Quotes Of The Week For July 26, 2015

"It actually went beyond, like, the surface level relationship... There was a lot of meat to that for me."

JJ, choosing the most hilarious word possible to insist that he and Clint aren't gay, just guy-curious

"It's just nice to see some people not overly using exclamation points."

Host Dave Huntsberger mocks The Messengers' "HELP. DEVIL IS HERE" text message

"You told that story like your name is Shaniqua!"

Wendy is impressed by "nice white lady" (Marianne Garvey from The Gossip Table) deftly telling a "hood story" of Birdman, Young Thug and Jimmy Winfrey's beef with Lil Wayne

"I only have one question: What is Senate?"

Frederick (Jason Ritter), upon being informed that he is becoming a senator

"Is being a senator a job?"

"It's more like a drinking club that decides the laws."

Beatrice (Riki Lindhome) and Lillian (Natasha Leggero), as best they can, talking politics

"If I were you, I would just stay home and, like, draw each other."

Baby Daddy's Melissa Peterman marvels at the attractiveness of married co-hosts Boris Kodjoe and Nicole Ari-Parker

"My favorite kind of vetos are the kind that are used to save me."

Nominated contestant John, making an honest case for why Vanessa should use the Power of Veto on him

"Oh no, I don't drink in the day."

"But half your life is in the day."

Jo (Zoe Boyle) is shocked when the newest Astro Wife declines an afternoon cocktail

"You'll find someone, George."

"Another irony — my bride on our wedding day encouraging me that there are other fish in the sea."

Their remarriage is only minutes old, and already, the honeymoon's over for Virginia (Lizzy Caplan) and George (Mather Zickel)

"The Museum of the Moving Image in New York is opening a new exhibit dedicated to cats that are famous on the Internet. So if you love the Internet... and you love cats... you're probably not making it out of the house, let;s be honest. You're probably not off to a museum."

"If you're seeking a short cut to Hell, my son, you've come to the right place."

"Father Provenza" (GW Bailey) says a prayer for the cop-killing impostor lawman the team just busted

"I had a plan."

"Yeah, I'm not sure that prying open the pharmacy door with a crowbar deserves the title 'plan.'"

John (Jason O'Mara) shares with Gretchen his idea for snatching chemo drugs for their sketchy business partner

"It's the Star Wars of international relationships: good in the '70s, terrible for a long time and now, hopefully, on the brink of a revival."

John Oliver, aptly describing the United States' relationship with Iran

"And if you're thinking, 'But hold on, John. What if I'm an a—hole who couldn't give a s—t about America's hungry families or the long-term viability of life on Earth?' Well, first, let me say: Mr. Trump! Thank you so much for taking the time to watch the show tonight!"

Presidential candidate Donald Trump might want to put some aloe vera on that burn

"If you were me, would you trust you as your right hand?"

"If I were you, I wouldn't have even let me in the house."

Tyrell (Martin Wallström) warns E Corp's potential new CTO that he is a force of nature — shortly before visiting his dinner host's wife in the loo

"Lies from the Book of Lies!"

Tamar Braxton shoots down sister Trina's insistance that she isn't "goo-goo eyed" over her new beau

"Why do I always end up as bait?"

"Because you look so appetizing."

[Pauses] "That's right I do."

Dutch (Ruta Gedmintas) questions, for a half-moment, her being used to draw out a mob of Strigoi

"Can you imagine being tortured for five-and-a-half years in a Vietnamese prison camp... and then 42 years later the host of Celebrity Apprentice — a man who, the closest he ever got to battle was a fight with Rosie O'Donnell, a man whose greatest wartime accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty between Gary Busey and Meatloaf — belittles you, and calls you a loser?"

Jimmy Kimmel shares his take on Donald Trump's dismissal of John McCain

"So, wolf poop is called 'scat'?"

"It is."

"Wow. You learn something new every day."

Jamie (Kristen Connolly) gets from Jackson (James Wolk) the poop on some zoology lingo

"It's not excluding people. On Earth Day, we don't include Jupiter!"

Orange Is the New Black's Uzo Aduba explains why "Black Lives Matter" doesn't mean other lives don't matter, too

"At my age, 50/50 it's a flipper baby, anyways."

Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa) shrugs off Chet (Craig Bierko) and his concern about her drinking while pregnant with their child

"Ladies... there's a little saying we have in show business — the show must go on. And in the case of your quest for everlasting love, the search must go on."

"After 13 seasons, that's all you've got?"

Grace (Nathalie Kelley) is unimpressed with the Everlasting host's words of wisdom

"I don't blame her for not listening to me — I'm dating a married couple."

Karen (Yunjin Kim) drops some real talk about Joss ignoring her relationship advice

"Picture this: you and me, side by side, completely naked, our bodies covered in the juices of mud of Earth."

"Yeah, now I can see exactly how it's totally appropriate."

"Exactly. Donna, trust me, when you dip your virgin toe in the deep warmth of my mud, you're never going to be the same again."

Louis (Rick Hoffman) has no concept of HR-friendly bonding activities to partake in with his secretary Donna (Sarah Rafferty)

"Officer Ward, you're looking refreshed."

"Thank you. I've been in bed a lot."

"Really? At least you're getting a solid eight hours."

"Very solid."

Nick (Peter Mooney) and Juliet (Erin Karpluk) are not talking about sleep, if you know what we mean

"Today was hard. We did good though."

"Yeah. That's because we laid all our clothes out last night. That always insures an good tomorrow."

"That's officially the lamest thing you've ever said to me. Can you take your shirt back off to remind me why I'm with you."

Andy (Missy Peregrym) teases Sam (Ben Bass)