Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 27, 2015

"That girl was a bitch who thought she was all that because her family founded the Olive Garden and she had no gag reflex."

Chanel (Emma Roberts) has no love for her predecessor at Kappa Kappa Tau

"Will you teach me how to fight, too?"

"One thing at a time, Grasshopper. Now find Callen."

"Yes, Master Hanna!"

"Don't ever call me that."

Eric (Barrett Foa) takes the Kung Fu metaphor too far with mentor Sam (LL Cool J)

"You were right — not all fairy tales have happy endings. But evil queens? They tend to go down."

Olivia (Kerry Washington) gets in the last word with a murderous royal matriarch

"I challenged Timmy to a duel!"

"Like a sword fight?"

"Oh, no, we're going to have our pants on."

Jimmy (Nathaniel Buzolic) and Lydia (Krista Allen) have very different definitions of the word "duel"

"Don't berate me, Detective. I am your superior, not your child."

"I would never berate my child."

Capt. Santiani (Callie Thorne) learns that new report Laura's (Debra Messing) special brand of fury is reserved just for her

"When your online profile says 'Passionate bear looking for love,' you get a lot of wrong responses. Um, not wrong, just wrong for me."

Fozzie is looking for love with a woman, not a large, hirsute gay man — not that there'd be anything wrong with that

"Claire, I think I know the look of love in another man's eyes."

Phil (Ty Burrell) may not realize the double-entendre he just made while telling his wife that Andy is in love with their daughter Haley

"You can't even dyke right!"

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) is furious that Anika's roll in the sheets with lesbian billionaire Mimi failed to secure the deal they were seeking

"Why are you over there crying like Tammy Faye Bakker?!"

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) has no patience for her sister Carol's tears — not even after they find their cousin's decapitated head in a gift box

HAWAII FIVE-0

"I do not know what's stranger — that somewhere out there is a 130-year-old pirate treasure that we're looking for, or that the key to finding it is on a 40-year-old Betamax tape."

Danny (Scott Caan) sums up the timey-wimeyness of their latest adventure

"New York City plans to deploy an extra 6,000 police officers to help guard Pope Francis during his visit. It'll be the most protection a Catholic has ever used."

"Apparently your 'walk' included a visit with Matthew Rousseau. You mind telling me why?"

"Just following up..."

"With your pen stuck in his hand?"

"Is that where I left it?"

Vance (Rocky Carroll) questions Gibbs (Mark Harmon) about his unconstitutional constitutional

"Go get the toilet paper, 'cause s—t just got real."

​Amy's (Rita Volk)​ response to discovering that her mom might be having an affair

"Want me to kill him now?"

"No, make him a nice cheese toastie. Yes, kill him now, please."

Victor Zsasz (Anthony Carrigan) is itching to decommission Commissioner Loeb

"Isn't she darling? It's like having a cat around the house."

Penguin (Robin Lord Taylor) has a purrrfect way of describing Selina

"How would you like it if you were minding your own business and a big penis just came and hit you right in the face?"

"Yeah, that's my life you're describing."

Danny (Chris Messina) and Mindy (Mindy Kaling) have different views on engaging in sex while she's pregnant

"You really love her, don't you."

"Like a house on fire."

Newcomer Hayley (Toks Olagundoye) is quick to learn how deep Rick's (Nathan Fillion) love for Kate is

"The temperature on the [Emmys] red carpet hit 97 degrees, which means it was only one degree away from turning into a boy band."

"Could you pitch them a show about, like, locksmiths or something — just to see what would happen, just to see if they picked it up? Wouldn't that be a fun thing to do?"

Jimmy wonders if there's any limit to the power of Scandal/Grey's/HTGAWM EP Shonda Rhimes at ABC

"I had over $4 million in that account!"

"From escorting? You must be tired."

Oscar (Philip Boyd), earning the slap that he got from Candace (Tika Sumpter)

"Revenge is like making love to a beautiful woman. If you're simply trying to get it over with, why bother?"

Ian (Ray Wise), dropping a little wisdom on Adam

"Your job is a vacation — from poverty."

Louis (Randall Park) after his employee Mitch (Paul Scheer) asks about vacation days

"I don't know how to relax. It seems like a waste of time. I could be marinating meat or driving."

Jessica (Constance Wu) has a hard time letting herself take a day off

"I should call you Little Debbie 'cause you are one fake-ass Cookie."

Empire star Taraji P. Henson delivers a zinger to Steve Higgins' version of Cookie in the "Jimpire" parody

"Can I just say, you have none of the warm, friendly personality traits that Russians are known for."

Toby (Eddie Kaye Thomas) has his fun with a stern woman at the Russian Consulate

"Paula Deen is on this season of Dancing With the Stars. But I have to say, if I wanted to see an intolerant lady dance, I could've gone to one of Kim Davis' four weddings."

Host Andy Samberg gets political in his opening monologue

"Probably trying to be myself and be funny in the presence of the male gaze. G-A-Z-E, not G-A-Y-S. I didn't mean male gays. They're fine."

Transparent EP Jill Soloway, nominee for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series, explains the hardest thing about her job

"You remember when the Predator took off his mask?"

Jen (Zoe Lister-Jones), trying to describe her post-childbirth vagina to husband Greg

"This is so beautiful."

"Isn't this beautiful? This must remind you of one of your guest bathrooms."

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump and CBS' new late-night host admire the patriotic ceiling of the latter's talk-show venue