh), who hails from the future

"Inigo and Remus can go away. We don't know where Waldo is. Sherwood's in the forest."

Los Angeles ABC 7 news anchor Phillip Palmer gets cheeky during a segment about almost extinct baby boy names

"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And I once had dinner with Guy Fieri!"

Jules (Courteney Cox) finds the idea of reading a book more unappealing than dinner with the Food Network personality 

"Just read the book, then we can celebrate by watching the movie."

"There's a movie?"

"Yes! Travis has it on DVD. It's amazing! It stars Gregory Peck."

"Aw, my dad's chicken!"

"No, the actor."

Laurie (Busy Philipps) sets Jules (Courteney Cox) straight when she confuses the star of To Kill a Mockingbird with her dad's farm animal

"My friends, they all think my parents are adorable and they think that I'm the bad guy for hating them, but I have a right to hate them because I had to be there when they sucked."

"Yeah, Jimmy Fallon syndrome. I get it. I had that with my parents too."

Frankie (Paget Brewster) compares Britta (Gillian Jacobs) learning to love her parents to America learning to love Fallon after disliking him for breaking during sketches on SNL

"Now to Ireland — Europe's Boston — home to more red hair than Debra Messing's shower drain."

John Oliver gives Ireland the description we never knew we needed

"You see, in marriage, you have to give your partner some space."

"OK. [Clears throat] Ryan, this is my third marriage. I think I know what I'm doing."

The third time is possibly, maybe, probably the charm, for Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion)

"Seriously?! What is your excuse today?"

"More bad luck! My car ran out of gas and my clothes disappeared from the laundromat. I had to beg one of my neighbors to lend me some of his."

"You never told us Sinbad lives in your building."

"If Sinbad lived in my building, I would have a tattoo on my forehead that says 'Sinbad lives in my building.'"

Terry (Terry Crews) and Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) question the legitimacy of Jake's (Andy Samberg) lateness

"So that means a pass on becoming the most handsome Demon's Head ever?"

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) after Oliver (Stephen Amell) remembers his purpose as Starling City's vigilante

"You're always saying how you just want me to be happy. The thing is, as along as you're in my life, I am."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) makes an emotional confession to Oliver (Stephen Amell) that doesn't crush anyone's soul