Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 11, 2015

"OK, just make sure the library uses a condom."

Christy (Anna Faris) isn't buying her teenage daughter's explanation of where she'll be spending her Friday night

"We got a code Jewish. Code Jewish."

Schmidt, trying on Winston's new LAPD uniform and giving his best impersonation of what a cop would say

"Are my sleeves even? This is ridiculous! I swear, my new tailor sews like an army medic. I'm not being overdramatic when I say I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off the rack."

This one Schmidt rant (delivered perfectly by Max Greenfield) sums him his entire personality in a nutshell

"You had [my father] killed, sir. Your mutton was too rare. You killed his father before him. Your family has killed the last four generations of chefs in my family. It's not a great job, my king."

King Richard's chef (Darren Evans) has understandable job security issues

"Don't put me in the dryer! I used to be rich — I'm dry-clean only!"

Caroline (Beth Behrs), begging for mercy during a T-shirt factory brawl

"One or two beers... two to three times a night."

Jake (Ken Marino), responding with painful honesty to a question about how much he drinks

"This might get sweaty with multiple partners."

"Please stop saying things that I can't unsee." ‎

Kensi (Daniela Ruah) doesn't appreciate Deeks' jokes about "group zen" with Nell and Eric

"If you can't trust an angel, who can you trust?"

"Lucifer was an angel."

"Noted."

Abbie (Nicole Beharie) and Ichabod (Tom Mison) discuss new, winged arrival Orion (Max Brown)

"You might want to go easy on that rouge. You look like you just marched out of The Nutcracker Suite."

Paul (Mat Fraser), offering Chester a valuable make-up tip

"I totally forgot he had a kid."

"Mm-hmm. Hey, whatever happened to Barb?"

After Ellie (Christa Miller) realizes she forgot all about Grayson's rarely seen daughter Tampa, Andy (Ian Gomez) asks whatever happened to Cougar Town's only true cougar (Both characters were last seen in Season 3)

"We kicked the Brits' ass in 1776, still celebrate every Fourth of July."

Jerry (Clarke Peters) dismisses old military buddy Abe's (Judd Hirsch) idea that he should get over losing a girl to him years ago

"You've got to get her in the game."

"I'm her body woman, not her fluffer."

"When did you get so crass?"

Eli (Alan Cumming) calls upon Marissa (Sarah Steele) to get Alicia focused for the debate

"I wish I was a polygamist right now."

Chris Soules, processing the fact that he's just met 30 beautiful women — any of whom could potentially be his wife (or something like it)

"Why'd you marry that white girl?"

"We met at school — she's brilliant."

"Pretty white girls always are. Even when they ain't."

Cookie (Taraji P. Henson) throws shade at son Andre's choice of bride

"What if I could get back all those hours I wasted watching Melrose Place?"

Becca (Laura Ramsey) wonders what life would be like if she could rewind time

"You need to try out for the glee club."

"Why, so people can make fun of me more than they already do? Even the principal call​s​ me '​White Precious.'"

Roderick (Noah Guthrie) hasn't even joined New Directions, and Sue's already making his life a living hell

"You're a smart monkey. But you're a monkey. And I'm the zookeeper."

Maroni (David Zayas) makes sure that Penguin knows his place in the organization

"Poor Victoria, she must be a wreck. You know, I think I'll bake something for her before my Xanax wears off."

Louise (Elena Satine), who sounds like a bit of a wreck herself

"Harold, you of all people should know there's more than one way to skin a cat."

[Grabs a fireman's axe.]

"I feel sorry for the cat."

Root (Amy Acker) has an axe to grind with Samaritan

"You know, there's a difference between being an independent woman and a spinster."

"Is it the shoes?"

Colleen questions her roommate Peggy's (Hayley Atwell) non-existent dating habits

"These surveillance reports need to be filed, and you're really so much better at that kind of thing."

"And what kind of 'thing' is that, Agent Thompson? The alphabet? I can teach you. Lets start with words beginning with 'A.'"

Agent Carter (Hayley Atwell) calls out Thompson (Chad Michael Murray) on his M.I.S.O.G.Y.N.Y.

"I actually don't speak any Indian languages but I do know how to do a kind-of offensive Indian accent."

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) fails to make a good first impression on an Indian resident of her new fellowship