Quotes Of The Week For May 14, 2017

MADAM SECRETARY

"Ma'am, I'm bi."

"Yeah, bye. I'll see you in the morning."

Blake (Erich Bergen) comes out to boss Elizabeth (Téa Leoni), who misinterprets what he says as a friendly farewell

IZOMBIE

"It is sort of like being the drummer for Spinal Tap."

Ravi (Rahul Kohli), describing Liv's history of dead ex-boyfriends

SPEECHLESS

"It comes like a package. It's like cable. If you want World's Best Mother, you also have to order Big Goodbye. And Starz."

Maya (Minnie Driver), bidding JJ goodbye as he prepares to leave for summer camp

GREY'S ANATOMY

"You took the scenic route!"

Stephanie (Jerrika Hinton), angrily greeting Ben and the firefighters when at last they find her performing CPR on Erin on the roof of Grey Sloan

GREY'S ANATOMY (Bonus Quote!)

"I'm sorry."

"Don't... Don't apologize. If this were Derek, I would already be gone."

Meredith (Ellen Pompeo), reassuring Nathan (Martin Henderson) that he doesn't have to apologize for being excited that "late" love Megan has been found alive

BABY DADDY

"Finally, someone else will understand how hard it is to raise a girl. They look so cute, but they're really just small women."

Ben (Jean-Luc Bilodeau), celebrating the news that Danny and Riley are having a daughter — or so they thought

PRISON BREAK

"You're looking better. A little grayer. But better."

"I have an amazing doctor on call."

Sara (Sarah Wayne Callies) went Greek to nurse her "dead" husband (Wentworth Miller) back to health

THE FLASH

"Just don't seat me at the singles table at the wedding reception."

Snart (Wentworth Miller) does his part to help save Barry's fiancée Iris from dying

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Hello there, mummy."

Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) greets new mother-in-law Snow White after his tumble from the beanstalk

LUCIFER

"OK, so that was God back there. Capital G. I didn't bow. I should have bowed!... Maybe I should have curtsied?"

Dr. Linda (Rachael Harris) fears she made a poor first impression on Him

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"This book opened my eyes to the truth about Inhumans. It contains a plan to defeat them, and you can all be a part of it."

"I smell a load of L. Ron Horsecrap."

Talbot (Adrian Pasdar) isn't buying what Ivanov (Zach McGowan) is selling

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (Bonus Quote!)

"I missed it, didn't I? You two together and we missed it. Damn!"

Indeed, Coulson (Clark Gregg) and May missed out on an epic Ghost Rider/Quake combo kill

NCIS: LOS ANGELES

"I gotta be honest, I thought it'd have a little more bling to it."

"Oh, no. You know me. I'm more bang than bling."

"That's right. Sunshine and gunpowder."

Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) sizes up the grenade pin with which Kensi (Daniela Ruah) proposed to him

FARGO

"We've got video evidence of Emmit screwing his secretary. It's a fact."

"It never happened!"

"That doesn't make it any less of a fact."

Nikki (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and Sy (Michael Stuhlbarg) argue over, well, alternative facts

JANE THE VIRGIN

"When I punch you in the ass, I hope your butt implants explode!"

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) delivers a very Hollywood threat to his rival co-star Fabian

VEEP

"My family in Iowa is pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin — like microwaves, or laughter."

Richard (Sam Richardson) explains why he's never, um, gotten in touch with himself before

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"Ladies and gentlemen, there's no getting around it: There's a huge scandal out of the White House. No, not that scandal. Or the one before that. Or the one tomorrow..."

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"House Speaker Paul Ryan today said he has full confidence in President Trump — and even as Ryan was saying it, a chill ran up his nothing."

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"ABC has announced that it will produce a hybrid, live-action and animated version of The Little Mermaid, so now ABC has two shows featuring crabs."

BROCKMIRE

"Tell 'em not to be nervous. Tell 'em I don't drink... hard liquor... between the hours of 6 and 11 am."

Jim (Hank Azaria) assures Joe Buck that his drinking is (sort of) under control 

THE MIDDLE

"I started my car with a screwdriver this morning, and you think we're gonna pay for you to go to Europe?"

Mike (Neil Flynn) refuses to entertain the idea of Axl spending a summer abroad 

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"A Kickstarter project has been launched to create a line of rompers for men called 'romphim' — as in, 'the victim of the beating was wearing a romphim.'"

REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

"Trump meets with Comey and says... 'You know, Flynn, he's involved with the Russians. He's a good guy. I hope you can let this go' ... When Vice President Pence heard that, he started scratching 'Vice' off of his business cards."

SUPERGIRL

"I suppose I owe you an explanation."

"Well, at least tell me you're still a Democrat."

We're glad Cat Grant (Calista Flockhart) has her priorities straight after President Marsdin's (Lynda Carter) big reveal

UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT

"TaskRabbit? You know I'm afraid of both of those things."

Titus (Tituss Burgess) bemoans Kimmy's desire to sign him up for the freelance labor service in Episode 5

12 MONKEYS

"Greetings, a—hole. I'm future a—hole."

Cole (Aaron Stanford) introduces himself to himself

TRAINING DAY

"So, what, you gonna do that Clockwork Orange thing to my eyes and make me binge-watch Girls?"

"Oh, come on. Even I'm not that cruel."

Frank (Bill Paxton) wonders what insidious tactics Ivers (Max Martini) has up his sleeve

SUPERNATURAL

"Whenever there's a world-ending crisis at hand, I know where to place my bets. It's on you. You big, beautiful, lumbering piles of flannel."

Crowley (Mark Sheppard) knows Team Winchester is the winning team

SUPERNATURAL (Bonus Quote!)

"I hate you... And I love you. Because I can't help it. You're my mom."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) finally unleashes all his pent-up feelings about Mary

THE BLACKLIST

"I do wonder what else Donald's men will find in your nightstand. Are you a vibrator kind of gal, Laurel?"

Red (James Spader) warns Laurel Hitchin that the FBI is about to find an incriminating gun in her bedside table — along with, perhaps, some other unspeakable items

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Widowed at age 39, Laverne Kinnebrew Holt singlehandedly raised two children and still managed to become one of the first black, female federal judges."

"Wow, someone read her Wikipedia page."

"No, Jake. I wrote it."

Amy (Melissa Fumero) proudly geeks out over Captain Holt's mother in front of Jake (Andy Samberg)

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Bonus Quote!)

"Let's draw from a wide variety of sources. Anything from Cameron Diaz's kitchen in The Holiday to Kate Winslet's kitchen in The Holiday."

"Is that such a huge range?"

"Why would Iris and Amanda swap houses if they had the same damn kitchen?"

Nancy Meyers fan Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) has some suggestions for Terry (Terry Crews) on how to remodel the precinct's break room