Quotes Of The Week For June 26, 2016

"I love my job. Oh my God, I wanna do it forever. Especially because it's the kind of job I've gotten better at every year. It's also the kind of job that you need to be fast on your feet. You need to be quick, and you need to be sort of, uh... I don't even know what the word is."

Veteran press secretary Mike McClintock (Matt Walsh), at a loss for words

"Hey, your mom home?"

"She's pooping."

Tommy (Luke Gallegos), giving Jesse (Dominic Cooper) the absolute last answer Emily would want him to

"You're under arrest for... I don't know how many counts of rape.... Thank you for filming all of your sexual assaults."

A pornographer whose female costars were doped up and thus unable to give consent hands Sharon (Mary McDonnell) an easy collar

"Burger King has released their new Mac n' Cheetos, which is warm mac-and-cheese stuffed inside Cheetos and served in a box, or, for five dollars more, an urn."

"There's a bunch of white girls pushing back on us in the TV room. We gave them Tuesday nights straight up, and now they're asking for an extra hour on Thursdays so they can watch something called Bones, which is about a lady named Bones apparently."

Make no bones about it: The Spanish Harlem clique has never seen Bones

"Man! I'm missing out on all the best TV. I swear, I might've cleaned up my act if I knew I was gonna end up in a place with only network."

"We got some basic cable, like that show with the lawyers on USA."

"Are they lawyers, or are they FBI guys?"

"The FBI guys are in Miami."

"That's not Miami. That's Long Island."

"He's a doctor... or maybe CIA."

"So nobody's a lawyer?"

"No, there are lawyers for sure."

"Man, I thought that was just one long show!"

Leanne (Emma Myles), Angie (Julie Lake), Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning) and the other meth heads get their Law & Orders, CSIs and Royal Pains confused

"The suspense is killing me. In addition to the bullet wound."

The Machine's philosophizing (perhaps barely) has bleeding Harold's (Michael Emerson) attention

"Try not to die."

"Yeah, I love you, too."

Reese (Jim Caviezel), bidding Fusco (Kevin Chapman) a non-sappy goodbye

"That's just her natural expression! Evelyn has resting murder face."

Adrian (Tom Irwin), trying to calm maid Carmen's concerns about his estranged wife's rageful expression coming through their security gate video monitor

"I'm a bit of a philatelist myself... "

"A philatelist? Sounds dirty."

"It means I collect stamps."

"Nope... No way to make that dirty."

When it comes to Maura's (Sasha Alexander) hobby, Jane (Angie Harmon) says, "Return to sender"

"Senate, you accomplish so little that Kylie Jenner wants to know what the hell you do for a living."

Colbert bashes the Senate for failing to pass new gun control legislation in the wake of the Orlando massacre

"Kim Kardashian... I met her. She's not a bright girl. She thinks soy milk is Spanish for 'I am milk.'"

Jiminy Glick (Martin Short) doesn't think much of the reality TV personality

"His name is Mandarin for 'tiger.'"

"I'm not worried about tigers. I brought a 'Wolf.'"

Despite Sasha's warning, Chandler (Eric Dane) is confident that Wolf Taylor has his six

"Dude, I am 11 years younger than you. No wrinkles. I'm always going to be hot. I'm 100 percent bangable 100 percent of the time. Wife! Me!"

Alex, upon being rejected by would-be suitor Javier

"Just figuring out the hourly rate is a nightmare!"

Karen (Yunjin Kim), pointing out the perils of sleeping with one's manny

"Just like you, Alison, karma can be such a bitch." 

Elliot (Huw Collins), threatening to keep torturing Ali because he thinks she killed Charlotte

"You keep your trap shut, I won't tell your deeply religious parents about your abortion. [Laughs] I'm sorry, I mean two abortions. Deal? But here, get yourself a new laptop. Or some condoms. Just sayin'."

Stan (Billy Zane), blackmailing a blackmailer — and offering some unsolicited advice to the young college student

"I have a better chance of being struck by lightning while... shaving my face."

Daniel, talking about his odds of falling in love with JoJo

"You know what this is? It's a November 6th problem."

Alison (Juliet Rylance), suggesting that her family keep quiet about the fact that Dad might be a serial killer until the day after her mayoral election

"Dr. Seward, we can't look after you inside."

"I'm a New Yorker, Sir Malcolm. We know our way around random gunplay."

Dr. Seward (Patti LuPone), reassuring Sir Malcolm (Timothy Dalton) that she'll be able to take care of herself in Dracula's lair

"You should go."

"Not a chance."

"We're all doomed in this place."

"Makes a change for a Tuesday, though."

"F— him."

"I die proudly alongside all of you."

Victor (Harry Treadaway), Catriona (Perdita Weeks) and Dr. Seward (Patti LuPone), refusing to leave Sir Malcolm (Timothy Dalton) to fight Dracula alone

"I am prepared to keep my promise that I made to you in Paris."

"To help me bleed him? Remind me not to get on your bad side, Sassenach."

Claire (Caitriona Balfe) and Jamie (Sam Heughan) discuss their plans to deal with Black Jack Randall (Tobias Menzies) if the Battle of Culloden doesn't kill him

"On Thursday, the UK faces an in/out referendum on whether to leave the European Union. Incidentally, an in/out referendum is what most English people call sex."

John Oliver informs viewers about the then-upcoming "Brexit' vote

"A week ago, Trump thought 'Brexit' was the name of one of Sarah Palin's kids."

Maher, sizing up The Donald's understanding of world affairs